


Love, Rey

by kyoloren



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ben and Rey have other relationships but they end up together, Botanist!Rey, Canonical Manipulation (Ben vs Snoke), Dating, Domestic Bliss, Epistolary, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friend groups, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Growing Up, Happily Ever After, Minor Character Death, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Pregnancy, Ships Passing In the Night, Single mom Rey, Slow Burn, Sweet as Pie Ben, Unplanned Pregnancy, post-college life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:21:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 45,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24172744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyoloren/pseuds/kyoloren
Summary: Rey spent two years of college in America, befriending our favorites: Rose, Poe, Ben and Tai. Ben Solo quickly fell in love with her over the years, but never said anything about his feelings. Now Rey is heading back to England to begin her new life.They keep in touch over the next few years, feelings slipping past one another, their lives never quite lining up.Inspired by the movieLove, Rosie.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 25
Kudos: 88





	1. Year One: May

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is a fic that may look familiar to you. It began on my twitter as a social media AU, but the thread got broken multiple times. I decided to move it here for easier viewing. Most of this is told through text and facebook messages in its original form, as well as through a few Instagram posts and many letters. Hopefully it will be easy to follow.
> 
> It was originally written from March 28th to April 12th!
> 
> You can find the original twitter-version in ebook and e-pub versions here [through this link](https://tinyurl.com/y6u4w9pm)! If you'd like the visuals, I'd recommend downloading one of those and reading it that way.
> 
> Also please feel free to find me [on twitter](https://twitter.com/hunkbuster)! I have multiple twitfics over there, some of which have been cross-posted here on ao3. 
> 
> Anyway, This will be separated into multiple chapters for in-story timeline purposes. I hope you enjoy it if you're new to this, and I hope you enjoy rereading it if you've read it before!
> 
> Please mind the tags.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This story begins as Rey’s just left, everyone is recently graduated & everyone’s around the same age 21/22 to make it easier fyi)

**YEAR ONE: MAY**

TO: <group> 3B & 3C; Rose <sweetrose@email.com>, Poe <flyboy01@email.com>, Tai <sometai@email.com>, Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
SUBJECT: I MISS YOU

GUYS! I can’t even :( I thought of what to say in this email the whole plane ride back. I already miss you all SO MUCH. It’s been nine hours since I left and I still think I’m gonna get up and leave my room and see you all there in the living room. 

THIS SUCKS.

-

TO: (REPLY ALL) <group> 3B & 3C  
FROM: Rose <sweetrose@email.com>  
RE: I MISS YOU

REY!!!! You’re already so missed oh my GOD my life is so empty without you in it. It isn’t the same with just ~the boys~

-

TO: (REPLY ALL) <group> 3B & 3C  
FROM: Poe <flyboy01@email.com>  
RE: RE: I MISS YOU

I resent that comment, Rose. BUT REY. You’re missed. Hope your flight went well! Hell, maybe one day I’ll catch you in an airport “across the pond” ;P

-

TO: (REPLY ALL) <group> 3B & 3C  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: I MISS YOU

YOU ARE GONNA MAKE ME CRY! I was going to write this long, elegant email and just came out with gibberish. I wish I could have stayed. 

-

TO: (REPLY ALL) <group> 3B & 3C  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: I MISS YOU

Hey maybe in a year some of us will make it big and we can take a trip out to see you, Rey. :)

-

TO: (REPLY ALL) <group> 3B & 3C  
FROM: Tai <sometai@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I MISS YOU

I’m an actor so I’ll still be poor as fuck. Someone pay for my ticket?

Seriously though, miss you Rey :( Corneal St Corner just won’t be the same without you.

-

TO: (REPLY ALL) <group> 3B & 3C  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I MISS YOU

Catch me sobbing into my tea rn 

Promise me we’ll keep in touch forever! I don’t want to lose any of you from my life. Okay? I’ll even write you letters to force you to pen pal with me.

-

TO: (REPLY ALL) <group> 3B & 3C  
FROM: Poe <flyboy01@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I MISS YOU

No forcing needed! Do people still write letters? Do I need to buy stamps?

-

TO: (REPLY ALL) <group> 3B & 3C  
FROM: Rose <sweetrose@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I MISS YOU

OF COURSE! You’re my ride or die, babe. And I still live across from the boys for another three months so I’ll make sure they don’t forget you.

-

TO: (REPLY ALL) <group> 3B & 3C  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I MISS YOU

Forgetting you would be nearly impossible, Rey. Count me in on letters. I was in calligraphy club for three years. ^-^

-

TO: (REPLY ALL) <group> 3B & 3C  
FROM: Tai <sometai@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I MISS YOU

NERD ALERT! But seriously, keeping in touch...couldn’t imagine going into the big scary unknown of adulting w/o y’all

-

TO: (REPLY ALL) <group> 3B & 3C  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I MISS YOU

I LOVE ALL OF YOU SO MUCH!!!~

Thank you for being my friends. Keep a lookout for letters!!!! I’m gonna go get some envelopes right now.

You can stop replying to this now if you want :’D

-

TO: (REPLY ALL) <group> 3B & 3C  
FROM: Poe <flyboy01@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I MISS YOU

I NEED TO BUY ENVELOPES TOO????? This is gonna cost you, Rey.

-

TO: (REPLY ALL) <group> 3B & 3C  
FROM: Rose <sweetrose@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I MISS YOU

Of course you need envelopes to write letters Poe oh my GOD who raised you? I thought your parents were smart. Where did they go wrong?

-

TO: (REPLY ALL) <group> 3B & 3C  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I MISS YOU

lol


	2. Year One: June

**YEAR ONE: JUNE**

_Dearest boys of 3C,_

_It’s Rey, your long lost bestie, from all the way across the ocean. As stated before, I miss you guys a lot. I never felt like I had much of a family before, but you guys are it! I hope you’re not missing me too much. Sorry I’m not there to perfectly tweak your TV connection anymore, maybe you’ll actually just get real cable now instead of splicing? Hmmm._

_England is just as I left it: spitting rain, not an American accent in sight, busy...my new place is small, and I miss having a roommate, but at least I have a job, am I right? I took some photos and put them in here for you. May it give you incentive to come visit sometime!_

_I’m not really sure how to sign off of a letter. Anyway, I hope this finds you all well, trying to figure out what to do post-college._

_Love, Rey_

_-_

_Loveliest Rose,_

_By any name a rose would smell as sweet....is that how that goes? Sorry, I don’t know much Shakespeare lol Wait, can I write lol in a letter? Anyway! I miss you so much. You’re my best friend in the world and I’m so glad you agreed to take on some rando international student when you were getting your apartment ready._

_England is lovely, but I still miss America. There’s definitely a difference, I can’t really put my finger on it. I’m going to frantically check your Facebook for updated photos, don’t think I’m a creep. I mean, I am, especially since I rarely post anything on there, but just know that I love you!_

_Imagine me giving you a huge hug._

_Love, Rey_

* * *

_(facebook messages)_

**ROSE:** okay so i was waiting to tell you but I HAVE NEWS

 **REY:** wow sorry i didn’t realize i had this notification thing turned off on my phone and didn’t see these until now

 **REY:** NEWS?! Tell me!

 **ROSE:** I wanted to make sure it was official before I told you but...i’M MOVING TO LONDON!

 **REY:** is this a joke?

 **ROSE:** no! I really am! I got an apprenticeship under WORLD RENOWNED FASHION DESIGNER Amilyn Holdo!!!!

 **REY:** oH MY GOD

 **REY:** ROSE THIS IS AMAZING? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY SERIOUS?

 **ROSE:** YES! I mean it! I’m shaking omg I just got the official acceptance package!!!!

 **REY:** I’m cryingggg you’re really gonna be here?

 **ROSE:** YES! I was hoping I could room with you??

 **REY:** omg omG OKDAY

 **REY:** YES. I miss having you as my roommate. We’ll need to find a new place but we can do taht. I CAN DO THAT I’ll start looking

 **REY:** i’m so excited i can’t even spell

 **ROSE:** it’s okay! I’m excited too!

 **ROSE:** I have to go tell the boys! We’re gonna go celebrate.

 **REY:** 😩

 **ROSE:** we’ll pretend you’re there! I promise!

 **REY:** I miss you all so much

 **REY:** I’m so happy though

 **ROSE:** They’re paying for my plane tickets, I have two weeks to pack and get my shit together. Is that enough time to find a place?

 **REY:** I’m resourceful!

 **REY:** Now go! Enjoy, have fun! Give Poe and Ben and Tai hugs for me!

 **ROSE:** I will!

 **ROSE:** 😘

* * *

_Rey,_

_Ben here. Writing for all of 3C I guess. We’re all glad you’re doing okay over in England. And at least you have Rose moving there to look forward to, right? It’s strange, everyone is sort of moving on with things and I still haven’t figured out what I’m planning to do…_

_Anyway, I don’t think I’ve written a letter since I was like five, sorry in advance. Corneal St Corner is the same as always, though a little dimmer without you around. Poe is setting up for his piloting licensing and he’s taking off for a few weeks before our lease is up. Tai is trying to find a place in NYC to live before he moves there._

_My parents want me to go visit them in the Hamptons so maybe I’ll bring him along. My mom already told me that she misses you, saying you were my nicest friend, embarrassing I know. I meant what I said though about coming out to see you one day._

_Maybe a one year anniversary thing. Sorry this got long._

_Hope you’re doing good Rey._

_-Ben_


	3. Year One: June

**YEAR ONE: JULY**

_(facebook messages)_

**ROSE:** Rey

 **ROSE:** I need to tell you something. Please message me back.

 **REY:** Rose? What is it? I thought you would be on the plane by now, or at least at the airport. Did something happen?

 **ROSE:** I’m...I’m postponing my trip for a week.

 **REY:** Why?

 **ROSE:** I don’t know how to say this.

 **REY:** What is it?

 **REY:** Rose, you’ve been typing for three minutes and I’m starting to get scared. What happened?

 **ROSE:** Something happened with Tai.

 **REY:** What is it? What happened?

 **ROSE:** He…

 **ROSE:** He got in an accident.

 **REY:** What kind of accident?

 **ROSE:** He got hit by a car. In NY.

 **REY:** Oh my god. He was there with Ben.

 **ROSE:** Yes.

 **ROSE:** He

 **ROSE:** Tai is gone, Rey.

 **REY:** What?

 **ROSE:** He passed away today. They couldn’t save him.

 **REY:** You’re serious?

 **ROSE:** Yes. I’m...we’re all a fucking mess right now.

 **REY:** Oh my god. I should be there.

 **REY:** I shouldn’t have left

 **ROSE:** Rey, no, it’s just...it just happened. It’s not your fault

 **REY:** But I should be there!

 **REY:** Rose, I can’t...I can’t pay for another plane ticket. I can’t leave.

 **REY:** What am I supposed to do?

 **ROSE:** I don’t know. You could reach out.

 **ROSE:** I could call you when we’re all together

 **REY:** How is Ben?

 **ROSE:** Not great

 **REY:** I know he and Tai have known each other like their whole lives

 **REY:** I feel awful

 **ROSE:** I know. We all do.

 **REY:** I wish I could be there.

-

 **REY:** Hi Ben

 **REY:** Rose just told me what happened

 **REY:** I’m so sorry. How are you?

 **REY:** that was a stupid question, you’re probably a mess

 **REY:** I’m sorry I can’t be there

 **BEN:** Oh hey

 **REY:** thank god

 **REY:** I’ve been hovering over my laptop all day

 **REY:** shit sorry I’m making this about me but I was worried about you

 **BEN:** It’s okay

 **REY:** Shit you shouldn’t be having to make me feel better

 **REY:** I should be there. I wouldn’t be putting my foot in it if I were

 **REY:** I’d just give you a hug and play with your hair. I know that helps you relax.

 **BEN:** That does sound nice

 **BEN:** I’m still just…

 **BEN:** I guess I’m processing everything. The accident was a few days ago and then...

 **BEN:** Mom’s just about moved into your old room, wanting to be close to me

 **REY:** That’s really nice. I’m glad you have people there for you Ben

 **REY:** I am too, of course, but I’m just so far away

 **BEN:** It’s nice just knowing you’re thinking about me

 **REY:** I can’t...I can’t make it to the funeral. I feel like complete shit about it

 **BEN:** Rose told me

 **BEN:** I understand

 **REY:** Will you talk to me? If you need someone to talk to?

 **BEN:** Yeah

 **BEN:** I will

 **REY:** I can’t afford international roaming for calls but you can find me here on facebook, okay?

 **BEN:** Okay

 **BEN:** Thank you Rey

 **BEN:** And I’m sorry. He was your friend too

 **REY:** I’m gonna miss him

 **BEN:** Me too

* * *

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Rose <sweetrose@email.com>  
SUBJECT: LANDED!

Shit fuck I can’t get my phone to connect to facebook but i’M HERE! My plane landed. I have to go through customs but then I’m HERE. I’m so exhausted.

-

TO: Rose <sweetrose@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: LANDED!

I’m so excited! I’m already here, waiting for you. Do you have a lot of luggage?

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Rose <sweetrose@email.com>  
RE: RE: LANDED!

Yes =X I obviously don’t have furniture, but I have clothes. So many clothes. And one suitcase is all sketchbooks and one is all fabrics. I couldn’t leave them!

-

TO: Rose <sweetrose@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: LANDED!  
It’s okay! We’ll just get a big cab. I can’t wait to see you!!

* * *

_Ben,_

_I know I need this right now, so I figured I would keep up my promise to make someone my pen pal. Rose got here safely yesterday (well yesterday from when I’m writing this) and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t so great to see her._

_I think about you all the time. I know you’re doing whatever you need to be doing, but I hope we’ll talk again soon. Rose and I spent last night talking about Tai and it just made me wonder how you’re doing._

_Everything is blooming here, so I’m attaching another photo I took in hopes that it may help bring something bright to your life._

_Love, Rey_


	4. Year One: August

**YEAR ONE: AUGUST**

_Rey,_

_Thanks for the letter. Life, unfortunately, keeps moving, even if you’re grieving. My parents haven’t been too insistent that I find a job straight away, but it’s been almost a month now and the lease is up on Corneal St Corner. I have to find a job and a new place or it’s back to my parents place. I don’t think I want to do that._

_I’m glad you’ve got Rose. Poe’s gone to his training, but he plans on being my roommate any way, no matter if the place I find us is shit. He’s putting a lot of faith in me._

_Thanks for the photo. I’ve never even asked about your life over in the UK. Have you found a job? I see you’re taking photos still, I’ve always told you they’re good enough to sell._

_I’m so bad at writing letters._

_-Ben_

_-_

_Ben,_

_You’re not bad at writing letters. Just because they’re not sweepingly elegant, doesn’t mean they’re bad. I kind of like it, don’t you? No one puts things on paper anymore._

_Have you found a new job by now? Sorry, I don’t really check facebook except for messages. I’m glad Poe is sticking around. It makes me feel better knowing you’ll have someone around._

_As for me, I do have a job. I got a quick waitressing gig when I first got back. It was pretty bad, but I got paid so that’s all that matters. But I was applying around and I got a position! It’s working in some greenhouses, keeping up with some new samples and hybrid plants. It’s really exciting. Who knew a botanist degree could actually get me a job?!_

_I’ll keep sending you photos if you’d like. I haven’t quite stooped low enough to need to sell photos for cash. But thanks for thinking they’re good enough._

_Thinking of you in that sticky, gross Boston heat. Hope you’re remembering to wear things other than jeans and long sleeved shirts. :P_

_Love, Rey_

* * *

-

_(facebook messenger)_

**ROSE:** Rey

 **ROSE:** Reyyyyy

 **ROSE:** Why do you insist we still FB message when we’re now in the same country?

 **REY:** Because unlike you, I can’t afford to pay for every text. FB is free.

 **ROSE:** Fine. Get an instagram!

 **REY:** Eww why?

 **ROSE:** for me! I need validation on my photos

 **REY:** 😅

 **REY:** When you put it like that!

-

* * *

_(facebook messenger)_

**BEN:** Hey

 **REY:** Hi Ben

 **BEN:** Is it uh...is it late there? I don’t remember the time difference.

 **REY:** It’s fine. I’m a night owl. 

**BEN:** Sorry I haven’t answered your letter. Been moving and starting at my new job.

 **REY:** You have a job! YAY.

 **BEN:** It’s nothing as fun as yours but I’m glad to have something to focus on.

 **REY:** That’s great. And you found a place for you and Poe?

 **BEN:** I did. 

**REY:** How is your new job?

 **BEN:** Different...I’m straight out of college so I’m on the lowest rung in the ladder, but I expected it

 **REY:** You’ll rise that ladder in no time, I’m sure of it :)

 **BEN:** You think so?

 **REY:** Yes absolutely. You’re really great at whatever you put your mind to, Ben.

 **BEN:** Thanks

 **BEN:** I haven’t really felt that way a lot recently

 **REY:** I’m sorry :(

 **REY:** God, it really sucks that I can’t just walk across the hall and hang out with you

 **BEN:** The world keeps spinning, doesn’t it?

 **REY:** Yes, everything changes…

 **BEN:** It must be nice to have Rose there with you

 **REY:** It really is. I’d gotten used to living with someone and having friends. I was kind of lonely here when I first got back.

 **BEN:** It was lonely here too. Even with the four of us still around. It was like there was a weight in the air. We all knew things were going to change forever.

 **BEN:** It changed a little too fast for me

 **REY:** I understand

 **REY:** I feel like I need to keep apologizing for leaving

 **BEN:** You don’t need to do that

 **REY:** I know, but I feel like I should

 **REY:** Can we pretend?

 **BEN:** pretend what?

 **REY:** That I’m still there. I just walked over, can’t sleep, you’re up.

 **BEN:** This is weird

 **REY:** Is it? I have my laptop and I snagged a Netflix password so if we can find a movie that’s on US and UK Netflix we can just watch a movie together.

 **BEN:** Are you sure? Isn’t it really late?

 **REY:** It’s Friday, I don’t have to work on the weekends. And I assume neither do you?

 **BEN:** No, offices aren’t open on Saturdays. At least not mine.

 **BEN:** What did you want to watch?

 **REY:** You know you want to watch a Disney flick

 **REY:** Don’t worry, I haven’t told anyone of your adoration for a good animated romance

 **BEN:** Hey, not all of them are romance. Do you have Lilo & Stitch?

 **REY:** :}

 **REY:** Yes.

 **REY:** I’d say we could Skype while we do this since I can’t call (expensiveeee) but I think my computer would explode.

 **BEN:** We can just keep messaging, if you want

 **REY:** Okay :) Gonna press play in

 **REY:** Three

 **REY:** Two

 **REY:** Now

_(80 minutes, and a couple dozen “livewatch” messages later)_

**REY:** You’re crying right now aren’t you?

 **BEN:** Maybe

 **REY:** It’s okay, the Ohana thing gets me every time too

 **BEN:** I like sitting through the end credits

 **REY:** Duh I know this. We’ve watched like at least 50 movies together Ben lol

 **BEN:** Right, right

 **BEN:** Shit it’s really late there, isn’t it?

 **REY:** Define late...the sun is up =D

 **BEN:** Damn, I’m sorry

 **REY:** I’m not!

 **REY:** I miss hanging out with you

 **BEN:** I miss you too

 **BEN:** just like in general

 **REY:** 💛

* * *

TO: Poe <flyguy01@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
SUBJECT: Thanks?

Hey Poe,  
I know we haven’t properly spoken since Tai...and I don’t know if you can get email at pilot school or whatever, but I just wanted to say thank you for looking out for Ben. I worry about him; you know he’s like the most sensitive guy ever. And since I’m not there, I’m glad that someone is staying by him.

God that sounds really weird doesn’t it? But the point stands. And I hope you’re doing okay too. <3

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Poe <flyguy01@email.com>  
RE: Thanks?

It does sound weird but like in a way I get. We were all worried about him I think. But his job is good. You know how he likes to stay busy, especially when he’s feeling anxious. He seems to be okay. I mean I’m not home yet, but I will be next week. We Skype like a married military couple almost every day xD 

But honestly, thanks for checking in. I hope you’re doing all right over there. Say hi to Rose for me.


	5. Year One: September

** YEAR ONE: SEPTEMBER **

_Rey,_

_Finally getting back to you. Sorry for the wait. Work has been crazy. They just kind of throw you in the middle of things. I think I understand Tai’s aversion to adulting now. Shit, that hits differently now._

_Poe is back. He’s not here all the time, but it’s nice to still have someone around. Is it weird that I actually like having other people’s stuff in my space? It’s a good reminder that I’m not alone. I’m surprised I haven’t gotten sick of it after college._

_Don’t judge me, but I’ve started a collage of your photos. I was gonna buy an album but I didn’t want to just put them away. I tack them up in my room (even put a few at my cubicle) and it’s nice to look at them and be reminded of you._

_How is Rose? How’s her new job going? I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t really kept up with her since she moved over there. Too much going on and I can only handle so much sometimes. Tell her hi for me._

_Thanks for watching that movie with me the other night. It’s nice to know that you’re still there for me, even when you’re so far away._

_Isn’t it weird for it to be September and to not be going back to school? I keep feeling anxious at home, like I should be doing homework but I don’t have any. This adult thing is really settling in._

_Hope you’re doing great!_

_-Ben_

* * *

_(facebook messages)_

**REY:** Rose?

 **ROSE:** Rey?! Where are you?

 **REY:** Um…

 **ROSE:** Wait...did you stay out all night? REY!

 **REY:** About that…

 **REY:** I was really drunk. And I slept with this random guy…

 **ROSE:** Oh my god, this beats my news. What happened? Where are you?

 **REY:** At his house? I was REALLY drunk. I fell asleep after.

 **ROSE:** Shit.

REY: Yeah. And he uh...he just kicked me out.

 **ROSE:** WHAT?!

 **REY:** Yeah, he got my number, told me he’d call me and then promptly kicked me outside. Can you get a cab to come get me? Or better yet, can you come in the cab? I’ve been missing birth control pills and I don’t know if he used a condom...I need to get to a pharmacy.

 **ROSE:** Okay. I’ve got you. Just hold tight. I’m still getting the hang of this UK cab thing.

* * *

Rey was indeed standing on the curb, heels in hand, hair a mess, makeup smudged, wearing a short skirt and glittery top. Rose opened the door for her and Rey gratefully collapsed inside. 

“Can we get dropped off at the Boots back near where you picked me up?” Rose leaned forward and asked the cabbie.

He agreed, the minutes counting down on the dash.

“So what happened?” Rose asked, settling down next to Rey, who slumped next to Rose.

“Ugh...shots? I don’t remember anything clearly. But the guy...I think his name is Armie?”

Rose snorted. “Sorry, sorry, continue.”

“He’s not even my TYPE. He’s _Irish_ for one and a _redhead_. Not my type. My type is Americans and brown hair.”

“Obviously,” Rose agreed. The few guys Rey had dated over in Boston had been smart, brown haired and usually assholes. So at least one of those traits this Armie guy had.

“Ugh...anyway yeah. Back to his flat, I guess drunk me really liked his accent. God some of the things I remember saying. I’m so embarrassed. And a little freaked out.” Rey clenched her hands into fists. “I don’t really remember if it was good or not, but I _really_ wanted it so I guess there’s a silver lining…”

Rose squeezed her hand. “It’s fine. We’ll get you a morning after pill and you’ll never have to think about this...Armie dude again.”

Rey nodded and sank back into the seat. “Wait, didn’t you say you have news for me?”

“Oh.” Rose blushed.

Rey was intrigued. “Oooooh. What happened?”

“Okay, so you know how I’ve been working at Holdo’s for two months now.”

“Yes.”

“Well she got a job to work on a new show for the BBC, period piece, and I’m helping her. And there’s...this PA named Kaydel.”

“Oh my god, Rose, you’re positively heart-eyed right now,” Rey squeaked, grinning.

“Okay but Rey...she’s gorgeous! And she’s hilarious. Like I’ve never known anyone who was so funny. And she’s American, moved here like a year ago. She’s lovely.”

“You should ask her out! Has she flirted with you? Are you a uhaul lesbian?”

Rose snorted. “One, I’m not a lesbian, I’m bi. But I have major crush-worthy feelings for her.”

“And she seems interested?”

“She’s really funny, so it’s hard to tell if her flirting is just her personality or if it’s...specific.”

“Ask her. I mean, the greatest part of dating girls, I imagine at least since I’ve never dated a girl before, is that we’re more likely to be okay talking and being upfront from the start. Right?”

“Such wise words for a girl who is walking the ultimate walk of shame. Oh!” Rose twisted around and reached into her enormous purse, pulling out a long, soft cardigan. “Brought this so you can cover up. It’s practically a bathrobe but at least you won’t look so pitiful.”

Rey rolled her eyes but accepted the gift. She put her heels back on and wriggled into the cardigan, pulling it over her party outfit. “Thanks, Rose.” She planted a kiss on her best friend’s cheek. “You should really talk to Kaydel though. I mean it. I want updates!”

Rose batted her away, face still flushed red. “Okay, okay.”

* * *

_Ben,_

_You like my photos that much? That’s so sweet! I’m sending you a little bundle this time from the greenhouse. I added some pressed flowers between some of them so be careful opening it. And you owe me for the extra postage this is gonna cost._

_I kid, of course._

_Rose says hello right back and that she’ll be sure to talk to you soon. She’s a little distracted by a potential new love interest, so we’ll see how that goes. She hasn’t even noticed that I started bringing home plants. Pretty soon we’re gonna be overrun but I just can’t get enough. I’ve mostly gotten ivy, but I have a few baby flowers too._

_I totally understand the whole adulting thing...suddenly I can come home and do whatever I want, no coursework, no stressing over exams. It’s weird, but kind of nice. I keep getting into trouble though, so I don’t know how much longer I can last without finding a hobby that isn’t also my job lol_

_You’re getting better at writing letters! I’d be lying if I said I didn’t smile every time I see one of your letters come in for me._

_I don’t have anything else to say, at least that I can think of. So hopefully my photos and flowers make up for the mediocracy of this letter._

_Take care, Ben._

_Love, Rey_

* * *


	6. Year One: October

**YEAR ONE: OCTOBER**

* * *

_Rey,_

_Your letters are far from mediocre. I love getting them, like you said about mine. It’s a nice bit of something familiar when my whole life is different now than it was just a few months ago._

_Thanks for the flowers. Poe surprisingly didn’t make fun of me for receiving them. He says hi by the way. As per usual, it seems that our contact with our respective roommates goes through us._

_Work is going surprisingly well. I’ve already caught the eye of a higher up stats analyst. He hasn’t officially said anything to me except that he sees me going places, but that’s enough for me. I’ve only been here for a little while, so I’ve got plenty of time to make my mark here._

_Halloween’s coming up. It’s gonna be weird. No you, no Rose, and Tai...it was his favorite holiday because he could be as crazy in public as he wanted and no one noticed. I miss him. I probably won’t go out. Poe is going on a flight so it’ll just be me. I realize you’ll probably get this letter after Halloween so there’s no use speculating._

_I think my poor letter writing skills have returned._

_-Ben_

* * *


	7. Year One: November

**YEAR ONE: NOVEMBER**

_ (facebook messages) _

**REY:** fuck

**REY:** fuck FUCK fUCK

**REY:** ROSE! God dammit, answer your fucking messages

**REY:** fuck it, i’m texting you

-

_ (text messages) _

**REY:** ROSE

**ROSE:** Rey? You’re texting me? Oh my god.

**REY:** I’m sorry I know you’re at work but

**REY:** fuck, I’m shaking I can’t even type

**ROSE:** My god what happened? Are you okay?

**REY:** I’m pregnant

**ROSE:** Excuse me WHAT?!

**REY:** FUck

**REY:** Shit

**REY:** fucking shit fucking SHIT rose what the fuck am I gonna do?

**ROSE:** Wait, wait, start at the beginning!

**REY:** I’ve been feeling like shit for like weeks now. Throwing up and just...ugh. And I missed my period last month and maybe this month ?? so I was like “ha ha just in CASE” and took a test and it’s fucking positive oh my GOD

**ROSE:** Shit. I thought you took the morning after pill.

**REY:** I did

**REY:** but it’s not like some magic thing

**REY:** Shit Rose

**ROSE:** OKay...okay, where are you?

**REY:** In the loo at the pharmacy. I stopped by to buy a test on my lunch break.

**ROSE:** can you go home?

**REY:** I have to. I don’t think I can work today.

**ROSE:** Okay. I’ll see if I can get out of working late. This is an emergency.

**REY:** Rose…

**ROSE:** It is! I’m going to go talk to Holdo right now. Just get home and I’ll be there soon, okay?

**REY:** Okay.

* * *

By the time Rose got back to the apartment, she was as sweaty and stressed as Rey, her hands clammy and heart hammering in her head. She stepped into the apartment she shared with Rey and spotted her friend immediately.

Sitting in a pink onesie, Rey was curled up on the couch, clutching her phone and staring off into space. The door closing loudly made her jump and she dragged wide, bloodshot eyes to Rose.

“Oh, babe.” Rose frowned and dropped her bags, rushing over. Rey immediately fell into Rose’s arms and started crying.

Rose let her, rubbing her back and telling her everything was gonna be okay. 

“What am I gonna do?” Rey said finally, sitting back and scrubbing at her puffy eyes with her hands. “I mean...Rose, what the  _ fuck _ am I gonna do?”

Rose took a deep breath. “Let’s start at the beginning. I mean...are you okay? How are you doing?”

“Freaking out! Completely. Just the thought of having a tiny cluster of cells in me growing into a  _ person _ .” Rey closed her eyes and sat back.

“Do you…do you want kids? We never talked about it at college.”

“I do! I do want kids and a family. Like...more than anything, but not at twenty-one and  _ single _ . Not from a one-night stand I barely remember.”

“Okay so...next steps. Are you going to keep it?”

Rey sucked in a breath. “I don’t know. The thought of...I don’t know.”

“Are you gonna tell...what’s-his-face?”

“Armie?” Rey scoffed, pushing loose hairs back from her face. “He texted me a few days after, asking me if he could buy me drinks and fuck me again. I never replied.”

Rose scrunched up his nose. “Ugh, what a creep.”

“But it  _ is _ his. I mean, I haven’t slept with anyone else in the past six months.” Rey groaned and sat forward, head in her hands.

Rose squeezed her shoulders. “Okay. Um...so real next steps. Going to see the doctor? That’s smart right? To see how...how far along and how everything is going?”

“I know how long,” Rey sniffed but she opened her hands and peered over at Rose. “But you’re right. I...I should call them.”

“I can call for you. You’re a mess, babe.”

Rey sighed. “I am. I can’t even process this.”

“It’s a lot.” Rose put her arm around Rey’s shoulders and they just sat there for a while in silence.

* * *

_(text messages)_

**REY:** Miss. Calrissian, I’m sorry for my sudden absence from work yesterday.

**JANNAH:** That’s okay, Rey. And I told you, you can call me Jannah. Is everything all right?

**REY:** Sort of. I have a doctor’s appointment today which means I’ll have to take off today as well. But I will be back tomorrow, is that okay?

**JANNAH:** I’ll mark it down. You can always come in on a weekend and make up the time if you’d like instead of taking an advance on medical leave. Just let me know what you choose.

**REY:** Thank you, Jannah. For being so understanding.

* * *

_(facebook messages)_

**REY:** I can’t believe they wouldn’t let you come in with me

**ROSE:** We can always find a different, less conservative hospital next time. Or maybe it’s nothing to do with same sex relationships and it’s because it’s the first time?

**REY:** Don’t stress me out. Now I’m thinking something may be wrong.

**REY:** Their special hospital grade test was positive so I guess this is really happening.

**ROSE:** Be strong, babe.

**REY:** Okay all those movies didn’t lie, the gel stuff for the ultrasound is cold af

**REY:** So yeah...there’s a tiny baby in there

**REY:** “the size of a raspberry” the nurse just said

**REY:** FUck rose

**ROSE:** I’m about to burst in there in like 10 seconds

**REY:** Fuck I just remembered I’ve drank since sleeping with Armie

**REY:** they said it would be fine as long as I stop now

**REY:** JEsus christ

**ROSE:** Are you okay, babe?

**REY:** I’m...fine. They said everything seems normal. Eight weeks, as we know. Ugh.

**ROSE:** We’ll figure this out. Okay. I’m here for you 100%

**REY:** Thank you.


	8. Year One: December

**YEAR ONE: DECEMBER**

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
SUBJECT: You okay?

Hey Rey,

I couldn’t find you on facebook, so I figured this was the fastest way to get in touch with you since I know you don’t like to text because of the fees. Are you okay?

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: You okay?

Ha yeah  😅

I’m just kind of over facebook right now. Just taking a little break. I mean I hardly used it anyway. But emails work for me, if it’s okay with you. And letters. I still need to reply to your letter. I’m sorry. Life...as you know, keeps getting in the way.

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
RE: RE: You okay?

Okay, I’m just glad you’re doing all right. I was worried for a minute. I’m not sure how stressful gardening can be, but I believe you when you say that life can get in the way of things. I don’t mind emails. Old school as they are.

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: You okay?

“Old school”? You can’t talk with that email address, Solo  😆

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: You okay?

Ha yeah. I can’t delete it though. It’s got so many emails from Tai.

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: You okay?

Who has two thumbs and feels like a total wanker? That’d be me. Sorry, Ben :(

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: You okay?

It’s okay. I’m just glad you responded.

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: You okay?

It was like a month ago but I never asked, how was your Halloween? I didn’t do anything, just went out to a pub with Rose for a quick night out. Immediate regret though. I think I’m done with drinking for a while.

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: You okay?

Stayed in. Watched Corpse Bride. Kind of wished you had been around to watch it with, but I know you have a life too. You’ve been radio silent for a while. So then I went searching for you facebook and it was gone.

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: You okay?

Sorry, I just needed a break. I didn’t mean to freak you out or anything. I’m peachy. Rose is also dating someone and I didn’t want to have to be hit in the face with the fact of them being cute online while also seeing it play out in front of me in real life lol I feel so alone sometimes, especially now that Rose has someone.

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: You okay?

I’m sure she doesn’t want to make you feel that way. She’s your best friend. I get stepping away from social media. I really only kept my facebook for...well, this is getting repetitive but all the stuff with Tai. His page is still up.

I don’t know if that’s better or worse, making it feel like he’s still here.

Shit…

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: You okay?

I’m sorry, Ben :( I really wish I could be there. But I don’t see myself traveling any time soon. 

I know Rose doesn’t want me to feel like this, but sometimes it’s hard not to.

Ugh, look at us, being all depressed and stuff. If this is adulthood, I’m not sure if I want it. Refund please.

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: You okay?

You’re not alone, Rey. I’ll gladly be here for you, whatever you need, whenever you need it. I like...being needed just as much as I like not being alone.

Poe is working more, which is great for him, but he’s only home every couple days for a day or two. It’s kinda lonely.

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: You okay?

I’ll be here for you too. Even though email replies kind of suck lol I’m sorry you’re alone. Is it weird that it’s strangely comforting that you’re someone who I know can relate to me? Even with all this heavy, depressing stuff?

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: You okay?

It’s not strange. We’re friends, that’s what I’m here for, Rey. I’d do anything for you.

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: You okay?

Where did I luck out to find a guy like you to have in my life, huh? Thank you Ben. I’m gonna crash now, but feel free to reach out whenever, okay? And keep writing letters. They’re a highlight in my life right now!

* * *

_ (text messages) _

**ARMIE:** Heyyyy so was thinking it’s a fine evening for a repeat. Can I buy you drinks and fuck you again?

(timestamp)

**REY:** Hi Armie

**ARMIE:** ???

**REY:** Don’t be a fucking dick, it’s Rey.

**ARMIE:** Ah...finally come begging for a second chance?

**REY:** In your dreams. I’m pregnant, you fucker.

**ARMIE:** Uh...sorry?

**REY:** It’s yours.

**ARMIE:** Can’t be.

**REY:** It is.

**ARMIE:** I wore a condom.

**REY:** Then it fucking broke.

**ARMIE:** And you weren’t on anything?

**REY:** So this is my fault? And I was and I took a morning after pill too but this shit happens.

**REY:** Did happen. IS happening.

**ARMIE:** Fuck. It can’t be mine.

**REY:** You’re the only idiot I’ve slept with in six months. It can’t be anyone else’s.

**REY:** You don’t have to DO anything. I just thought you may want to know. Go back to fucking your way through London for all I care, prick.

* * *

_Rey,_

_So you’re getting double letters. Sorry, I just felt like writing and here it is. Poe is gonna be around for Christmas, at least a day or two, and Mom and Dad are coming to see us. I’m still not too hyped about stepping foot in NY anytime soon._

_I hope you’re taking care of yourself. I get dropping social media, but I hope that means you’ll still talk to me. Maybe we can watch a movie together again._

_Work has been good. I’m definitely making an impression with that higher up guy, Snoke. He’s just about taken me under his wing, so I can hope for some big things in the future._

_I hope you and Rose can do something for Christmas. Maybe the four of us can do a skype call and pretend we’re all in the same country. I miss seeing your face every day._

_That’s it for updates. Now you owe me two letters._

_-Ben_

_-_

_ Ben, _

_ You’ve got me there. I hope this letter is “two letters” worth. I didn’t know life could get so busy so fast. I regret not talking to you more. Almost enough to bring my facebook back, but not quite.  _

_ I’m happy to hear about your job! You deserve all the success in the world. My job is also great. I have the best boss. She’s told me that she can see me going really far, maybe even working for a city gardenscape one day. How cool would that be? _

_ Christmas is looming and I’m very glad I have Rose here. I think we can make Skype work. I’ll email you about it in case this letter doesn’t get to you in time. Post is always mad around the holidays. _

_ The greenhouse is still in full greenery. It really brings my mood up every time I step inside. I’ve attached a couple more pictures for you to add to your collages. As much as I usually detest all the busyness of London, it’s quite beautiful around Christmas. I wish you could see it. Maybe one day. _

_ I’m almost out of paper, so I’ll leave this letter off here. _

_ Love, Rey _

* * *

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
Sorry :(

Hey Ben, I’m so sorry I disappeared. My head has been in such a weird space. I’m about to go into debt just to text you to make this talking thing easier.

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
RE: Sorry :(

I don’t want you to go into debt over me. What’s up? Did something happen?

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: RE: Sorry :(

Have you ever felt like your life is totally out of your control and you’re just kind of sitting aside and letting things happen to you?

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

Specific, but yeah. I know the feeling. It sucks. What’s been going on?

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

Oh it’s um...it’s nothing. I think the holidays are just getting to me. Oh! Are we going to Skype? Did Poe say he wanted to?

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

I talked to him about it. And yeah, I think we’re in. It’s the closest we’re gonna get to being in the same city for Christmas.

Are you  **sure** you’re okay?

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

That’s great! Just a few more days. I’m really looking forward to it. Rose, too. We’ve gotta reunite 3B and 3C as much as we can.

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

I agree.

You’ve avoided my question though.

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

I’m fine, Ben, really. It’s um...you’re home from work right?

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

Yeah, I just got in.

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

Do you want to watch a movie? I mean, after you get settled or whatever. 

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

Sure. Just give me half an hour. What time is it there?

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

It’s about 10:30. So I’ll try to find something short. Hopefully that both Netflix’s have.

How about Inside Out? I feel like an animated movie and Christmas ones are too cheesy.

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

Okay. I’m ready, got food and everything. We’ll probably be out of sync but it’s okay.

_ (many minutes and emotions later) _

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
(RE:) RE: Sorry :(

Shit I forgot about that part at the end with the water boy. Totally my brain the first time we met.

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
(RE:) RE: RE: Sorry :(

Sdfghjkl BEN! You can’t be serious.

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
(RE:) RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

Totally serious. You’re gorgeous y’know and not at all like the usual people who end up in my life.

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
(RE:) RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

😂

I refuse to believe that. I’m just  _ me _ , nothing special.

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
(RE:) RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

You can’t be serious. C’mon Rey, you’re amazing.

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
(RE:) RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

I’m amazing at CRYING. 😭

-

  
TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
(RE:) RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

Aw shit, I didn’t mean to make you cry. I was trying to make you feel better.

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
(RE:) RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

I do. I am. I’m just feeling emotional right now. You know, because of...the movie… ;)

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
(RE:) RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

Okay. I don’t want to be the cause for you crying, ever.

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
(RE:) RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

You don’t usually. But I’m just tired and that was really nice. 

I should probably get some sleep. Talk to you in a few days, okay? Face to face! (ish)

-

TO: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
FROM: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
(RE:) RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

I’m gonna count down the hours. Goodnight Rey!

-

TO: Ben <ridinsolo89@email.com>  
FROM: Rey <sunrey@email.com>  
(RE:) RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry :(

Goodnight Ben  💛

* * *

The Christmas Skype call was everything and more. Rey hadn’t realized how much she missed Ben and Poe until she saw them on the screen. She started crying and had to leave the room for a few minutes before she composed herself and came back.

The connection was shit and it was pixely and laggy, but it was the best two hours of her life in a long time. Eventually though, Poe left because he had a  _ date _ and Rose was exhausted so she scurried off to her room.

That left Rey and Ben, an ocean apart, a crappy internet connection keeping them together.

“It’s really good to see you,” Rey said after a while, propping her chin in her hand, eyes searching the pixely screen for any signs of anxiety or stress or anything bad he may be hiding. She couldn’t make anything out. He looked...great. Relaxed, and he’d smiled more in the last two hours than she remembered him ever smiling in a week back when they lived across the hall from one another.

Ben shifted around on his side, becoming a blur before he settled down, arms crossed, leaning against the dining room table in 3C. Rey had many memories about that table: playing Cards Against Humanity, spilling un-set Jello shots all over it, catching Poe giving someone a handjob on it...it made her snicker, smothering her laughter with her hand.

“You look great, Rey,” Ben said.

She wrinkled her nose, knowing she looked like a mess. Hair thrown up, little annoying wisps around her ears, wearing her biggest, most unflattering grey jumper. “Please,” she rolled her eyes. “It’s the pixels.” Before he could say anything more, Rey pushed on, “This is so much nicer than emails.”

“You bet. I’ve missed your voice.”

Rey smiled and brought her legs up onto the chair, wrapping her arms around her knees. “I think you’ve been partaking too much in that champagne Poe brought. Which...is weird since champagne is a New Years thing.”

“He thought it was sparkling wine. He tries his best.” 

“Mmmm. And did you know about this date of his?”

“Sort of. He mentioned some...I don’t know, sports announcer. But not real sports. I don’t understand.” 

“Hmmm.” Rey tilted her head up and thought about it. “I’ve got nothing. Keep me updated though. I have no love life to speak of so I’ll just casually live vicariously through others. By the way, have you gotten yourself a girlfriend?”

“No. Not really something at the forefront of my mind right now.”

“But wouldn’t it be nice for when Poe is away? You’d still have someone around.”

He frowned a little, dragged his hand through his hair. It was getting long. Rey used to cut everyone’s hair in college, including her own. “It would be but I really don’t…”

If the connection was better, Rey could have been the swirling ocean of emotions in Ben’s eyes. But she couldn’t. “Don’t really what? Don’t have the time?”

“That...that isn’t what I was going to say, but it is true. I feel like all I do is work these days.”

“No homework though,” Rey cheered, lifting her glass of water.

“You’re really not drinking anymore?” Ben prompted to ask.

Rey took a sip and slowly put the glass down. She wasn’t a lush, but she liked a drink to wind down, to relax. And obviously that hadn’t escaped his notice; he  _ was _ very observant. And so she thought very hard about what she was going to say.

Rose had successfully kept the baby news under wraps during the whole video call, just as Rey asked. She still didn’t know what to think about it; it hadn’t quite hit yet since her body hadn’t really started noticeably changing yet. And there was no reason  _ not _ to tell her best friends about it, right? But...but she still didn’t know. Maybe she would just wait a little longer, until she figured out what she was going to do. Rose had recently suggested adoption, if she wasn’t ready to take on a child, but it had just made her more confused.

“Yeah,” Rey said, flashing a smile and waving a hand, thankful for the pixely screen. “Decided to give my liver a break for a little while. Do a healthy thing for a little while.”

“You, healthy?” Ben chuckled. “You eat more pizza than anyone I know.”

“They don’t have good pizza here so I’m forced to resort to a rabbit diet,” she shot back. 

Ben sat back. “I still feel like something is up.”

“It’s not, you’re just sensing the Bermuda Triangle trying to vibe me from across the ocean.”

“Vibe you?”

“Come on, Poe made me watch like three seasons of that stupid speedster show and I know you were around for some of it.”

“Ah yes, right ‘vibe you’,” he said in air quotes, grinning. “Maybe you’re right. You’d tell me if something was up?”

Rey bit down on her lower lip and nodded. “Yeah.” A little white lie, she told herself, that was all. Instantly her stomach rolled, as if the lie was too much. “Look, Ben, I think I should go. I’m pretty tired.”

“Oh.” The sadness was palpable through his voice and for a moment the connection was clear enough for her to see his eyes. “Right. Sorry, I keep forgetting about the time difference.”

“It’s okay.” She forced on a smile and leaned closer to the screen. “It was really nice to see you again. Happy Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Rey.”

“Bye!” Her hand hovered over the mousepad and then she clicked, stopping the video. It froze for a moment then went black. She took in and let out a short breath. She didn’t know why but her eyes instantly glossed over and she cursed into the quiet flat, blinking and rubbing her eyes as she shut the lid of her computer and shuffled to her bedroom, collapsing on her bed and grumbling into her pillows.

* * *


	9. Year Two: January

**YEAR TWO: JANUARY**

_Happy new year, Rey!_

_Hopefully this will be a good year for the both of us. So much has changed in just six months, I hope life just takes a breather for a second. I’m writing this on New Years Day at...12:30am because I’m that loser who’s just sitting at home. No parties for me. Poe is apparently serious about this new dude though, he went to a party. I think his name is...Finn? Something like that._

_It’s been snowing for a while. It got me thinking about the first winter you were in Boston. I’d never seen anyone so excited to see snow before. It was adorable._

_Shit I totally forgot what I was going to write (it’s the morning now). I spilled a beer all over myself and fell asleep. Not really the best start to a New Year but whatever. Talk about a real 21st century letter this is turning into._

_Anyway, I loved talking to you on Christmas. And I still miss having you around._

_-Ben_

* * *

_(text messages - a peek into ben's life!)_

**BEN:** I didn’t think you were doing any flights but I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen you at home in a couple days

**BEN:** O.O

**POE:** My man, I am being a bad friend and I know this and you know this but also know that I am in the throes of trying to get this relationship started

**BEN:** With Finn

**POE:** With Finn.

**BEN:** I haven’t even met this guy

**POE:** What are you, my mom? 

**BEN:** No, I’m just curious

**POE:** [photo sent]

**BEN:** Is that him?

**POE:** Yep

**BEN:** You should uh...invite me to one of these parties he always seems to be throwing

**POE:** Ben Solo? Partying? Has hell frozen over?

**BEN:** Ass

**BEN:** I’m just trying to be friendly

**POE:** Fine sure sure next time there’s a party, I’ll text you. You better not drag the whole thing down though. I remember you in college, you’d just lumber in the corner until Rey would force shots in you and she’s not here to do that anymore

**BEN:** No need to remind me

**POE:** Shit man

**POE:** You need to get over her. I mean, keep her as a friend because she’s great, but Get. Over. Her.

**BEN:** I’m trying

**POE:** No you’re not

**BEN** : ….

**BEN:** No I guess I’m not

**POE:** You never told her how you feel and she’s gone now so you just need to decide if you’re gonna be miserable and alone forever or find a new chick to obsess over

**BEN:** I do not “obsess”

**POE:** Tough love, Benny boy.

**POE:** Look, you need to just find a new pretty girl, get laid, move on. Rey is always gonna be there but you missed your chance, bud

* * *

_ (text messages) _

**REY:** Ben! Guess what! I got a small raise at my job and I can afford to text you for a little while at least.

**BEN:** Hey Rey. You got a raise already? That’s great

**REY:** Yeah I talked with my boss about what’s going on and she upped my pay a little

**BEN:** ...what’s been going on?

**REY:** Oh um...just some stuff with the building my flat is in. Rates going up and all that.

**BEN:** Is that it? I mean, when we were talking on Skype it seemed like there was something you wanted to tell me at one point.

_ (Rey’s phone typing responses and deleting them:  
_ _ -I do want to tell you something but if I do it will make it real and I don’t know if I can handle that  
_ _ -I’m pregnant and I’m scared to death and I don’t know what to do  
_ _ -I want to tell you everything but I know how you are and you’d fuck up your own life to help me and I can’t do that to you) _

**REY:** It’s really nothing, I promise. It’s just strange being away from the US after spending two years there. I still feel like I left half my life back in Boston.

**BEN:** I feel like you took half my life with you too

**REY:** What?

**BEN:** I just mean, you were a big part of my life and then you were gone is all.

**REY:** Oh. I mean, I couldn’t really help it. I couldn’t stay in the country unless I found a job and I wasn’t having any luck. I am sorry about the unfortunate timing of leaving though. I really do wish I could have come back.

**BEN:** Me too. You’re kind of my best friend now.

**REY:** Am I? What about Poe?

**BEN:** Nah. Just you.

**REY:** Ben...🥺 You need to stop with this habit of making me cry

**BEN:** I don’t mean to. I’m just really glad I have you in my life.

**REY:** I’m glad you’re in my life too. 💛

* * *

_ (facebook messages) _

**REY:** I keep fucking lying to Ben and it’s killing me

**ROSE:** Simple answer: stop lying to him.

**REY:** 😣It’s not that easy

**ROSE:** Yeah, it is. You told me, just tell him.

**REY:** But...I know him. He’d want to help. He just told me I’m his best friend since Tai is gone.

**REY:** And I still don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to tell him if the baby isn’t going to be in my life after. Can you still come with me to the adoption office on Friday?

**ROSE:** I can come with you. I know this is a big life changing thing but if you really are his best friend, maybe you should tell him. How would he feel about you lying to him?

**REY:** Probably not great. I hate this.

**ROSE:** I know babe

**REY:** Adulting sucks.

**ROSE:** Yeah it does. But now I’ve got to get back to set. I’ll be home with take-out so text me what you want!

REY: Okay.

* * *

_ (text messages) _

**BEN:** So I went to tell Rey how I feel

**POE:** That is literally the opposite of what I told you to do Ben

**BEN:** But I chickened out. Like always. But we’re still friends. She seemed to like that.

**POE:** There you go! Now you can get on with your life. I mean seriously how long has it been since you got laid? Years? That’s pathetic. Finn knows all kinds of people, I’m sure he can find you a good match.

**BEN:** Why, is he a celebrity?

**POE:** No! I’ve told you, he’s an e-sports announcer.

**BEN:** Those are words but I’m not understanding.

**POE:** E-Sports...gaming. Video. Games. You’re a nerd you should know this.

**BEN:** Not that kind of nerd.

**BEN:** I didn’t know they had announcers?

**POE:** They do. They have tournaments and shit too. Tons of money too.

**BEN:** Damn, a whole new world

**POE:** Fuck yeah. So I’ll find you a girl, get a party together and you’ll actually try this out, right?

**BEN:** Right.

**POE:** Good. Now my next flight’s in an hour and I’ve gotta grab some food. ✌️


	10. Year Two: February

**YEAR TWO: FEBRUARY**

_(facebook messages)_

**ROSE:** Where did you go? I know that was...really intense, but where did you run off to?

**REY:** I’m crying over a Greg’s sausage roll. I’ll be fine in a little bit.

**ROSE:** Okay, I’ll give you space. But...Rey, I’ve never seen you run so fast.

**REY:** I can’t do it Rose

**REY:** I know it would be different from me, like it would be a couple that I meet and get to know first, but I don’t know. What if they’re great with me but they turn out to be horrible people after? Or what if they just decide they don’t want the baby after a year or two? Then the baby goes to the State and I know how that is. It’s horrible.

**ROSE:** Okay, so what are you saying?

**REY:** I’m saying I need to start getting my shit together if I’m going to keep this baby.

**ROSE:** Wow, really?

**REY:** Yes. I mean...I had vague dreams and plans for the WAY future, but like I said, I wasn’t single. Or so young. 

**ROSE:** Well it’s happening, but you know what? You have me. I told you, I’m here for you all the way. 

**ROSE:** Auntie Rosie 🤧

**REY:** Please don’t post anything about this online. I don’t want anyone poking their heads in where they don’t belong.

**ROSE:** Of course babe 

* * *

_ (text messages) _

**REY:** I’m breaking my own rules and texting you again. I can afford it (I tell myself)

**BEN:** If you need me to, I can always send you some cash for your birthday so I can selfishly use your texts up

**REY:** Maybe, but I don’t want to take any money from you, that feels weird

**BEN:** Just let me know.

**BEN:** How are you?

**REY:** I’ve had a...rough day.

**BEN:** You wanna talk about it? I assume that’s why you texted me.

**REY:** It is. I figured a non-bias party would be best.

**BEN:** I’m listening.

**REY:** How do you stand Poe’s new relationship?

**BEN:** Wow okay. Um...noise cancelling headphones.

**REY:** 😑

**BEN:** No actually Poe hasn’t brought him home yet. Um...I dunno, I’m happy for him. I like when the people around me are happy and everyone deserves someone. Why, is Rose’s girlfriend a life ruiner?

**REY:** No, no, Kaydel is fantastic. Like...FANTASTIC. It’s grating. They’re so perfect and happy all the time. 

**BEN:** And you’re not?

**REY:** No! I’m so stressed out that I could happily punch a wall if all of ours weren’t brick.

**BEN:** Wow, what’s been going on? I thought that flowers were meant to be calming.

**REY:** They...they are. Life is just...not what I expected. I didn’t know I’d have to make so many big decisions right out of college. I thought I’d have time to just be me for a little while longer.

**BEN:** Whoa, Rey.

**BEN:** Seriously, are you okay?

**REY:** I don’t know. Rose is working through the night and I’m home all alone and I’m just not in a very good headspace right now. 

**BEN:** Do you want to Skype? It sounds like you need someone.

**REY:** I do.

-

Rey’s computer sat on the kitchen counter and she paced in front of it as the call came through. Chewing on her thumbnail, she made sure to floof out her sweater just in case she stepped too far back from the camera. 

“Hey,” Ben’s voice chirped through the device.

“Hi,” Rey said, still pacing, still chewing. “Is it horrible of me to feel like I want to strangle Rose’s girlfriend?”

“Probably not,” Ben chuckled. “I mean, you’re only human and having a tough time.”

“I am! Thank you!” She waved a hand at the camera and then resumed pacing. “I feel so bad and I obviously can’t talk to Rose about it so you’re…” She paused and turned to the laptop, “so you’re it.”

He gave her a soft, easy smile. The connection was a lot better than on Christmas. He was in a white t-shirt, his hair had been trimmed, and he looked nice. So nice. Rey pushed the computer back and then leaned in front of it, ignoring how huge her forehead looked in the little thumbnail of her video. 

“I’m glad you want to talk to me. I mean, about this stuff. It is what friends are for.”

“Yeah, exactly.” She crossed her arms, encased in her pink jumper and rested her chin on her wrists. “God I think I’m a horrible person.”

His smile slid off his face. “Rey, you’re far from horrible.”

“I am! I can’t get my shit together, I’m getting upset over Rose being  _ happy _ , I’m a fucking disaster.” 

“Come on, that sounds like normal post-college stuff. What else have you been doing?”

“Getting my ass drunk and sleeping with Irish pricks,” slipped out without a thought and her eyes widened, heart pounding in her chest.

Ben’s eyebrows rose a little. “Oh uh...that’s not what I was asking, but...good for you?”

Rey shook her head, cheeks flushed. “No, no, bad for me.” She could tell him, right now. It was the perfect chance, but she couldn’t get the words out. Her throat constricted, she was going to start  _ crying _ and she just couldn’t do it.

“Oh well, I’m sorry to hear that.”

She cleared her phlegmy throat and picked up the computer, resting it against her ribs as she walked to the couch. “I just mean...I’m still alone. I haven’t really found any new friends here. I didn’t really leave any when I went to America so I’m...I think I’m just going around in circles.” She sat down on the sofa, playing the laptop in her lap and keeping the camera tilted up so it only showed her shoulders and face. “I’m just fucking lonely, Ben.”

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I get that.”

“I’m a social person, I work with  _ plants _ and like two people. I need to...I don’t know, join a club or something.” She put a hand on her face and groaned. As if she didn’t have enough going on in her life. And her inability to tell Ben about her current situation was eating away at her, even as talking to him was making her feel better.

“Maybe. I mean, anything could help. I could, I could come visit. Soon, I mean, not right now. I haven’t gotten any leave time yet. At the six month mark you get two weeks and then at three years you get more.”

Rey wrinkled her nose. “That doesn’t sound fair at all.

“Welcome to America.”

She laughed, just a little, scooting down and resting her head back against the cushions. She looked slightly less hideous from this angle. “I feel like such a horrible friend. I want Rose to be happy, I really do!”

“I know you do. And she knows it too. One slip up doesn’t ruin a friendship. We should know.”

“Should we?” She quirked a brow.

“Uh...it’s nothing.”

Rey frowned. “Ben…”

He shifted around behind the camera, becoming a little blur before he settled back down, elbow on the table, head in hand, chewing on a nail. “Are you feeling better?”

So he wasn’t going to talk about it,  _ fine _ . “A little,” she admitted, even as she felt like she was drowning a little  _ not telling him _ . 

“Oh good.” He sounded surprised.

“Random question…”

“Sure.”

“What do you think about kids?”

“Like...in general?”

She waved a hand in what she hoped looked like a casual way. “In any way. Your own, in general…”

“My own?” He scoffed. “I mean, sure in the future probably. I’m in no state to have kids now. I still live with my college roommate.”

Rey laughed, though even she could tell it was a little strained. “Right.”

“But in the future? Yeah, totally. I like taking care of people and what better way to do that, right? Kids are great. I mean...crazy and chaotic, but great.” He tilted his eyes upward for a moment. “Yeah, I think I could be a dad.”

Rey sniffed and scrubbed at her eyes when he wasn’t looking. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” With a shrug, he turned his attention back to her. “What about you?”

“Yeah uh...same actually,” she stammered. “In the future...once I’m living in like rural England or something where there’s more open space and fewer vehicles. I don’t know...I don’t know if I’d be a good mum but I’d try at least.”

“Hey, then that’s all your future kids could ask for, right?”

“Right,” she replied, swallowing the lump in her throat. “Anyway, in other news, we’ve got new rose hybrids. My boss is so excited even though the English are sticklers for pureblood shit. They’re lovely, orangish and a little bigger than a regular rose.”

“Sounds really cool. Or, pretty I guess?”

“Both,” Rey grinned. The tightness in her chest loosened as the subject turned to something less emotional. She was about to continue when a volley of sounds came from his side of the camera. She watched Ben turn and lean back in his seat, talk to someone in mumbled voices she couldn’t make out and then suddenly Poe appeared.

“Hey Rey!” he exclaimed, leaning in front of the camera.

“Hey Poe,” she grinned. “Nice uniform. Very hot.”

He tugged at the pale blue collar. “Thank you, I try. How’s things?”

“Just great. I’d invite Rose over to say hi but she’s at work tonight. It’s nice to see you though.”

“Same, kid. I’m actually gonna hit the showers, then oh…” He stepped away and poked Ben in the shoulder, “do I have news for you, bud.”

Ben pushed him away and Poe chuckled. Rey smiled, warm and content for a moment.

“I should probably let you go,” she said, afraid that the knowledge she was keeping to herself was going to come back out and choke her again.

“Yeah, it’s probably late there.”

She glanced at the clock. “It’s just past one.”

“Shit, Rey. Okay, well, good night. Text me any time, okay?”

“Okay. Goodnight, Ben.”

“Night, Rey.”

* * *

_Ben,_

_Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I really need to get back into this letter writing thing. I’ve been really tired lately, and I don’t want to do anything once I’m home from work._

_I also hope that this year will be better for us than last year. I mean, last year started out great but it faltered for sure. I really want to try to get into other hobbies. I was thinking of learning how to bake. I know, it will be disastrous to start, but maybe I could get good at it._

_Also hiking. There’s so many places to hike here if you get away from the city. Kind of like Massachusetts. Remember when we all pitched in and rented that tiny cramped trailer for a week and went to the Berkshires? That was really fun. Is it too soon to be nostalgic for college? We haven’t even been graduated for a year yet._

_I hope this gets to you before Valentine’s Day so you can get my pressed rose just for you. Cheesy I know, but I don’t want you to think that you’re alone._

_How is that new job going? Any progress with your...higher up guy? I don’t remember his official title._

_Thank you for being such a great friend. I don’t think I deserve it all the time._

_Love, Rey_

* * *

_(facebook messages)_

**REY:** So...have you ever noticed how nice Ben is?

**ROSE:** I mean yeah. He’s great. Supreme nice guy without being a Nice Guy, y’know?

**REY:** Right…

**ROSE:** Wait….Reymonda Johnson, are you saying what I think you’re saying?

**REY:** asdfghjk that is not my name

**REY:** And I’m not saying anything

**REY:** 👀

**ROSE:** MA’AM!

**REY:** It’s probably just hormones right? Like my body being like “well you’re knocked up, you NEED A MAN” and there’s Ben

**ROSE:** 🤯 What is even happening right now?

**REY:** I don’t knoooooowwwwww

**REY:** He just said something recently and I can’t stop thinking about it

**ROSE:** What?

**REY:** I was trying to tell him about y’know, and I couldn’t so I asked him what he thought about kids and he said one day and that he’d want to be a dad. I don’t know, I’m hormonal and it’s BEN. I know how sweet he is.

**ROSE:** He is indeed the sweetest guy.

**ROSE:** Valentine’s Day already came and went otherwise I’d say that’s a perfect time to tell him

**REY:** I have bad timing. I mean, I’m knocked up with some other dude’s kid. He probably wouldn’t want to be with me anyway.

**ROSE:** Harsh :(

**REY:** Realistic

**ROSE:** Whiplash. I’m having whiplash from your mood changes.

**REY:** Blame the baby.


	11. Year Two: March

**YEAR TWO: MARCH**

_(facebook messages)_

**ROSE:** So uh...I hope you didn’t do anything with Ben yet.

**REY:** Why not? I mean, I haven’t because every two seconds I change my mind.

**ROSE:** Well he just...posted a photo on facebook. And it’s from a party but he’s with a lady.

**REY:** Oh…

**ROSE:** Yeah. She’s tagged in it and wow...damn. She’s an actress. Small time, but yeah. And gorgeous.

**REY:** Not helping.

**ROSE:** Shit sorry. Do you want to see the photo?

**REY:** No. Are they...I mean are they like “together” or are they just in the same frame?

**ROSE:** His hand’s on her back and she’s leaning into him. I think it’s a together thing

**REY:** 😪

**REY:** I mean it’s not like I really expected anything but...the thought was nice. 

**ROSE:** The thought was very nice

**REY:** Does he look happy?

**ROSE:** He’s smiling so yeah I guess so. And it’s a real smile, not his fake one that looks like he’s screaming for help

**REY:** Good. I mean...good for him. I’m glad.

**ROSE:** But hey, you’ve still got me! Ride or die.

**REY:** 💗

**REY:** Hey can you come to my six month appointment with me? I know you’ve come to a lot of them but this is a big one.

**ROSE:** Of course babe, just tell me when. Holdo is very accommodating. She’s definitely not Meryl Streep from TDWP.

**REY:** I’m glad. For me. I’m selfish.

**ROSE:** I know babe. It’s okay.

* * *

_Rey,_

_Sorry it’s been a while. I’d say life got in the way but we both know that’s true by now and doesn’t really need saying. I hope you’re doing well, I haven’t really heard from you, but I hope that no news is good news. Poe seems to think that if anything bad was going on, Rose would talk to me about it._

_I’m not sure if you’d have learned about this...I probably should have texted you but writing it in a letter makes it feel more personal, weirdly enough. Anyway, I’m sort of seeing someone. It’s something Poe and Finn set up. I was skeptical at first, but things are going pretty well so far. Her name is Bazine and she’s an actress. Which is not something I ever thought I could say: My girlfriend’s an actress. Me, Ben Solo. Who would have thought?_

_Anyway, I realize that flashing my relationship in your face is probably not what you want right now judging from our last conversation but I hope it’s okay to tell you. I won’t talk about it or Bazine any more with you if you don’t want me to. I don’t want you to think about strangling me or her._

_How is spring over in England? Are there a lot of wild flowers starting to bud? I assume there are, but it’s something you’d have a particular knowledge about so I need to ask. I love when you talk about things that you’re passionate about. Speaking of things, did you ever get into any hobbies? Tell me about them!_

_It appears my writing skills have returned. They seem to come and go as they please._

_-Ben_


	12. Year Two: April

**YEAR TWO: APRIL**

_ (text messages) _

**REY:** I need something from you

**ARMIE:** Do you now?

**REY:** Look, I told you you don’t have to be involved with this kid’s life, but I’ve been giving you updates out of being a kind hearted person.

**ARMIE:** Kind hearted? Yeah sure.

**REY:** Okay well you’re the reason I’m in this mess anyway.

**ARMIE:** What do you *need*?

**REY:** Money.

**ARMIE:** HA!

**REY:** Listen, I’ve just been told I need to quit my job and limit being on my feet and doing activities. My boss is holding my job, but this is going to be a few months before I can collect any maternity help and I need to be able to keep my place.

**ARMIE:** Okay.

**REY:** Really?

**ARMIE:** I’m not as much as a fucking arsehole as you like to think. How much do you need?

**REY:** Just my half of rent for a few months. My roommate makes enough to cover other things.

**ARMIE:** Okay, I can send it over in one lump sum in a few days.

**REY:** Um...thank you.

**ARMIE:** Yeah, sure.

* * *

_ (text messages) _

**REY:** Hi Ben!

**BEN:** Rey hey, sorry, I know you sent this yesterday, but I was busy.

**REY:** It’s okay. How are you? I got your letter, sorry I haven’t replied. I won’t spoil it by writing my replies here.

**REY:** How’s Bazine?

**BEN:** Oh uh she’s good yeah. I’m good too. Work is...stressful, but good.

**REY:** That’s great.

**BEN:** And you?

**REY:** I’m...sick.

**BEN:** I’m sorry to hear that.

**REY:** Yeah I’m um...home for a few months.

**BEN:** What? What’s wrong? That sounds serious. Shit, Rey, is it cancer?

**REY:** No, not cancer, just my body rebelling against life. High blood pressure, fainting spells…

**BEN:** Too much pizza…

**REY:** Ha, very funny. I’m okay though, just bored out of my mind. I’ve gotten into READING. Also maybe knitting if Rose can get me better yarn.

**BEN:** How long do you have to stay home?

**REY:** Until July. I mean, I can still move around and do things but I need to be careful is all.

**BEN:** July? That’s three months. You’re gonna go stir-crazy.

**REY:** Definitely. But hopefully after that I’ll be fine.

* * *

_ (facebook messages) _

**REY:** literally still lying to Ben. Why am I this way?

**ROSE:** Babe, what are you actually gonna do when this little nugget gets here? TELL HIM.

**REY:** Oh sure, now’s a perfect time since he has a GIRLFRIEND.

**ROSE:** that has nothing to do with it. It’s not like it’s his baby.

**REY:** …

**REY:** Fair point. But it’s...it’s already gone so far. What would he think if I told him now?

**ROSE:** I don’t know, why don’t you ask him?

**REY:** Rose :(

**ROSE:** I’m sorry, but you dug this hole, you need to figure it out.


	13. Year Two: May

** YEAR TWO: MAY **

_Ben,_

_Wow I’m really the worst pen pal. You deserved this letter months ago. I’m stuck at home, as you know, and it’s been strange. I’m very glad I managed to bring home half a garden so I at least have something to look after when I’m stuck inside. It’s spring, nearly summer, so it’s getting warmer. I can’t go for those long hikes I was looking forward to, but I have been able to enjoy being outside for small bursts here and there._

_Rose and Kaydel are great. I think they want to move in together but I’m sort of in the way. Which makes me feel bad but I can’t really do anything about it. Rose insists it’s fine, Kaydel may just try to move into the next open flat in our building. I feel bad about wanting to strangle her a few months ago. She really is very sweet. I think you two would get along. I’m sure you’ve probably seen photos of her and Rose on facebook, but I promised to keep you up to date._

_As you know, my hiking hobby is out the window, but I have been knitting like an old lady. I’ve made some halfway decent things. Maybe I’ll get good enough by next Christmas and I can make you a sweater or something. I’ve also fallen into the pit of Netflix, watching just about every B-rated teen TV show out there. It’s not a great use of my time, but it is what it is. I’ve been taking a few photos from my windows, and also when I go out. They’re not as pretty as my greenhouse photos, but at least it’s something._

_I realize I haven’t been the best friend when it comes to keeping up with you. I’ve sort of isolated myself here at home and I haven’t thought much about anyone else and what they’re doing. I mean, I think about you all the time. And then I try to think of something to say over text and I can’t come up with any good reason for you to speak to me what with your celebrity girlfriend and fancy job._

_And here I am, being self-centered again. I really hope you’re doing well, Ben._

_Love, Rey_


	14. Year Two: June

**YEAR TWO: JUNE**

Rey had it all worked out. She’d been thinking about this for days, composing the perfect fake conversation in her mind. She’d even written four possible scripts in her notebook. 

Things like “Hi Ben, I know I’ve been keeping this from you, but I didn’t know how to tell you, but I’m about to have a baby,” in varying degrees of eloquence littered the pages. How exactly did you tell someone you were knocked up when you’ve been lying to them for months about it?

Rey, belly growing larger every day--thank god Rose could work magic with a sewing machine so Rey didn’t have to keep buying expensive maternity clothes--sat at the kitchen table and stretched her fingers over the keyboard.

She’d been sitting here for two minutes, frozen, before she finally typed in facebook.com and reactivated her account. Her last post was a year ago, a text post about leaving Boston. Her eyes teared up but she went onto her feed and started scrolling. She didn’t follow many people so she didn’t have to wade through a lot of bullshit. 

She saw pictures of Rose and Kaydel, whole blocks of thumbnails, albums filling up like they just dumped their whole phone cameras onto them. Rey was nowhere to be seen in any of them. It was like she had completely just...disappeared, like she was nothing.

Heaving a sigh and shifting her legs to get more comfortable, Rey scrolled some more. She saw pictures of Poe and his boyfriend and instantly felt regret for not telling Poe either. 

“This was a bad idea,” she muttered into the empty flat. Some of the plants seemed to flutter in response, but she focused on the screen in front of her.

She scrolled a bit farther and froze, hand hovering over the keypad. Because there was Ben’s name and there was the little red heart under it with “In a Relationship” underneath. Of course he was, he’d  _ told her _ that he was seeing Bazine and she’d accepted it because she wanted him to be happy. But that didn’t stop the roiling emotions coursing through her veins; selfish, self pitying emotions that made her eyes tear up. She slammed down the screen of her laptop and stared off into space for a while.

Her hand twitched toward her phone on the table. Almost like watching herself from outside of herself, like an observer of a movie, she pulled up Ben’s last messages and her thumbs hovered over the keypad.

“I should still tell him,” she said, even though a large part of her kept repeating the same thing “don’t tell him, you’d just be a burden, look he’s living his life, don’t drag him down with you” and eventually she sniffled and wrote a message to him, though it wasn’t what she wanted to say.

-

_ (text message)  
_ **REY:** Hi Ben, I know it’s been a little while, but I hope you’re doing well. 💛


	15. Year Two: July

** YEAR TWO: JULY **

_Rey,_

_Sorry I haven’t responded. Life has gone into an upheaval and I’m just trying to keep my footing. I also trashed my phone and lost all my contacts. I thought I saw you on facebook for half a second but I must have been mistaken. I could have emailed you but like I said, busy._

_Things at work are rough, the higher ups are tense about something big and it trickles down the corporate ladder. Snoke has been a real help though, pushing me to do better so I can thank him for me not rage quitting this place._

_Anyway, as much as work has been crazy, at least it’s keeping me occupied. I’ve been ignoring Bazine for a while just totally caught up in my own head. It’s been almost a year since Tai’s accident and it’s dragging everything back up to the surface. Poe’s gone a lot, but he’s been sending me “chin up” text messages like he’s a life coach. It’s annoying, hilarious and nice._

_Wish you were here._

_-Ben_

* * *

_(text messages)  
_

**REY:** I didn’t realize you’d lost your phone, but thanks for sending Rose your new number so she could give it to me. I got your letter and I wanted to make sure I reached out. How are you doing?

 **BEN:** Hi Rey. Man, do I wish life didn’t keep getting in the way of shit. I feel like I haven’t spoken to you in months.

 **REY:** It kind of has been.

 **BEN:** Are you feeling better?

 **REY:** Um...yeah. The resting at home thing really paid off.

 **BEN:** Good I’m glad.

 **REY:** Ben...I really need to tell you something.

 **BEN:** Okay. I hope it’s good news.

 **REY:** It’s...why?

 **BEN:** Just...I mean I hope you’re doing good. And I could use some good news right now. I am stressed to the nines and I keep overworking myself trying not to think about Tai.

 **REY:** :( I’m sorry to hear that, I wish I could help.

 **BEN:** Do you know what would help?

 **REY:** Is this the part where I guess?

 **BEN:** Talking to you. I mean, hearing your voice, seeing your face. It always makes me feel better.

 **REY:** Ben...I can’t. Not right now. Maybe you can call Bazine? She is your girlfriend, she should be there helping you.

 **BEN:** You’re the only one who gets this though. I mean, Bazine didn’t know me then, didn’t know him, didn’t lose him

 **REY:** I know, but I can’t. And I think maybe you should talk to her about it? She should be there for you. I’m sure she wants to be. You’re an amazing guy, Ben. You deserve to be around someone who you can talk to. So try talking to her. And if it doesn’t help, then I’ll call you. Okay?

 **BEN:** Okay, deal.

 **REY:** I miss him too. A lot. I think sometimes about him popping his head into my flat like he used to do at Corneal St Corner, a daydream I guess.

 **BEN:** I think about that too.

 **REY:** I’m so sorry this happened Ben. I really wish I could go back and change things. It really sucks.

 **BEN:** It does. And believe me, if I could go back I would. 

**REY:** I don’t want to sound like a broken record but I am here for you. No matter how tough I just sounded a few minutes ago.

 **BEN:** Thank you Rey

**REY: 💛**

* * *

_(text messages)_ _(two days later - july 9th)_

 **REY:** So are you on your way home?

 **ROSE:** YES! Kaydel is driving, we’ll be there shortly. How are you doing, babe?

 **REY:** Pain, so much pain. I can’t believe they told me to wait at home! It’s been hours of this. Our neighbors probably think I'm being murdered.

 **ROSE:** We’ll get you to the hospital as soon as we can. And they have that whole epidural thing.

 **REY:** Yeah. I should text Armie shouldn’t I?

 **ROSE:** Maybe. Feel free to vent all your pain out on him. It is his fault.

 **REY:** This is true.


	16. Year Two: August

**YEAR TWO: AUGUST**

_ (text messages) _

**BEN:** So have you heard from Rey recently?

**POE:** Not really. I should feel bad about that…

**BEN:** But life gets in the way. I mean I talked to her a few weeks ago...a month ago?

**POE:** Look, from what I’ve heard, college friends will stay your friends forever, no matter how long it’s been since you’ve talked. So don’t sweat it. The time difference can probably be held accountable for a lot of it.

**BEN:** You’re right. It’s just...she’s been acting really weird over the past few months.

**POE:** If you’re so worried, go visit her. You’ve got your six month vacation time.

**BEN:** I can’t. I mean, I can, but I’d have to take Bazine with me and I don’t know if I want to bombard Rey and Rose like that.

**POE:** Uh-huh. I thought you were trying with this, Ben, you promised.

**BEN:** trying what?

**POE:** Getting over Rey.

**BEN:** I am! Am I not allowed to be worried about my friend?

**POE:** You are, but I’m watching you, buddy.

* * *

Having a baby was nothing like what Rey expected. Beyond the delivery room, beyond the pain and strain of it all, just  _ having a baby _ around wasn’t what she thought it would be. She’d read books--with little else to do while not working--and so had Rose and together they pooled their collective common sense and worked together to baby-proof their flat and get everything they needed.

Armie had pitched in some extra money too, buying her things off her Amazon wish list without her having to prod him. He still didn’t ask about the baby, but Rose did text him through Rey’s phone a day after the baby was born:

_ This is Rose, Rey’s friend. She wanted me to tell you she had the baby. It’s a girl and she named her Hazel. No photos though. You don’t deserve that. _

Probably not what Rey had in mind exactly, but at least Rose got the point across. And Hazel was...she was a tiny wrinkled prune of a thing like all newborns. She cried, like all newborns, but not as much or as loudly as Rey and Rose had feared after watching too many reality tv shows about babies.

They didn’t have an obscene amount of baby things in their flat, but they had enough. Blankets galore, nappies, bottles, soft toys, and a small crib that lived in Rey’s room. Rey was still as terrified as ever, holding this tiny squirming little person in her arms and wondering how the hell she was going to do this. Her mothering instincts didn’t kick in immediately. She wanted them to, but they didn’t, so she had to rely on what she’d read, what she  _ knew _ she had and should be doing.

Rose was a godsend. Auntie and godmother all in one, she was the one reason why Rey didn’t spend her days crumpled into a sobbing mess. Rey hardly slept or slept too much, woke up to crying, made baby formula that was usually too cold by the time it made it to Hazel’s tiny mouth and walked around the apartment aimlessly trying to get Hazel to sleep curled against her chest like all the books said she should do for bonding. Hazel was honestly the sweetest baby, only crying when she  _ really _ needed something, but having her there was a complete shift to Rey’s life and it happened all too fast.

It took almost a month for it to hit Rey. She was exhausted, wondering already when she could go back to work and then feeling guilty about that and drinking wine to drown her sorrows. She couldn’t get herself to talk to anyone but Rose, though she did send Jannah a baby photo and a well written thank you note through the post for allowing her to take leave so soon into her new job.

Hazel was supposed to be sleeping, but she was wriggling around in her crib, reaching her tiny hands up trying to reach the soft clouds on the mobile above her. Rey, once she downed a glass of wine, walked quietly into her bedroom. Hazel’s soft coos filled the space. Rose was still at work, the flat completely quiet except for the two of them.

Rey hovered over the crib, letting down her finger for Hazel to try to grab with her surprisingly strong little fingers. It wasn’t like Rey didn’t  _ love _ her daughter. She did. She could say the words and knew she meant them, but she didn’t feel the connection, the pull in her heart, that string that was meant to connect mother and daughter.

And she hated herself a little bit for it.

“Okay, you,” Rey said with a sigh, dipping her hands in and scooping up the baby, supporting her head and bringing her over to Rey’s bed. With a soft little blanket underneath, Rey lay Hazel down and then got onto the bed next to her, laying out, one arm under her head, and ran her eyes over the tiny person she had created. She looked less like a red wriggly worm now, though she had a tiny button nose with the perfect little slope and she was starting to want to grab things. Rey offered Hazel her finger again and the baby grabbed it, feet kicking, squeezing with her tiny hands.

“What are we gonna do about you, huh?” Rey continued, moving her hand around. Hazel held fast, gurgling and kicking, her big eyes focused on whatever blurry, shapeless thing she was seeing with her baby eyes. “Do you think I’ll be a good mum? I’ll try to be, but I’m just...I hardly had a good role model.”

Hazel said nothing, obviously, bringing Rey’s finger to her mouth.

Rey’s lips twitched into a small smile and she propped herself up on her elbow. “If it’s gonna be just you and me--” she paused, “--okay and Aunt Rose, we’re gonna have to make a deal.” She wiggled her finger out of Hazel’s grip and placed her hand on Hazel’s chest. She was so small, and Rey could feel her heart fluttering behind her palm. Hazel’s big blue baby eyes stared wondrously up at her. “You’re gonna have to be patient with me, I’m new at all this, okay? And I’ll be patient with you. I swear I’ll make sure you have everything you need, and you’ll never feel unloved.”

Hazel gazed at her and then broke into a gummy smile and squealed out a laugh. Was that her first laugh? Rey laughed in response though it was more of a sob than a laugh. And there it was….the tiny tug at her heart. Rey rubbed her thumb over Hazel’s tiny chest and kissed her soft baby hair. 

“Everything is gonna be okay,” Rey murmured, more for herself than anything.


	17. Year Two: September

**YEAR TWO: SEPTEMBER**

_Ben,_

_This is more of a note than a letter. Look at these flowers! Just a few more weeks of these before they start to die away. I needed to share them with you._

_Love, Rey_


	18. Year Two: November

**YEAR TWO: NOVEMBER**

* * *

Hazel was a great baby. Most days. She was fussier now, louder now, but mostly she didn’t cry and she slept when she was put down. But not today. She’d taken forever to get to sleep for her nap and Rey already knew she’d be up in five hours hungry again.

Rose was at Kaydel's--they were still waiting for an apartment to open up in their building so Kaydel could move closer. Kaydel was turning out to be a great godmother-in-law; she may have been anti-baby at first, but Hazel easily won her over and now Kaydel would gladly take the little one for a few hours to give Rey a break.

But Rey wasn’t going to have other people raise her child--at least not until she had to go back to work--so she was here, exhausted, sweaty and really, really needing to go to the gym. She had just filled a glass with water from the tap and downed it when her phone buzzed on the counter.

She walked over and looked at the screen. Ben? Her heart leapt up. She hadn’t really thought much about him lately with her whole world taken up by baby stuff, but now that she had a moment, she could feel dread spreading through her. Of course, she was also a little surprised since he was  _ calling _ and not texting. It was gonna cost her a fortune but she picked up the phone anyway, brows furrowed in confusion. “Hello?”

“Did you get pregnant, have a kid and somehow not tell me?”

A hard swallow. “Ben…”

“At first I thought it was Paige, but then I read Rose’s caption and it had your name there, Rey.”

She felt small and horrible inside and out. “Yes.” The word stuck in her throat. She cleared it. “Yes.”

“What the fuck Rey.” His voice was so soft it forced two hot tears down her cheeks. 

“I know...I know...I...I don't know what to say.” 

“Rey, you should have told me.”

“Why?”

“Why? Because I’m your friend!”

“And what would you have done?”

“I...I don’t know. Anything you needed.”

Rey smiled, small and sad, her hand curling around the edge of the counter, the edge cutting into her palm. “And that’s why I didn’t tell you. I couldn't have you mess up your life because of me.”

“Rey...god dammit. I could have helped.”

“How? Sending me money? Moving out here?”

“I don't know. Emotional support. If I'd known what was going on I could have done more.”

“I tried to tell you. I wanted to so many times but Ben, your life was already in an upheaval and I didn't want to make things worse.”

“Worse? Rey you lied to me. For...for…”

“A year,” she whispered, head drooping in shame. She squeezed her eyes shut and a few more tears fell down her cheeks. 

“A year! A whole fucking year!”

“Are you mad at me?”

“Yes! A little. Mostly I’m...we’re friends Rey, I told you everything. And you kept something so huge from me...how can I trust you not to do that again? Hell, how can I trust anything you say right now?”

“Ben...please. I didn't know what to do. I was really scared and all over the place. I tried telling you...”

Quiet. “I...I believe...I want to believe you, Rey, but…”

“Ben...Ben!” But the line rang dead. She held the phone in disbelief, staring at the dimming screen before her shoulders shook and she muffled her sobs with her hands so she didn't wake Hazel.

-

Ben was close to shaking, face cloudy when he stormed back into the office after his call with Rey. He honestly couldn’t place how he was feeling. Mad and hurt didn’t quite seem to cover it. Not only had Rey  _ lied _ to him but she had kept something  _ huge  _ from him. He could barely wrap his head around the fact that she had a child. He shook his head, throwing himself down into his seat and stabbing at his keyboard.

It didn’t take long for Snoke to sidle up, leaning on the open door frame of Ben’s new office. 

“Did the lunch truck lady spit in your burger, Solo?”

Ben’s glare was icy and he almost immediately regretted it. Snoke was still his superior and he had a lot of pull with the CEO. “Um...no, not exactly.” He ran a hand through his hair and tried to compose himself. 

Snoke walked into the office--it was tiny, barely big enough for Ben and his desk but it beat a cubicle--and put his hand on Ben’s shoulder. “C’mon, let’s go for a walk.”

“I just took my lunch break,” Ben protested. He  _ did _ have work to do.

“And I’m your boss,” Snoke tightened his hand.

Ben nodded, standing and slipping his phone in his pocket. Snoke patted him on the shoulder and they took the elevator up to the roof where there was a garden meant to alleviate stress for the workers inside. It was empty, everyone already back inside after lunch.

“So, this is about a girl,” Snoke pressed.

“You could say that,” Ben said, hands shoved into his pockets. He kept roaming around and Snoke stood square in the center. “She’s my best friend. We met in college and she moved back to England last year.”

“And you’re in love with this girl.”

Ben froze and then shook his head. “Not anymore,” he said, though he couldn’t stop the furrow of his brow from appearing. “I have a girlfriend.”

“Ah yes, of course. So what did this other girl do?”

“Rey,” Ben supplied her name so he could more easily talk to her. “She lied to me. She kept something from me for a year. And she’s my  _ best friend _ ,” he reiterated.

“What would she want to keep from you so badly?”

“She…” Ben hesitated. It  _ wasn’t _ a secret now that it was on the internet, but he still wasn’t sure if he should tell his  _ boss _ all of this. He’d been an emotional mess ever since the anniversary of Tai’s death and he was probably just overreacting… “It’s not my place to say. But it’s not something she couldn’t have just told me. I don’t know why she didn’t just tell me.” Ben dragged his hands through his hair roughly.

“Hmmm.” Snoke stroked the trimmed beard along his jawline.

“I don’t know if I can trust her after all this. I want to, but how can I?”

“Perhaps you did something to make her feel like she couldn’t trust  _ you _ .”

Ben blinked, frowned. He didn’t think so. But...he could have without knowing it. “Maybe...it still doesn’t make me feel better knowing she lied to me all that time.”

“Maybe she isn’t who you thought she was.”

“I know her pretty well,” Ben said automatically in defense.

“Perhaps not,” Snoke said, stroking his beard again. Then he tossed his hand up. “But what do I know? It seems like this has a lot of emotional layers, Benjamin.” He once again patted Ben on the shoulder. “If you need to talk about anything with me, you know where my office is.”

With a thin smile, Snoke left. Ben didn’t immediately follow, feeling somehow  _ worse _ now. 

* * *

_ (facebook messages) _

**REY:** Rose :((

**ROSE:** What’s wrong babe?

**REY:** That thing you said would happen...me lying to Ben? It finally came and bit me in the ass.

**ROSE:** Oh shit

**REY:** Yeah. He saw your post and called me out. Like CALLED ME on the phone and yelled at me.

**ROSE:** Shit Rey I’m sorry! I didn’t even think, you said it was okay!

**REY:** It was! It’s not your fault. I told you to post it. I’d just...I don’t know, I sort of forgot I hadn’t told him after everything with Hazel. 

**ROSE:** I’m sorry babe :( Are you okay?

**REY:** It was pretty rough. He said I’d lied to him for too long and he doesn’t trust me anymore.

**ROSE:** I won’t say what you did was right, but I’m still sorry, Rey. Maybe just give him some time?

**REY:** I will. I mean I’m going back to work next month. I’m gonna be so busy. I told Armie he could vet the nannies I’m looking at first even though he doesn’t want to meet Hazel. 

**ROSE:** I mean he is paying for the nanny.

**REY:** *sigh* I guess so. Look I need to...I don’t know, drink myself to sleep. See you tomorrow?

**ROSE:** Of course. I’ll bring home your favorite take-out.

**REY:** Thank you


	19. Year Two: December

** YEAR TWO: DECEMBER **

* * *

_ (text messages) _

**REY:** Hi Jannah! I’m so excited to get back to work this week. Thank you so much for keeping my position for me. I can’t wait to see all of our plant babies again.

**JANNAH:** I’m happy to have you back, Rey! The plants have missed you, as have I. I hope being away from your baby won’t be too hard on you. Let me know if you need anything, all right?

**REY:** I will! Thanks again for being the best boss ever. :)

* * *

_(text messages) (over the next few weeks)_

**REY:** I’m really sorry, Ben

**REY:** Please talk to me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Hazel.

**REY:** I never wanted to hurt you because of this, I was just being stupid.

**REY:** Merry Christmas Ben. I hope wherever you are, you’re happy.


	20. Year Three: January

**YEAR THREE: JANUARY**

_Ben,_

_I realize that you’re ignoring me right now and I understand. I really do. I royally fucked up and I hurt you. That was never my intention. I just wish you’d given me a chance to talk to you about it._

_Missing out on having you in my life was never something I thought I’d have to live through before now, but here we are. I’ve completely ostracized myself from you and I’m so sorry. I don’t know how many times I can say the words without them losing their meaning. But I am sorry, and I’m apologizing the only way I can. I just hope that you will open this letter and at least read what I have to say and not put it in the trash._

_I wouldn’t blame you if you did, but I’m sitting here, hoping that you won’t. I never thought I could miss someone as much as I miss you, Ben. I want to take it all back. I would tell you right away about Hazel. Missing you from my life isn’t worth my own fear and stupidity. I wish you were in my life right now. I wish you would meet Hazel and maybe love her a little bit. I know it’s close to a fantastical dream since I’m fairly certain you’ll never speak to me again, but I have to say it._

_I love you, Ben. You’re my best friend, the best person I know and I miss you. Please give me another chance._

_Love, Rey_

* * *

The letter was snatched up with the rest of his mail with long, black nails. Ben hadn’t wanted to check his mail for weeks, so he’d given her his key to check when she stopped by. She flipped through the mostly junk mail and bills and stopped at the hand written envelope. Pausing on the stairs, Bazine flipped it over, seeing the name and UK address on the top. 

Bazine knew who Rey was. Ben didn’t hide the fact that they were friends. If Ben even had friends anymore. He was so moody and broody lately she was tempted to break up with him, but he got so horny when he was trying to ignore his own brain so she allowed it. For a little while. In a few weeks perhaps, she’d persuade him to figure his shit out. But for now she’d take the long, hard evenings of fucking as recompense.

Still paused in the stairway, Bazine tucked the other mail under her arm and broke the seal on the letter from Rey. The paper was slightly wrinkled and pink and smelled like flowers. Her long, thin fingers unfolded the handwritten letter and read every word, her brain firing red flags all over the place. Ben hadn’t spoken to her much about Rey, only that she was a friend, but now Bazine had nothing but threads of things to piece together what  _ friend _ meant and she didn’t like it. This sounded...intimate, more real than whatever she and Ben had.

Pressing her perfectly matte lips together, Bazine read the letter a second time before she made up her mind. She put it back in the envelope and buried it deep in the bottom of her handbag before continuing up the stairs.


	21. Year Three: February

**YEAR THREE: FEBRUARY**

_ (text messages) _

**BEN:** Dameron

**POE:** Benjamin

**BEN:** I left what was left of your stuff in a box by the door. Leave your key when you come get it. I’ll be moving out at the end of the week and everything has to be gone.

**POE:** Fine. I hope you enjoy your tiny, posh studio apartment with your piece of trash girlfriend.

**BEN:** Fuck you Poe

**POE:** I said what I said.

* * *

_ (facebook messages) _

**POE:** Rose, sweetie, baby, hello

**ROSE:** ??? Hey Poe. What’s up? Finally get sick of all of your bf’s parties and thought to slum it with your college buds?

**POE:** If only. Nah. Ben and I split.

**ROSE:** Are you serious?

**POE:** Yeah...he’s been a heinous demon lately.

**ROSE:** Ben Solo? Adorable, fluffy, cries-at-every-kids-movie-pets-every-dog-he-sees Ben Solo? A demon?

**POE:** The very same. I think it’s mostly my fault.

**ROSE:** How on earth?

**POE:** I introduced him to his gf. Thought she was cool but she’s uh….also demonic. Pretty sure she’s bad for him, like mentally.

**ROSE:** Then why did you LEAVE?

**POE:** Look he’s a grown man and I’m not gonna get into a fist-fight with him because his girlfriend is encouraging him to be destructive and stay in his depressive slump.

**ROSE:** Jesus Poe. You really shouldn’t leave him like that.

**POE:** I’m not leaving him entirely. I’m moving in with Finn. I’m still in Boston. I’ll keep tabs on him.

**ROSE:** I think...Rey has something to do with how he’s been.

**POE:** Right...the baby thing. Wow.

**ROSE:** Yeah :/ It’s been complicated. Rey’s pretending she’s fine, but I can tell she’s not…

**POE:** I mean...a baby? Really?

**ROSE:** It happens, Poe. Has been happening for thousands of years.

**POE:** It’s still a lot to wrap my head around. But she really didn’t tell Ben?

**ROSE:** Nope, she tried but she never did. I wish I had just told him myself. Ugh.

**POE:** Damn...can’t change the past, can we?

**ROSE:** Unfortunately. But um...moving in with Finn huh? Big deal!

**POE:** A little bit of a big deal. I mean...he may be the one, y’know? I didn’t want to fuck it up.

**ROSE:** Yeah I understand. Kaydel and I are also...well things are complicated with Rey and Hazel, but Kaydel and I are good. She’s trying to move into my apartment building. I think she’s got a chance next month if she gets her application in on time. I really want her to live close to me. Well, I want to live WITH her but I need to stay with Rey for a while.

**POE:** I get it. I’m pissed now, but Ben’s still Ben. I’ll try to keep an eye on him.

**ROSE:** Good. God, what happened to us? Two years out of school and we’re barely keeping our friends together.

**POE:** Life does it’s own thing I guess.


	22. Year Three: March

**YEAR THREE: MARCH**

_(you can click to make the images bigger to read the text if you need to)_


	23. Year Three: April

**YEAR THREE: APRIL**

TO: Benjamin Solo <bensolo@fo.co>  
FROM: Andrew Snoke <andrewsnoke@fo.co>  
SUBJECT: UK Business Trip

Mr. Solo,

You have been selected as one of five to travel to liaison with our UK First Order office in three weeks time. Your schedule and workload has been cleared for the four day trip.

You were chosen thanks to your hard work and dedication the last year and a half. You’re being sent for your keen observational skills and your ability to find inaccuracies. Keep a close eye on shared funds and upcoming indentures. 

Keep them on their toes over there. Mistakes and failures are not acceptable.

Enjoy your trip,

Andrew Snoke  
First Order, INC  
Chief Executive Statistical Analyst Supervisor


	24. Year Three: May

**YEAR THREE: MAY**

Ben had been in this conference for twelve hours and he was going to go  _ insane _ . There were piles of takeout--breakfast, lunch  _ and _ dinners--and ten people, long past the point of caring. Suit jackets and ties were off, their vocabulary had slipped into informal tones as they headed toward the end of this whole thing.

Yesterday was better. It had still been twelve hours stuffed into this conference room going over stats, files and forms, but everyone had been fresh faced and the UK side had implemented that polite etiquette they were known for. 

But now? Now, Ben could do without ever hearing the words “budget” “silo” or “graph” in any British accent ever again. They were almost done, he kept telling himself, as they dove into the last mode of business: personal salaries.

“And why did you request this  _ substantial _ raise last year?” Pryde asked, his question turned toward one Armitage Hux. The man in question was paler than Ben. “We gave it to you for three years of impeccable service, Hux, but your personal reasons should be noted to validate the change.”

Hux looked like he wanted to be there as much as Ben did. Not at all. “I…” he glanced around the boardroom and cleared his throat. “It’s for child support.”

Pryde’s eyebrows raised. “Child support?”

“It’s not official, through the courts. I’m just trying to be a good bloke.”

“You have a kid?” Ben asked.  _ Jesus _ , people his age were popping out kids left and right. He shifted in his seat.

“Not by choice,” Hux replied, tapping a pen against the table. “It was just a drunken thing and...well, I’m not going to leave them high and dry. At least not until Rey can take care of things herself.”

Ben nodded along, listening but not, until he heard the name  _ Rey _ . His attention snapped toward Hux. Ben, as he and everyone who knew him, was aware, he was very, very observant. He remembered everything and his brain was very good at putting things together.

It took him about fifteen seconds to think about “Rey” and “ _ Getting my ass drunk and sleeping with Irish pricks _ ” and the  _ timing  _ on Hux’s raise request to figure it out.

“Are you Irish?” he blurted out, interrupting whatever next thing was being discussed.

Armie narrowed his eyes at Ben. “Um...yes. Is that a problem?”

“No,” Ben said, chest suddenly tight. His mind turned into a whirlwind, everything hitting him at once. His breathing got faster, louder and he couldn’t hear anything for the rush of blood to his ears.

“You okay?” someone asked, words directed at Ben.

“Yeah.” He nodded, blinking and gathering up his files into some order. “Are we done?”

“Just about,” Pryde replied with a sigh rubbing his face with his hands. “Is there someplace you need to be, Solo?”

“Yes, actually,” Ben said, standing up, his legs still from sitting. He yanked on his suit jacket and shoved his tie in his pants pocket. 

“Okay then.” Pryde tossed his hands up. “Meeting adjourned. Minutes will be sent out. Everything is in order.”

Ben didn’t stick around to hear anything else. He shot out of the door like a cannon and rushed down to the elevator. The tired haze of his brain dispersed instantly as he stood there, foot tapping, cursing England for being so  _ slow _ .

The doors opened and he paused only to get his trench coat from the front desk before he headed toward the curb. He was in  _ the same city _ and hadn’t even thought about visiting. Or maybe he had but he’d then forced that down, piling on reasons  _ not to _ . He felt like an absolute  _ fucking _ coward and he quickly pulled out his phone to check the time. Almost eight at night. He didn’t want to waste time calling. He had her address memorized after years of letters anyway...

-

“Oh my god!” Rose’s screech tore through the apartment. Rey flinched, but Hazel didn’t scream in turn, happy to sit in her little baby seat rocker on the counter, reaching for the toys dangling from the rod across the top. 

Rey turned to see Rose pull a large, tall man into a hug and her stomach flipped. She made sure Hazel wouldn’t flail herself off the counter before she walked around, steeling herself.

“Good to see you too, Rose,” Ben choked out around Rose’s death grip.

Rey, the old Rey, would have smiled and laughed and pounced on him too, but this new Rey was wary and she stood back, waiting.

“Oh my god, what are you doing here, Ben?” Rose said finally, giving him one last squeeze and letting him breathe.

“I was...I’m on a business trip. It seemed a shame to waste it without seeing you two.” At the word  _ two _ his eyes slid to Rey. He looked as cautious and confused as she did. “Hey, Rey.”

“Oh,” her eyebrows shot up, anger boiling in her belly. “We’re talking now?”

Rose sucked in a breath through her teeth. “Um...you two...yeah, I’m just gonna go to Kaydel’s.” Rose hovered for a moment. “Do you want me to take Hazel?”

Rey didn’t take her eyes off Ben. She thought about keeping her daughter here, to force him to see how much her life had changed and maybe then he would realize why she had been scared to face it, much less tell  _ him _ , but if this got into a screaming match she didn’t want Hazel there. “Yes, please,” she said finally, breaking eye contact with Ben to make sure there was enough stuff in a bag for Rose as Rose grabbed Hazel from her seat. She protested just a little but then wrapped her little hands in Rose’s long hair. Rose and baby disappeared, the door clicking shut behind her, leaving Ben and Rey in silence.

Her place was chaotic, baby clothes and toys everywhere amid the garden of plants. It wasn’t as messy as some and it wasn’t  _ dirty _ , just cluttered.

“So you’re here,” Rey said finally, leaning up against the counter. She crossed her arms, thankful she was wearing a big sweater because she hadn’t had enough time to get her body back in shape since having Hazel and she still looked like a lumpy disaster under her clothes. “Did you get my letter?”

“Letter?”

Rey frowned. She sent it months ago; perhaps it got lost in the back of a post office, never to be seen again. Maybe it was for the best. She had said a lot of things there that she couldn’t take back. “I sent...I sent a letter explaining...it’s fine. Whatever.” She leveled her eyes at him and waited for him to say something.

Ben didn’t seem fazed by the mess of her flat, his eyes moving over everything. He ran his hand through his hair, a nervous habit, and then set his eyes on her. “I realize that I’ve been somewhat unreasonable toward you.”

Rey scoffed. “Yeah a little. You didn’t even give me a chance to explain myself or try to get you to trust me again.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Are you going to let me explain now?”

Ben sighed with his whole body, eyes closed, hands in his pockets, leaving his shoulders hunched like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. “Yes. Of course, Rey.” His eyes opened. “That’s why I’m here.”

“Good.” She nodded, staying where she was. She waited for more, but he just stood there and she just stood there so she eventually let out a puff of air to push some flyaway hair away from her eyes and decided to just dig in. “I did want to tell you. I didn’t want to admit that I was stupid and got knocked up, but I wanted to tell you because I knew you wouldn’t judge me. And I really should have. But the beginning was...weird, like I completely disconnected myself from what was going on with my body. I wasn’t even sure I was going to keep her for a while. And I kept giving myself excuses. Like, ‘oh if I’m not going to keep her, why tell anyone?’ and then it got to the point where I...I knew this would happen. That I would tell you six months in and you’d be upset that I didn’t tell you as soon as I found out. And I’m sorry. I really...I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. I almost told you,” she added again, insisting that she wasn’t just saying this to get on his good side again. 

Ben’s eyebrows slowly drew inward in a furrow, his eyes darkening in the dim evening light.

Rey pressed on. Her anger had sputtered away, dying like the last ember in a fire. She was close to desperation now, because he was  _ right _ in front of her and she had a chance to have him in her life again. “I meant what I said over the phone, if you remember.”

“Not really. I was pretty pissed.”

“I said that I knew you,  _ know _ you. I know what you would have done if I told you.” She took a tiny step forward, uncrossing her arms and pressing her palms together in his direction. “You’re so good Ben. You’re so sweet and caring and kind and you would have seen how I was struggling and you would have wanted to fix it. Hell, I would have wanted you to fix it. And I know how far you would have gone.”

He swallowed, Adam’s apple bobbing up his throat, nerves tingling at the surface because as he thought about it, she was  _ right _ .

“And I couldn’t let you mess up your life for me. You’re just getting started.” Rey took a deep breath, hands falling to her sides. “It was wrong of me not to tell you. If I could go back and change things, I would. I’d tell you the instant I’d gotten back from the first doctor’s appointment and all I could do was cry and eat ice cream. And...god that makes me sound like I’m ungrateful, and I’m not. I love Hazel and she’s fitting into my life just fine but it’s not what I planned. And at the beginning I was just…”

“Scared,” Ben supplied softly.

Rey nodded. “Yeah. And...I’ve felt so shitty the past few months. Pissed and annoyed at myself and sad because you weren’t talking to me. I fucked up, and I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you or break your trust, Ben.”

Ben processed everything. It was almost too much, being here in front of her. He felt... _ everything _ . The realization that his life had been dimmer these past months without her in it. The fact that while she lied, she had good reason. She  _ told him _ and he chose to ignore it without ever thinking of what was going on for Rey throughout all of this. Everything piled up and piled up and he felt ready to break.

“I...I understand,” he finally got out. “And I’ve been a total ass ignoring you. I...I don’t know what the fuck got into me. We can’t change the past but I...I really want you in my life again, Rey.”

The relief that washed over Rey was like an ocean wave. A smile graced her face and tears twinkled in the corners of her eyes. “Really?”

“Yeah. Of course. I miss you.” He smiled too, weary and a little tired. “I um...just one question.”

“Yeah, anything.”

“Did I...did I do something to make you not trust me enough to tell me about...Hazel?” His smile turned into a frown.

Rey’s brow furrowed in confusion. “No...no, Ben, it wasn’t anything you did. It was just me getting in the way of myself. Why? Did you think that?”

“I don’t know.” His eyes shifted to the ground, at her stockinged feet against the dark floor. “It’s just something my boss mentioned…”

“You ask your  _ corporate  _ boss for personal advice?” Rey raised her eyebrows. She hoped she didn’t sound accusatory, it just sounded a little absurd.

Ben dragged his hand through his hair again. “Forget about it. It doesn’t matter.”

“Ben…” she stepped closer, concern etched on her face. “Are you okay? You look...very worn out.”

“I did just spend twelve hours in a boardroom,” Ben admitted, trying to smile. That  _ was _ true, but he had also been growing more and more exhausted for  _ months _ now.

Rey wrinkled her nose. “That sounds horrible.”

“It was. And the same thing yesterday. Did you know that your uh...Hazel’s father also works for the First Order?”

Rey’s eyes grew as wide as saucers. “Oh fuck. Are you serious? You met him? Wait...how do you know?”

“Armitage Hux, right? Weird name. He let something slip and I put together the pieces.”

“Ugh.” Rey buried her face in her hands. “He’s...I mean he’s been helping me out financially but he doesn’t want anything to do with Hazel. Which is fine I guess. It’s not like I want to raise a child with someone I don’t know.”

“I um...I’m still getting used to that.”

Rey dropped her hands. “It’s weird, right? I have a  _ daughter _ .”

“Yeah. I’d like to meet her. I mean, if you want me to.”

Her face brightened. “Yes! I mean...yes. She doesn’t do very much except hold onto your hands really tight and sleep a lot but I think I can arrange that.” She paused, tilting her head back to look at his face. He looked so tired, she just wanted to drag him to bed to tuck in and maybe run her hands through his hair until he fell asleep. “So can I hug you now? I haven’t had one of your hugs in two years now.”

Ben smiled and looked a little bit like himself, opening up his arms. Rey stepped forward, snuggling in, wrapping her arms around him under his coat and squeezing her eyes shut. His arms settled around her, tight, but not-too-tight. She sighed and nuzzled her cheek against his chest. She had  _ missed this _ , missed  _ him _ so much that she almost started to cry. Almost.

“Hey, Ben?” she said softly after a few minutes of cuddles.

“Yeah?”

“Can we just stay like this forever?”

He swallowed. “Um...yes?”

“I just mean…” She stood back, hands resting at his waist. His own engulfed her ribs. “Can we please go back to being friends? I can’t...I can’t think about not having you in my life any more.”

He smiled, just a tiny bit. “Absolutely. I regret the last few months but...we can make up for it.”

“Good.” She lurched forward and squeezed him tightly one last time. “Okay, so you look  _ exhausted _ . Do you want to sleep here?”

“I...I have a perfectly good hotel room,” Ben said unconvincingly. 

Rey stood back, hands on her hips. “Well Hazel will hopefully be asleep when Rose comes back so you’ll have to wait until morning to meet her.”

“You run a hard bargain.”

“Was there a bargain in there?” Rey teased. “Come on, we have an enormous couch for this very reason.”

“For if I show up on your doorstep randomly at nine pm?”

“Exactly.” Rey still felt a little shaken, a little fluttery around the heart, but Ben was  _ here _ and he still wanted to be in her life and that was all she’d ever wanted.

Twenty minutes later, Ben had been stripped down to his undershirt and underwear and given a spare toothbrush. Rey texted Rose to bring Hazel back up and put some pillows and a blanket on the couch. She pushed open the windows to let in some cool air. They were on the top floor and heat rose, so their flat was always a little too warm.

“It’s gonna be weird to have a 3C-er rooming with the 3B’s,” Rey mused leaning against the bathroom doorjam as Ben rinsed off his borrowed toothbrush. 

“Cross pollination,” he replied with a chuckle, leaving the toothbrush balanced on the sink. 

Rey snorted. “Ha. Nice one.” She backed out of the doorway and let Ben out, just as Rose returned, juggling baby and bag and the stuffed animal Hazel wouldn’t let go of even passed out.

Rey hurried over to grab her daughter, holding her against her shoulder and tucking her favorite bear under her arm. “So, this is Hazel,” Rey whispered to Ben. “This is probably the least chaotic you’ll ever see her.”

Ben looked at the little girl in Rey’s arms and smiled. “I wonder where she gets her chaos from.”

As Rey shuffled to her room to put Hazel down, Rose put her hands on her hips and looked Ben up and down. “Weren’t you wearing more clothes when I left? Should I be concerned?”

“Rey convinced me to sleep here. Is that okay?”

Rose rolled her eyes and nodded. “Yeah. It’s great to see you, Ben.” She squeezed his arm. “I’m just gonna go...I have work tomorrow.” She disappeared first into the bathroom then into her own room by the time Rey returned.

Ben sat on the couch, typing on his phone.

Rey cautiously came up next to him. “Bazine?” she said, reading over his shoulder. To be fair, she only read the contact name before she looked away.

“Yeah. Just letting her know I’ll be back tomorrow.” He sent off the text then put his phone on his pile of folded clothes on the coffee table.

“Such a short trip.” There was no hiding her disappointment.

“Unfortunately. I have some leave and I can take it and come visit you for real next time.” He tilted his head back to look up at her; a rare feat.

Rey studied his face. “Are you okay? I mean...aside from our tumultuous friendship, you seem...different.”

Ben sighed and dragged his hands over his face. “I’m...not. Okay, I mean. I’m...struggling. I’ve kind of been stuck in a rut ever since the anniversary of Tai’s death...one year was worse for me than when it actually happened. I’ve been all over the fucking place. Probably had some impact on why I stopped talking to you.” He dropped his hands, and looked at her, his eyes filled with...something she couldn’t quite place. Something soft and dark and needy all rolled into one. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh,  _ Ben _ .” Rey’s brow furrowed in sympathy. “I wish you had talked to me. I could have helped.” She shifted to stand in front of him. “Can we promise each other something?”

“Yes.”

“Can we go back to telling each other everything? No more keeping secrets. I don’t want to go through losing you again.” She laid her hand on his shoulder.

“Okay,” Ben agreed, eyes glossy with tears of relief, of  _ someone _ finally looking in on him and seeing that he wasn’t fine without him having to claw his way to their attention, begging for help.

She smiled a smile just for him. “Good. And if I can say one thing, maybe you should talk to a professional when you get back home. I’m not a therapist and I don’t want you to slip too far away.”

“You’re right. I mean...I should have a long time ago. I should have listened to Poe.”

“What happened with Poe?”

“We split. Got in some pretty heated fights and we both moved out.”

“Shit.” Rey squeezed his shoulder. “I missed a lot. Tell me over breakfast?”

He nodded in agreement. Rey hesitated, sucking in a tiny breath before she gently cupped the side of his face and kissed his forehead before moving away. She didn’t want to do anything  _ stupid _ .

* * *

_ (text messages) _

**REY:** Please tell me that you got into that cab?

**BEN:** I did! Barely, but I made it.

**REY:** Sorry breakfast ran long.

**BEN:** It’s fine. I missed talking to you. And being in the same room as you was a luxury.

**REY:** 😝I bet you really enjoyed Hazel spitting up all over me. That was joyous. It’s our morning ritual.

**BEN:** Okay that was a little gross but she’s cute otherwise. I would expect nothing less from a daughter of yours. Definitely worth almost missing my flight.

**REY:** You better not! I’d feel horrible 👀 

**BEN:** I told you, I’ll be back. Sooner rather than later, for a real visit. And we have letters. And facebook. And Skype.

**REY:** That is true. I think we should give Skype it’s money’s worth.

**BEN:** Isn’t it free?

**REY:** Not the point, Benjamin!

**REY:** But in all seriousness, I really liked seeing you. Thank you for coming over. I literally can not thank you enough for letting me explain myself to you. And for you to believe me and trust me again.

**BEN:** I do. I should have always believed you but work got me distracted and I was all over the fucking place. Fuck, I really should have been going to therapy for like years.

**REY:** Better late than never. Let me know when you land, okay? I have to head off to the gardens.

**BEN:** I will.

**REY:** 💛

* * *

_Rey,_

_Getting right back into this so there’s no excuses I can make for having you wait another few months for a letter. I make no promises that my writing skills have endured through months of underuse._

_I really can’t explain how good it was to see you. I’m sorry it took me so long to pull my head out of my ass and realize that life gets complicated and not everything can be so easily put into words. I can just thank you for telling me how you were feeling and for letting me meet Hazel._

_I haven’t met with a therapist yet, but I probably would have once you get this letter. Thank you for mentioning it...I think I just needed someone to tell me it was okay to do. I can’t really explain it._

_My promise to come visit you will definitely happen, but it may be a little while longer until I can make it a reality. There’s some mergers going on at work and I’ll be needed in the office more than ever. But I am holding you to those Skype calls, and you can message me anytime you need me._

_-Ben_


	25. Year Three: June

**YEAR THREE: JUNE**

_(facebook messages)_

**REY:** So I took Hazel out to Kyoto Garden today. She almost toppled into a fishpond but I’m super mom and I saved her just in time.

 **BEN:** Does she walk? I don’t remember her walking.

 **REY:** She tries to, especially if I’m holding her hands to help her. She does not yet have her fine motor skills to not trip. But like I said...saved her!

 **BEN:** That’s all that counts.

 **REY:** I think so. Have you been liking your therapist?

 **BEN:** I’m not sure if liking is the right word. I mean, she’s great, but I feel equally good and bad after every visit. Which is normal but it still sucks.

 **REY:** 🤗 It will get easier. Is it helping at least?

 **BEN:** I think so. I’ve been actually trying to figure out ways to tackle all the shit I’ve messed up over the last six months.

 **REY:** Oh! Are you talking to Poe?

 **BEN:** I’m trying to figure out a way to.

 **REY:** Literally just text him. He’s your friend, I’m sure he’ll understand if you just talk to him. We should know this from experience that just reaching out and listening is the best thing you can do right now.

 **BEN:** You’re right. Thank you, Rey.

 **REY:** 😊

* * *

_(text messages)_

**ROSE:** Can you pick up some more milk on your way home?

 **REY:** Yep! How is Hazel? Sorry I stuck her with you. Larma had to go to her wife’s gallery showing which for some reason is in the middle of the day?

 **ROSE:** She’s great! We’ve been keeping busy. Went for a walk, met a dog, took a bath, all good things. 

**REY:** Thank you!

 **ROSE:** And while I have you…

 **REY:** Yes?? 👀

 **ROSE:** I wanted to talk to you about moving out. I mean, I want to move in with Kaydel. We’d just be on the floor below you! I’d still watch Hazel whenever you needed me to, but I really want to take this next step with Kay.

 **REY:** ROSE! I want you to take that next step too! I’ve been so appreciative of you staying with me but now that I have a nanny and Larma is *great*, you more than deserve to do something that you want to do. Please, please move in with your girlfriend. All I want is for you to be happy. 💗

 **ROSE:** 😭😭 You really mean that?

 **REY:** YES! I don’t want you to put your life on hold any longer for me. I love you and I need you to be happy. Okay?

 **ROSE:** 😭😭Okay. I haven’t been unhappy, but this will just make me more happy. I’ll miss waking with you and Hazel every day but I want this.

 **REY:** And we’ll still be here. You deserve everything in the world, Rose. I mean it.

 **ROSE:** Crying now. 

**REY:** Me too. I’m a sight on the tube. 

**REY:** I’ll still get milk though.

 **ROSE:** 😂 thanks! 

* * *

_(facebook messages)_

**BEN:** I feel like I should know this but...when is Hazel’s birthday?

 **REY:** 😅 July 9th!

 **REY:** Wait...what are you going to do?

 **BEN:** If you didn’t want me to buy her presents you should not have let me meet her. I cannot say not to those eyes. Even from across the ocean.

 **REY:** Bennnnnn, you don’t have to.

 **BEN:** I want to.

 **REY:** She’s a baby, she doesn’t need anything.

 **BEN:** I’m not going to buy her something she won’t use. I mean...she can’t use it really but you can, so it’s a win/win. You get a secondary pre-birthday gift.

 **REY:** Does that mean you’re getting me a gift too? 👀

 **BEN:** 🤐 

**REY:** I don’t even know what kind of gift-giver you are! We were all too poor to give gifts in college. Should I be scared?

 **BEN:** No. You know me.

 **REY:** I do. I’m sure they’ll be great. 

* * *

_(text messages)_

**BEN:** Hey Poe

 **POE:** Oh what’s that….I think I hear….something?? Or was it just the wind?

 **BEN:** Look, I’m sorry. I was totally out of line and you were totally right. 

**POE:** Better…listening...

 **BEN:** I talked with Rey. Actually saw her over in London. And she made me realize that I need to get my shit together. And I’ve been seeing a therapist and the first thing they want me to do is get back in touch with my friends. So here I am. I hope we can work through this.

 **POE:** I think that’s the longest text you’ve ever sent me.

 **POE:** And yeah. I mean, I’ve always been your friend, Ben. I left because I didn’t want to fuck things up between us too much to fix once you got your shit in order. And I’m sorry too, for not trying to help you more.

 **BEN:** It’s okay. I wasn’t really in the mood to accept help. But I am now. You wanna meet at the pub sometime this week?

 **POE:** Yeah, I think I can manage that.

 **BEN:** Cool. I can make Thursday work.

 **POE:** Yep. I’ll see you then, Ben.

 **POE:** Thanks for y’know reaching out and all that

* * *

_Ben,_

_It feels so good to write to you again. I hope you know that. I think you do. As much as I love England, a part of me still misses Boston. I had a dream the other night that I went there with Hazel. She liked it. I think you were there too but you know I have a hard time remembering my dreams._

_Work keeps getting bigger and better. I may, sadly, be moving on from my little greenhouses with Jannah Calrissian, but I think she and I may become friends when she’s no longer my boss. I’m excited to move on and experience something new. I want to be able to afford enough things in life to make sure Hazel has everything she needs...plus I just really want to keep doing what I’m doing. It’s such a small thing in the grand scheme of this whole wide world, but it makes me happy and flowers make many other people smile so I’m going to keep doing it._

_We’ll have talked more by the time you get this letter, but I must say that I can’t wait to Skype with you and see your face again. There’s a certain kind of something special about being able to see someone who’s so far away across the ocean._

_Love, Rey_

* * *

It was night, of course, late into the wee hours of the morning and Rey didn’t care. She didn’t have to worry about keeping Rose up, and Hazel was asleep, her crib now moved into Rose’s old room.

Rey curled up on the couch, her laptop in her lap, wine glass in hand. She and Ben had been chatting about nonsense for at least half an hour now. Rey kept expecting his girlfriend to walk behind him or jump in but she never did, so Rey asked about it.

Ben blinked. “I broke up with Bazine. Like um two days go.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah. I uh...well, she was really only in it for the sex and honestly I was okay with that for a while.”

“Sex is pretty great. I miss it,” Rey mused, chuckling into her wine.

Ben blinked widely at her through the monitor and then chuckled to cover up his deer-in-headlights look.

“I mean, I would love to not get knocked up again but…” Rey frowned. “Which makes me sound like I don’t love Hazel, which I do, I just…”

“I’m not gonna judge you,” Ben said hastily. “And I was going to tell you we broke up, I just didn’t want to start this call with such a low subject. But honestly...I’m glad she’s gone. Her stuff is still here but she’s gonna pick it up and I’ll...well I’ll be alone but I think that will be okay for a little while.”

“Being alone is strange. Rose has only been gone for two weeks but it still feels like she’s here. Which I realize is a lot different than you and Bazine but…”

“Rey,” Ben interrupted her. “I get what you’re saying. It’s okay. I’m better off without her, honestly. She was...not great for me.”

Rey tried very hard not to feel angry about Ben being stuck in a relationship that was anything but good for him; her heart just about ached at the thought because he deserved so much more. Her feelings for Ben were a complicated knot and she’d been shoving them down into a corner for a year now and she didn’t know how to tackle them. She didn’t even know what _his_ feelings were and she had a lot more baggage than anyone would probably want in a relationship anyway...and why was she thinking about a _relationship_ right now?

Shaking her head, she sipped more wine. “I’m glad you and Poe made up. I want to be that quartet who knows each other our whole lives. We’ll be in our eighties, sending holograms or something to each other.”

“VR visiting,” Ben offered. “It’ll make us all look like we do now so we can ignore the fact that we’re old as sin.”

Rey snickered and Ben’s fuzzy laugh filtered over her laptop speakers. Rey curled her glass to her chest and tried very hard not to look at Ben too much like she was in love with him. She wasn’t entirely sure that she was...they’d been friends for so long, the kind of instant companionship that only college could bring, and she didn’t know how to get past that or how to separate her new feelings from whatever she felt for those years in Boston…

“I wish you were here,” she heard herself saying, voice soft and sleepy. It _was_ well past two in the morning. Could she blame tiredness for her boldness? Perhaps.

On his side, Ben shifted at his table, crossing his arms and leaning toward the camera. He already looked so much better than he had when he showed up at her flat. There was life in his eyes and the tension through his whole body was gone, whatever burdens had been weighing down on him had been eased, if not completely lifted. “I won’t lie, I have thought of transferring.”

Her heart jumped. “Transferring?”

“Yeah. Obviously the FO has an office in London, that’s why I was there.”

Rey’s brow furrowed as her stomach twisted, pushing down anything close to excitement. Not now, she couldn’t handle that only to be disappointed if he stayed in Boston. “Oh. Would you really do that?”

Ben searched the screen, her slightly pixelated face, waiting for her to...to what? To ask him to move out there? She had no obligation to say anything like that. “I don’t know. It’s a possibility. My boss...my boss here is not good.”

“What do you mean?”

“My therapist has literally crashed through all my shit like the fucking Kool-Aid Man--” Ben paused as Rey tried to stifle her laughter, “and made me realize that Snoke has been just as bad for me as Bazine. He pretends to be my friend and to support me but he’s been fucking with me for a while. I...I think I need to be somewhere else. I don’t want to leave the FO since I’ve finally gotten some traction but I don’t want to work under him any more.”

Rey took a deep breath, finished off her wine and then leaned forward, squishing her shirt to the camera in a not-so-flattering way to set it down on the coffee table before sitting back. “You know what I would say,” she tread softly.

“Do I? I thought we promised to say things clearly to each other from now on.”

He was going to _kill_ her. Rey crossed her legs and set her laptop in the space she created. “I’d love for you to move here Ben. I can selfishly say that it would be the greatest thing in my life to have you nearby.”

“Rey?”

“Yeah, Ben?”

“I don’t want to say this in light of um...just breaking up with Bazine or anything but I should tell you, if...if we’re being honest.”

Rey’s lovely eyes widened just slightly and she’d be lying if she said her heart didn’t start beating a little faster. But then, as the universe was wont to keep interrupting her life, Hazel started crying. And it was not one of her cries at being alone in a room, it was a _feed me_ cry.

“Shit, Ben,” Rey interrupted the half-spoken word Ben was saying. “I have to go get Hazel. And it’s really late. Can we do this some other night?”

Ben, blessed soft and sweet and caring Ben, didn’t sigh in disappointment. He nodded. “Oh yeah, yeah that’s fine. Baby comes first, right?”

“That is basically my life now.” Rey set the laptop on the couch next to her. “Goodnight Ben.” She smiled, pressing her index and middle fingers to her lips and then waving the faux kiss at him through the camera before clicking the end video call button.


	26. Year Three: July

**YEAR THREE: JULY**

_ (text messages) _

**ARMIE:** Rey, I have something to tell you.

**REY:** What is it?

**ARMIE:** I’m moving. To Scotland.

**REY:** Um...really? Wow okay. Thanks for telling me I guess?

**ARMIE:** I just wanted to let you know that in case something happened and you tried looking for me.

**REY:** I won’t go looking for you, Armie. You’ve made it pretty clear. And Hazel and I are doing fine. I’m starting a new job and I’ll be making enough to not need your help. So you can just...go about your life and forget all about us now. I mean that like...legitimately nicely. It’s what you’ve wanted so go about your life.

**ARMIE:** I didn’t want to disappear completely without telling you is all

**REY:** Thanks. You’ve been actually better about this than expected. Is this the part where I say “Have a nice life” and we’re done?

**ARMIE:** I think that would do it.

**REY:** Have a nice life, Armie. Thank you for your financial support while it lasted.

**ARMIE:** Bye Rey.

* * *

_(rey gets some packages; including mrs. peanuckle's flower alphabet among other board books)_

_Rey & Hazel - I hope Hazel likes books as much as you do. And happy early birthday Rey. I figured I would just send them together. _

_-Ben_

* * *

_ (text messages) _

**REY:** Ben oh my god

**BEN:** What? Did something happen?

**REY:** YES! I got your package.

**REY:** Did you really buy me those necklaces? Was that a mistake?

**REY:** Also thank you for Hazel’s books, they’re so cute. She loves them. Immediately started nibbling the Echinacea page.

**BEN:** I’m glad she likes them, I wasn’t sure if you were going to hate my choice in a flower theme but I know how much you love them.

**BEN:** And the necklaces are not a mistake. There’s three because they came as a set and I couldn’t choose just one. Either way, I wanted to buy you something worthy of your beauty.

**REY:** Benjamin Solo, once again with making me cry. They’re lovely. Thank you.

**BEN:** I had to make up for the past few birthdays.

**REY:** You didn’t have to make up for anything. Having you in my life is gift enough. Which sounds like a line from Hallmark but I swear it’s true.

**BEN:** Having you in my life is a gift too, but since it’s your birthday coming up I figured I would send an actual gift.

**REY:** Thank you. They’re lovely, so lovely. How expensive were they?

**BEN:** I’m not answering that!

**REY:** We promised to tell each other everything, Ben.

**BEN:** Not this. Rey, just accept the gift. You deserve it.

**REY:** okay, this is me accepting it. 💛💛💛

* * *


	27. Year Three: August

** YEAR THREE: AUGUST **

_ (text messages)  _

**REY:** Ben! I took Hazel out of the city to pet some sheep today. And I neglected to get any photos of my daughter but I did get photos of flowers! Does that make me a bad mum?

**BEN:** It does not. I’m sure Rose and Kaydel take enough photos of her that you’ll hardly be missing a single day of her life without photographic evidence.

**REY:** You’re right. The flowers were lovely. 

**REY:** [photo sent]

**BEN:** Very pretty.

**REY:** Are you okay?

**BEN:** I’m okay. I uh...I found your letter. From after Christmas.

**REY:** Found it?

**BEN:** I think Bazine must have gotten it when she was checking my mail and read it. I found it shoved in the back of our...my closet.

**REY:** Oh...so you really didn’t ever get it?

**BEN:** I did not. 

**REY:** Well...um, you don’t need to worry about reading that now since I said all those things already to you.

**BEN:** I’m sorry I didn’t. I would have probably talked to you sooner.

**REY:** It’s all in the past, Ben.

**BEN:** Rey…

**BEN:** I need to finish telling you what I was going to say the last time we were on Skype. Can we talk soon?

**REY:** Yes. Let me just check my schedule, okay?

**BEN:** Okay.

* * *

_ (text messages) _

**REY:** I feel like I’m about to throw up.

**ROSE:** Um….gross? What’s wrong?

**REY:** BEN

**ROSE:** Oh boy

**REY:** He said...okay remember when I told you he was about to tell me something “because we were being honest” the last time we skyped?

**ROSE:** I do. I remember you also crying into a tub of ice cream because you’re a mess and you can’t figure out if your feelings for Ben are platonic or not.

**REY:** Don’t judge me, this is...unorthodox. I've never been friends with any guy I then had a relationship with.

**ROSE:** Good point. So...what is this time?

**REY:** We’re going to finish that conversation. Tonight.

**ROSE:** Oohh

**REY:** And I don’t know what he’s going to say. Is he going to say that he likes me? That he wants to move out here? Is he going to break up our friendship again? Literally anything could happen.

**ROSE:** Honey, just take a breath. You know Ben. He’s not going to cut off your friendship. For all you know, maybe he’s going to tell you that he loves you.

**REY:** WHAT?! What makes you say that?!

**ROSE:** It’s just a guess, Rey! Calm down. Maybe do some yoga, try to work through your...what did you call it: emotional earphone wire knot?

**REY:** 😰

* * *

_ (facebook messages) _

**ROSE:** Don’t freak out but I think Ben may finally spill the beans tonight.

**POE:** Excuse me?

**ROSE:** He and Rey are gonna “talk” about their “feelings”.

**POE:** Ahhhhh shit really?

**ROSE:** YES. God, I can’t believe 1) Rey is so oblivious, and 2) Ben may actually have the courage to do this. It’s been like what...four years?

**POE:** More than. Ben’s been in love with her since we all met in the park and then found out we were living across from each other. Literally. He told me that night that he loved her. What an idiot.

**ROSE:** This is ridiculous. If Ben doesn’t tell her tonight, I will. I’m done being the one to know everything and keeping secrets.

**POE:** Preach. You know Tai would have gotten them together months ago. He would have made Ben talk to Rey right away after their fight and they’d be doing whatever long distance relationships do…

**ROSE:** Tai would not have stood for this...things would have been so different.

**POE:** Yeah...I went to his uh...grave yesterday. Grave sounds so morbid and creepy. They need a better name for it.

**ROSE:** They do.

**POE:** I just sat there and talked to a stupid rock with his name carved in it but it was weirdly nice. You know he was into all that spiritual stuff. I think maybe he was hanging around.

**ROSE:** I’m sure he was. I would probably do the same if I was still on US soil. I have a couple photos of all of us printed and put up in my living room. It’s nice and it’s all I can do to keep him with us.

**POE:** I know it. I’m trying to imagine what he’d say right about now.

**ROSE:** I think he’d be weirdly thrilled that Rey had a kid. He loved kids. And I think he’d be tapping his watch and slamming his hand down on a desk like Judge Judy waiting for Rey and Ben to finally realize that they both love each other.

**POE:** 😂 I can absolutely imagine him doing that.

**ROSE:** Meme King ….god I’m looking through some old photos and I can’t even believe it. Why was he so extra all the time?

**POE:** Actors!

-

_ (some photos of tai) _

* * *

Rey had done as Rose suggested. She did some yoga when she got home, her body finally back to something that felt like her own--she had actually gotten into hiking a few months after Hazel was born, when she was trying to get over not hearing from Ben, and it had been just the push she needed to get herself back to the gym and now she felt like the twenty-three year old that she was. After yoga, she ate some food and tried to work through her emotions.

It was hard. There were a lot of comparisons, and a lot of her grumbling at herself. Larma arrived with Hazel back from the park and it was another nice distraction. Rey fed Hazel some mashed peas and carrots and milk and managed not to make a huge mess for once before she made dinner for herself and let Hazel bounce around in her rolly chair.

It was hours, agonizing hours, in which Rey did everything to distract herself: reading Ben’s board books to Hazel, watching Netflix, pouncing on Rose when she stopped by.

And then finally, finally, with Hazel sleeping soundly, Rey got her computer ready. She even put on some nice clothes and pulled half her hair back. It was getting long again. 

Okay, so maybe...just maybe her feelings for Ben did run deeper than just friendship. She wouldn’t dress up for Poe, or Rose, would she? And her palms were sweaty and her heart was leaping all over the place…

She jumped when the computer rang and Ben’s icon popped up on her screen. Taking a deep breath, she pushed accept with a shaky hand. 

“Hi Ben,” she said, smiling brightly.

He looked nice, like always. Hair freshly trimmed, white t-shirt...her heart did a little flip in her chest and she really wished she’d managed to talk to Rose more before her friend had scurried off to have a stay-in-date with her girlfriend.

“Hey Rey.” He smiled too and she was just about done for.

Rey was sitting on the floor this time, her computer on the coffee table so she could look at the screen head-on. She settled back against the edge of the sofa. “How was your day?”

It had been a couple days since he asked to talk because things hadn’t worked out logistically with their jobs and other commitments and the time zone difference.

“Pretty good for once. Not a Snoke in sight.”

“Good. I’m glad. I want to fight that guy.”

He chuckled. “Thanks for that. How was yours? Your day, I mean.”

“Oh, fine. Settling well into my new job. Hazel has begun babbling all the time so she and I had an intense conversation when she got home from the park. I did some yoga and I’ve just been killing time until now.”

“Sorry to keep you waiting. Are you...wearing the necklaces I sent you?”

Rey touched the thin chains stacked over her collarbone. “Yes. I wear them all the time. It’s a nice reminder to think about you throughout the day.”

“Oh, really? They--they look really nice on you.”

“They do. You have good taste, Ben.” Rey swallowed a groan at how awkward that came out and tapped her nails on her knee under the table. “I’ve been super nervous.”

“Nervous? Why?”

“About...this. I don’t know what you’re going to say and I’ve been going crazy trying to figure it out and then stopping myself from trying to figure it out and then repeating the process.”

Ben smiled a soft smile and tilted his head to the side. “Jeez, I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to do this over texting.”

“Right.” Her leg was bouncing now. Thank Christ he couldn’t see it. 

“In line with um...not telling each other things, there is something I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time. I’ve  _ tried _ a couple times but it just never...I couldn’t do it.”

“Okay. And what--” she paused to clear her throat, “what is it?”

Ben took a deep breath, shifting around on his seat and showing his own nerves for the first time. He swallowed and then looked directly into the camera. Rey held her breath like a teenager in a YA book. “I love you, Rey,” he said,  _ finally _ . “I’ve been in love with you since we first met in Boston. And I never told you because...well for a lot of reasons. Um...and these last two years have been miserable without you in my life. And I probably could have found a better way to tell you this but I just had to say it now or I don’t know what I would have done.”

Rey’s grip on her knee tightened as he spoke, every word hitting her right in the chest. It was a weird, bad-good feeling. A small startled “Oh” slipped through her resolve to stay quiet as he talked about how long he’d loved her.  _ Oh _ , her mind went.  _ OH! _

“And uh...I read your letter, the lost one? And I know you said that you loved me and you probably meant it as a friend which is fine, I just didn’t want to keep...keeping this in,” he added, hastily running a hand through his hair and looking at her with deep loving eyes that she wished were  _ here _ right now instead of through a crappy webcam.

“Ben,” Rey said, drawing herself up and sitting properly behind the screen, searching his face for...for everything. All the little things she’d been missing. “I meant it. And I still mean it. And I...I think I mean it more than a friend. But--” she bulldozed forward, “I don’t know. I have so many feelings toward you and they’re all mixed up and it’s hard because you’re not here. If you were here, I could touch you and hear your voice solely as it was meant to be heard and then I would know. For sure.”

“Oh,” Ben echoed her earlier slip. “I wa--wasn’t expecting that.”

Rey leaned forward, pushing the laptop back and propping her arms on the table. “Why not? Ben, I sing your praises every day. You’re amazing. I miss you all the time. I miss Poe too, but it’s not the same. With you it’s...it’s deeper. Hell, when you showed up at my door, after we’d talked through everything...I wanted…”

“You wanted?” Ben prompted,  _ needing _ to know.

“I wanted to kiss you. But you were with Bazine and in a bad way and I was...still a wreck. But I wanted to.”

“Ah…” Ben sat back. “This is not how I expected this conversation to go.”

Rey laughed, more to let loose the tension in her shoulders than anything. “I’m happy you told me. I wish you’d told me sooner.”

Ben nodded. He leaned back toward the camera. “Me too. What could have been different…”

“It doesn’t matter. Things can be different now. I mean, if you want it to be.”

“I do.”

“Even with...even with Hazel? I mean, she’s mine. She’s with me forever.”

“I know,” Ben replied, soft. She wanted to be able to close her eyes and tuck herself against his chest. All the way across the ocean, Ben rested his fingertips against her cheek on the screen. “And I’ll take it. She is yours and I barely know her but I love her.”

“Ben, don’t make me cry,” Rey said, blinking away her tears, tilting her head back. “I put on makeup for you.”

“You didn’t have to do that. I’ve seen you at your worst.”

Yes, he had. Drunk!Rey had a habit of falling asleep in Ben’s mattress on the floor in 3C and waking up in the middle of the night to puke on his floor.  _ Delightful _ . And yet he still loved her.

The words, just the  _ thought _ , made her insides flutter. 

“I can’t believe this is happening over video,” Rey said finally.

“I know. I wish I was there.”

“Me too. Soon? I mean...fuck, there’s so much to talk about.”

“Maybe. I’m working on it. And we have all the time in the world. I’ve waited this long.”

“Years Ben…” Rey put her hand on her forehead. “I can’t believe it. How could I not have known?”

“I was terrible at hiding it. I don’t know how you didn’t either,” Ben teased.

Rey scoffed and rolled her eyes. This was weird,  _ so weird _ , surreal even. 

Ben watched her, studying her face, knowing where each of her freckles were that the camera washed out. He took a deep breath. “We kissed once...at that party at Jess Pava’s apartment between midterms and Thanksgiving that first year.”

Rey frowned, sitting up a little straighter as she searched her memory and then nearly gasped. “Wait...Ben Solo, that was  _ you _ ?”

“Ah...so you don’t remember?” Ben mimicked her frown and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Oh, I remember. I was just a little foggy on who it was with.” Excitement jumped into her eyes like a flash.

“That makes me feel so much better.”

Rey leaned toward the camera, heart hammering. “No I...Ben, that was literally the kiss that haunted me for my entire American college experience.”

“Haunted you?”

“In a good way. The  _ best way _ , literally the greatest kiss of my life. I could never get anyone to remember who I’d kissed and…” Her fingers fluttered to her lips at the memory. “Why didn’t  _ you _ tell me?”

“Me? I was...you were totally out of my league. Beautiful, English, bubbly and cheerful. You didn’t say anything about it so I thought…”

Rey spread her fingers across her face and muffled a groan. “We’re so stupid oh my god.”

Both of them started to laugh and it was catching, taking up a good five minutes before Rey could catch her breath. Her cheeks were flushed and she waved her hands at her face to try to cool down.

“I can’t believe this,” she managed to get out. “I want to go back in time and tell past you to just kiss me again and all our problems would have been solved.”

Ben shook his head. “If I had known that was all that it would have taken.” He sat back, also a little flush, smile a permanent fixture on his face. “God, Rey, I...I really want to kiss you. For real. Where we both remember.”

Rey pulled a leg against her chest and propped her arm on it. “I do too. I...I really want to.”

“So if I told you I’d been looking into transferring to London--”

“Yes. Please. I’m going to be as selfish as I can be and yes, I want you to be here. I want you to be here so I can be with you.”

His smile widened into a grin. “Good. Because I’ve already put some paperwork in to start things. There’s an opening in London.”

“Probably because Armie left. He’s in Scotland now. I don’t know what he’s doing but he’s out of my...our life now. But at least he did one good thing before he left. If you take his place, you get to be  _ here _ .”

“I would be there. It may take a little while, but they may send me on a short trip early to find a place to live…”

“Ben.” Rey leaned toward the screen again, as if even without him being there, her body just wanted to be with him. “This is so much all at once but you’re my friend first and I wholeheartedly agree to all of this. You can get away from your horrible boss, and you get to be with me.”

“I’ve waited years to hear something like that from you, Rey,” Ben said, voice low.

“I’m sorry I didn’t even realize what was happening in college.”

“Don’t be. It happened and now we’re here. I’m right where I always wanted to be.”

“Which is?”

“In love with you. You loving me. It’s the most I could ever have imagined honestly.”

She propped her head in her hand. “We’ll do this right, won’t we, Ben?”

“I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I lost you again.”

“Me too,” Rey sighed, tapping his face on the screen with a fingertip. “I can’t even explain the emotions I’ve gone through tonight. I’m so tired from all my nerves earlier.”

“I wish I had known. I would have texted and told you it was something good.”

Rey waved a hand. “I’ll get over it. I  _ am _ over it. I just think I need to sleep. And...talk to you tomorrow?”

“Absolutely.”

“Goodnight, Ben.”

“Goodnight, Rey.”

* * *

_ (text messages) (the next day) _

**ROSE:** REY! Wake uppppp

**ROSE:** Rey come on. Tell me the deets!

**REY:** ROSE!

**REY:** Why do I have a feeling you knew all along?

**ROSE:** Knew what?

**REY:** That Ben loves me.

**ROSE:** sdfghjkoh shit

**ROSE:** He actually told you?!

**REY:** Yes!

**ROSE:** Sweetie, I’ve known for years but he didn’t pursue and I didn’t meddle. You were doing your own thing and he was doing his.

**REY:** He loves me Rose. Like...full on.

**ROSE:** That’s great! Right?

**REY:** YES.

**REY:** I love him too. I’m like 99.9% sure. I just need to kiss him again.

**ROSE:** AGAIN?

**REY:** 😬

**REY:** Remember that mid-term final party at Jess Pava’s? The first year I was there? And I kissed that mystery guy when I was super drunk? And it was like...amazing?

**ROSE:** Yes….is this...going where I think it’s going?

**REY:** It was BEN. This whole time.

**ROSE:** Oh my god are you serious?

**REY:** YES. He told me and we laughed about it for like ten minutes.

**REY:** And we’re...we’re gonna try to do this, I think. He’s going to try to get his job to transfer him here, to take Armie’s position.

**ROSE:** Wow. Small world? Big world? God, I can’t believe it finally happened. Poe is gonna flip.

**REY:** Wait...POE KNEW ABOUT THIS TOO?

**REY:** WHY DID EVERYONE KNOW BEN LOVED ME BUT ME?

**ROSE:** You’re pretty but you’re also pretty dumb sometimes, babe. But it’s fine right? Now *you* love him too! So you can meet in the middle and not have to deal with weird college relationship stuff.

**REY:** No I just get to deal with a relationship with a baby on my hip.

**ROSE:** Ben loves Hazel! And he’ll be great.

**REY:** I know, that’s what he said too. I just don’t want to ruin our friendship…

**ROSE:** He’s loved you through everything, Rey. He’s not gonna let you go.

**REY:** I don’t know what to do with these emotions Rose 😭

**ROSE:** Revel in them. I promise, early relationship stuff may be weird and awkward at times but it always pays off in the end. And it’s Ben Solo. You have no need to worry.

**REY:** You’re right. I really...I need to get ready for work…

**ROSE:** Do it. I’ll come by later?

**REY:** Please/thank you.

**ROSE:** 💗

* * *

_ (text messages) _

**REY:** Hi Ben :)

**BEN:** Good um...evening? I think.

**REY:** You are correct. I didn’t want to text you too early because of work and all that.

**BEN:** This time difference may kill me.

**REY:** Not allowed. And I just keep telling myself you’ll be here eventually and then we won’t have to worry about it.

**BEN:** You make some valid points.

**REY:** Is it weird that I feel nervous texting you now?

**BEN:** It shouldn’t. Nothing’s changed. I’m still me and I’m pretty sure you’re still you.

**REY:** I am still me 😝 I’m a little different though. I have a real adult job. I only drink one glass of wine a night. I’m a mum...that last one is a big one.

**BEN:** If you’re trying to convince me that I don’t know the new you enough to still love you, you’re not going to get anywhere. You shouldn’t be nervous, at least I hope you’re not nervous about me. 

**REY:** I still need to get used to that

**REY:** But I’ve always felt comfortable with you, Ben. We went from strangers to friends within like an hour. This is just something new. I’m still processing.

**BEN:** As long as that’s all it is.

**REY:** I also need that kiss...🤔must refresh my memory

**BEN:** If only teleportation was a real thing 😣

**REY:** It gives me something to look forward to. I mean...seeing all of you will be nice

**BEN:** All of me?

**REY:** I MEANT

**REY:** Your whole person. Like...in front of me. In clothes.

**BEN:** Are you sure?

**REY:** Don’t tease me, I don’t know what I’m doing

**BEN:** 😁

**BEN:** Sorry, I’ll stop. 

**BEN:** I also need to go back to work. Lunch break only lasts so long.

**REY:** Okay. Enjoy the rest of your day! Don’t hesitate to text me if something happens.

**BEN:** All right

* * *

_Rey,_

_Are these technically love letters now? I kind of like the thought of that...we talk so often that I feel like there’s little point in rehashing the everyday updates on paper. I have years of keeping my feelings to myself which leaves me plenty of material to write to you._

_I’ve loved you for so long that it feels like I’ve belonged to you for my entire life. I never let myself believe for a moment that you would or could feel any iota of that intense emotion for me, and even now I still wake up wondering if this was all a dream. I know this all new to you and honestly this is nothing like I could have ever dreamed. You’re bigger than life, always have been. I don’t even know how I’m going to be able to stand being around you after being away for so long._

_The world perpetually seems to be moving slowly just to spite me. I wake up thinking about you and fall asleep with you on my mind and of course you’re in my dreams. You’ve always been there. I dream about just being with you, doing nothing but drowning in the light of your smile. I dream about kissing you too...I have for years and I can’t believe I’m going to live long enough to kiss you again. Even now I can try to conjure up that superbly drunk kiss we had, but it’s not enough. The only thing that could sate me is you in my arms, your heart beating next to mine, every soft part of you molded to me, my hands in your hair, my lips on yours…_

_Rey, it’s killing me to be here, an ocean away, knowing you’re there waiting for me. I don’t know how I lasted two years, except that they were filled with loneliness and bad decisions. I don’t want to spend any more of my life apart from you. Every hour without you by my side feels wasted after so much time of loving you from afar._

_I want you more than I can express. I want your flaws and your best attributes. I’ve seen so many sides of you over the years and I want to see and learn all of them again. I want to actually be there to support you and love you and be with you and be part of Hazel’s life too. I just want you, Rey. All of you._

_I love you._

_-Ben_


	28. Year Three: September

**YEAR THREE: SEPTEMBER**

_(text messages)_

**REY:** HOLY SHIT ROSE

 **ROSE:** What?! Are you okay?

 **REY:** I’m fine!

 **REY:** Heart thumping, sweaty palms FINE

 **ROSE:** What is going on?!

 **ROSE:** Wait, is this another Ben thing?

 **REY:** YES.

 **ROSE:** What did you do this time?

 **REY:** Absolutely nothing.

 **REY:** He wrote me a letter.

 **ROSE:** 🤔 you guys have been writing for years

 **REY:** But this is….a love letter.

 **REY:** Like I could be 90 and my grandkids find this in the attic and it would be like in those movies and books and stuff

 **ROSE:** 👀

 **ROSE:** OMG is it racy?

 **REY:** Not really….it’s more um...emotional? Like desperate.

 **ROSE:** Is he a good writer?

 **REY:** Undoubtedly.

 **REY:** I can’t believe Ben and I have talked like four times since he wrote this and he didn’t say ANYTHING. I mean he’s said some stuff but nothing to this extent.

 **ROSE:** Maybe he’s waiting until he’s here. Like...doing this stuff over video can’t be easy for either of you.

 **REY:** It’s not. I really want to see him. But I can’t travel and he’s working on it.

 **REY:** He always said that writing things on paper felt more personal…

 **ROSE:** Are you going to write him back?

 **REY:** I don’t think I could possibly do that! I mean, I will but I don’t think it would be nearly as….ooph as this one.

 **REY:** I can’t even think of the right words!

 **ROSE:** This is amazing. It’s like you guys are living through one of those drama-romances you and I used to watch every Taco Tuesday

 **REY:** but this is REAL LIFE ROSE

 **ROSE:** Are you really freaking out about this?

 **REY:** It’s just...it’s a lot. It’s a LOT. I don’t hate it but I legitimately can’t get my heartbeat down.

 **ROSE:** Um...you could…….relax yourself 👀

 **REY:** What?

 **ROSE:** Honestly Rey we’ve been roommates for years. I know you cannot be this dumb and virginal right now. Just go get down with yourself and you’ll feel better. And think about all the lovely things Ben said 😏

 **ROSE:** It’ll help! Listen to Auntie Rose. And...it’ll help make you less weird about thinking about having sex with Ben. I don’t know how much more I can take about you agonizing over it because “we’ve been friends for ages, I don’t even know what to think about or how to think about it” is a poor excuse and you know it

 **REY:** Um…

 **REY:** Okay I can’t believe I’m saying this but that’s not a bad idea...

 **REY:** And Larma won’t be back with Hazel for like two hours

 **ROSE:** Light some candles! Mood music! Reread Ben’s letter and ~relax~

 **ROSE:** This is called self-care/self-love.

 **REY:** Are you suddenly a life coach? You and Poe have that in common.

 **ROSE:** We’re just trying to keep you two idiots in one piece until you finally get together

 **ROSE:** 😇🙌

 **REY:** 🙄

* * *

_Ben,_

_I have never in my life received or written a love letter before. Yours certainly did feel like one, and I hope maybe this will, too._

_I’ve never loved anyone before in any sort of capacity that could be called “in love” which is probably a shame. I feel as if I should have been one of those girls who fell in love with everyone they met; I wanted to be, but life wasn’t always so forgiving for me. Perhaps it’s okay that I didn’t, because it means that this is so much more special._

_You’ve been a constant in my life for long enough that I always feel your absence. I was never lying when I said I missed you and thought about all the time when I first moved back to England. I did, and maybe that was the start of it. A slow, super slower, impossibly slow race to the present. I don’t know exactly when things shifted. I’ve spent hours going over things in my head, or with Rose, trying to find that moment._

_They say that some people fall in love fast: love at first sight, or within days of knowing each other. A fast, quick drop off a cliff into a swell of emotion. For me, stupid, blind me, I think it was more like a slow erosion. Every day, every thought, every word from you wore itself closer to my heart until I fell, just a little, into a soft, warmness that is you. Because you’re gentle and kind and you’ve always cared about me, even when you loved me and I went around with a bunch of blokes in Boston or lied to you…_

_When you told me that you loved me, it was a little like coming home. I realize that now, upon reflection, and it’s more than true. I’ve never really had a place to call home before; I moved around a lot, and I find it easy to pick up and leave, but I could never think about leaving you ever again. I choose you to be my home, Ben._

_Waiting is all I feel like I’m doing, on the edge of a precipice, just waiting to settle into a life with you on the same continent, in the same city. But I’ll wait forever for you because you’re all that I could ever ask for. I keep telling myself that I deserve you, no matter how much I sometimes feel as if I don’t, because I know you’d get upset if I kept thinking that. So I keep telling myself that I do and I wait. I’m sure I dream of you, even if I can’t remember, because I always wake up with you on my mind._

_I want you in my life and will count down the days until I can touch you and kiss you and tell you how I feel without the barrier of a screen._

_Love, Rey_

_P.S. Is this what they call a modern love letter? I certainly hope so, I tried very hard._

* * *

_(text messages)_

**BEN:** Hey Rey

 **REY:** Hellooo

 **BEN:** Are you busy?

 **REY:** Not really. Just playing with Hazel :)

 **BEN:** Okay well I have news. Potentially big news.

 **REY:** Oh? And what is this big news?

 **BEN:** Stuff for my transfer is underway. Snoke is trying to be an ass about it but I stooped low enough to ask my mom for help.

 **REY:** Oooph, Lawyer Mom. Scary.

 **BEN:** Luckily she’s on my side. And so things are good now.

 **BEN:** Do you have plans for the last week of September?

 **REY:** Um...work, Kaydel was gonna take me and Rose to set on the 28th and I was going to bring Hazel to the zoo on that last Saturday!

 **REY:** Wait

 **REY:** BEN!

 **REY:** Are you coming to London?

 **BEN:** I’m going to London! Just uh for a couple days, to prep stuff for actually moving but I would have to be dead in the ground if I was going to waste any of my free time by not being with you.

 **REY:** Oh my god

 **REY:** You’re...you’re really coming here?

 **BEN:** I am. I’m going to pick out my house, sign some paperwork, meet the new office...and see you as much as I possibly can.

 **REY:** I’m totally crying right now and Hazel is trying to grab the phone

 **REY:** They’re happy tears, I promise.

 **REY:** How long will you be here?

 **BEN:** Get in Wednesday at like 3AM. Have work and house stuff pretty much 8-3 Wednesday-Friday but I managed to get them to keep me on until Sunday. I leave at about 1:30 on Sunday.

 **REY:** OMG okay

 **REY:** I work 8-4 on a normal week. So we could...we could have nights. And Saturday!

 **BEN:** Absolutely.

 **REY:** Are you getting put up in a hotel?

 **BEN:** One of the perks of being in a big company. Why...did you want me to stay with you?

 **REY:** I mean...it would make things easier. I just mean, with travel and all that. And I do have a second room. I could just move Hazel back into mine for a few nights.

 **REY:** Or I don’t know. I wish you could delete sent texts.

 **BEN:** Hey, it’s fine. I would gladly spend every spare second with you but I do have a schedule to keep for work, with cars planned out. But I will spend as much time with you as I can. And Saturday I’m a totally free agent.

 **REY:** Okay, okay. This is like...ten days away.

 **BEN:** I know. I can’t wait to see you. I wish I could see you right away but I won’t ask you to get me from the airport at such an ungodly hour.

 **REY:** I would totally but I have Hazel and work. Text me immediately when you land though, just so I know you’re safe and...well it’s more than a week away, but you know what I mean.

 **BEN:** I do. I know.

 **REY:** I’m so excited

 **BEN:** Me too.

 **REY:** 😁

 **REY:** We um…we don’t have to do anything that I said by the way. I can change my plans.

 **BEN:** Never. It sounds fun. And I’ll get to meet the mysterious Kaydel. She wasn’t around when I was there last.

 **REY:** You will! She was going to show us the set Thursday after work probably at 7? Larma is going to work late to look after Hazel.

 **BEN:** Sounds fun. And Saturday too.

 **REY:** You’re really going to go to the zoo with me and a baby?

 **BEN:** I want to be wherever you are. And I want to spend time with Hazel. I told you.

 **REY:** I know but it’s still...not what I’m used to. Armie...he never even met her once. Didn’t want to, didn’t care, never saw a picture. I mean I could have been LYING and he never would have questioned it because he didn’t care.

 **BEN:** A real piece of work. And I’m not him so you don’t have to worry. I know she’s part of your life and I’m here for all of it.

 **REY:** Okay 😊

 **REY:** If you’re finding a house now how long will it be until you can work here?

 **BEN:** About another 3 weeks or so I think. I’ll have a better idea once I’m at the FO office. They’re taking care of finding places for me to look at and dealing with the downpayment on whatever I pick. It’s just a matter of HR and staffing paperwork and a couple other things. I’ve got my VISA all set and everything.

 **REY:** Wow...this feels so surreal. You’re actually gonna be here.

 **BEN:** I am. 

**REY:** That’s amazing. I feel like I could write a whole nother letter about my feelings right now.

 **BEN:** I wouldn’t hate it. Not sure I’d get it before I left though…

 **REY:** I can just keep it here and give it to you in person. I can make it really corny.

 **BEN:** Whatever you want to do, I just can’t wait to see you.

 **REY:** You keep saying that. I mean, I’m excited to see you too. I just...wow. It doesn’t feel real. Not until you’re here.

 **BEN:** If I had a time machine, I’d skip forward.

 **REY:** Soon we won’t need teleporting or time machines.

 **BEN:** No, we won’t.

 **REY:** 💛

* * *

* * *

_**(~wednesday, sept 27~)**  
(text messages)_

**BEN:** Okay so it’s like 3:30 in the morning right now and I just got into a car to go to my hotel. I’m going to be exhausted this whole trip but I can’t wait to see you.

 **REY:** It’s hours later but oh my god! I hope your flight was okay and you were able to sleep. 💛

 **BEN:** They actually let me sleep a bit this morning. I had a whole half-hour to sleep in. I slept a little on the plane so I should be able to make it. I’m not sure how much energy I’ll have by the time I’m done with my day but I’d be okay with just being at your place for a while tonight.

 **REY:** Yes please. I actually cleaned everything so you need to come here and tell me how nice everything looks. 

**REY:** How weird is it to be in the same timezone finally?

 **BEN:** I’ll let you know when my brain catches up

 **BEN:** But it’s very nice

 **REY:** 😊

* * *

_(text messages)_

**ROSE:** okay so do you need me to take Hazel tonight? So you and Ben can...you know...be ~alone~

 **REY:** He literally got off the plane TODAY. He’s going to be dead on his feet. And he wants to see Hazel.

 **ROSE:** Oooooh kay

 **REY:** And I want her to get used to him too. I mean, she’s seen him on the computer a few times and knows his name but I don’t know if she’s gonna flip out when she sees him in person. She’s so picky lately.

 **ROSE:** I hear kids do that. But if you need anything, you know I’m here for you. Just downstairs :)

 **REY:** thanks Rose! Maybe uh...another night ;)

 **ROSE:** CHEEKY

 **REY:** You can’t say that! You’re American 😵

 **ROSE:** 😈

* * *

Rey rushed into her flat from work, happily greeted by Hazel, who yelled “Mama!” Rey swooped her daughter up from the floor and had a short conversation with Larma about their day. Nothing eventful, which Rey was perfectly okay with.

“And thank you in advance for staying a bit later tomorrow. I would have gotten a babysitter but Hazel doesn’t like anyone new right now,” Rey said, stroking her daughter’s back and kissing her hair as Larma gathered her things.

“It’s perfectly all right,” Larma insisted, slinging her bag over her shoulder. “Hazel is a dream and you’ve never asked for me to stay any longer for the year I’ve been her nanny. You’re young, doll, you deserve to have a break for a few hours to just be you instead of being only a mum. Okay?”

Rey didn’t know why she teared up at that, but she nodded, gave Larma a half-hug and she and Hazel waved goodbye. Once the door was shut, Rey turned to Hazel, who started babbling among the words in her minimal vocabulary. 

“Okay, let’s see where Ben is, huh?” Rey said, grabbing her phone out of her pocket and pulling up Ben’s messages. She texted and let him know that she was home, her stomach fluttering like it was housing an entire butterfly house. She set her phone on the kitchen counter and bounced Hazel on her hip as she rooted through the cabinets. 

She had neglected to go grocery shopping and wasn’t sure she could make much of anything from what she had--

The knock on her door came barely two minutes later. Frowning, Rey walked over unassuming as Hazel slapped her hands against Rey’s chest for some impossible baby reason. “Is this your way of coming out to me?” Rey murmured humorously as she pulled the door open.

To Ben.

He was standing right there in jeans and a t-shirt and his hair messed up like he’d been asleep recently. He was in the middle of running his fingers through it when the door opened. Rey was floored, mouth slightly agape, frozen to the spot.

“Uh...hi,” Ben said, smiling. “I got done with work early and Rose said she was home so I just...I’ve been sleeping.” He blushed a little.

Rey came to life. A smile stretched across her face and she took his flourishing hand and tugged him inside. “Hello,” she said, heart leaping in her chest. _God_ she missed him. She wanted to kiss him so badly but she also didn’t want to rush it. She hugged him as much as she could with half of her overtaken by Hazel. He was soft and warm, the very distinct way someone was after sleeping.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” she murmured against his chest before she stepped back and spoke to Hazel. “ _Hazel_ , do you remember Ben?”

The sixteen month old stared at Ben with a seriousness that most babies didn’t have before she stretched her hand toward him and said, in her tiny little voice, “Ben.”

Rey grinned, thankful Hazel hadn’t started throwing a fit like she did with anyone who wasn’t herself, Larma or Rose lately. Poor Kaydel was left out of Hazel’s list of acceptable people for this month.

“Hi Hazel,” Ben said, his voice soft as he shook her hand with his fingers and then brushed his hand over her hair which was growing lighter and lighter each day.

Rey walked toward her kitchen and placed Hazel in her high chair. “So Hazel eats early, and then she plays for a bit but she’s dead asleep by seven most nights.”

“Sounds like I would like to be,” Ben said with a little laugh, leaning against the island counter. “I was dead on my feet all day but Rose’s couch is surprisingly comfy even for me.”

Rey grabbed Hazel’s baby food from the fridge and then put it in the microwave to take off the chill. “How long were you there?”

“An hour I think. Pryde, my new boss, he’s not that bad a guy. Noticed I was pretty much hallucinating and cut things short for today. I saw two houses, but I can’t tell you a thing about them.”

Rey twisted around with a pout. “Poor Ben.” She turned back to the food and the next forty minutes were spent trying to get Hazel to eat as much as she should, while Ben told Rey more details about his new job, and the whole process.

Finally, once Hazel had eaten most of her food and drank her milk, Rey washed her face and hands and plopped her into the bouncer on the floor so she could stay upright and be near Rey while she and Ben sat on the couch.

Rey was _nervous_ but in a good way for once. “I can’t believe this,” she muttered, reaching over and taking Ben’s hand between hers. After traveling, Rey usually felt about as wilted as a flower, but Ben, despite his sleepiness, was sturdy and solid and his eyes had continued to brighten the longer he was near her.

“What about it?” Ben asked, twisting his hand around to press their palms together and lace his fingers between hers. He was leaning back against the cushions, relaxed-- _tired--_ while she was sitting, back straight, one leg tucked under her, almost too overwhelmed to even look at him.

“About...everything. You being here. Your feelings about me...my feelings about you. And you’re...you’re--” she looked up now, and found that he really was not someone she had to fear, not with the love and compassion in his eyes, “you’re not scared away by Hazel and I don’t know how to really process any of this.”

Tears pricked her eyes and Ben shifted forward, squeezing her hand and lifting his other to brush his knuckles across her cheek. “Hey.” His voice was as soft as his touch. “You don’t have to worry about anything okay. I know it’s...this is a lot. It’s new and I’m sorry if my moving to London is making you uncomfortable or scared.”

“It’s not,” Rey whispered, leaning into his hand. “It’s just that everything is so new and it kind of feels like...well we have this foundation, and I’m not sure how to move past it without losing what we already have.”

“We won’t,” Ben insisted, scooting a little bit closer. “You said it yourself, we were friends first and I don’t see why that can’t continue. People who are in relationships with someone they wouldn’t want to be friends with is...well it’s the norm I guess, but I don’t want that.”

She laughed just a little, more of a throaty huff as she sniffed and nodded. “I don’t want that either,” she said, her breath catching as his fingers slid down her jaw to her chin. His eyes dropped to her lips and she didn’t even give him a chance to move them back to her gaze before she leaned forward, her free hand reaching for his shirt.

Their lips met and the kiss was soft and sweet and _familiar_ in a way that Rey wasn’t expecting. It wasn’t just her memory sparking of that night at Jess Pava’s party; it was something deeper, like this was _meant to be_. Her hand fisted in the soft t-shirt, stretching the material for sure but she didn’t care and Ben didn’t seem to notice. They paused to breathe, Ben sliding his hand into her hair and tilting his head to the other side before kissing her again. This time was more determined, hinting at needy, and Rey leaned toward him, parting her lips and gasping at his tongue darting into her mouth, soft and warm and making her toes curl.

She leaned even more toward him, untangling their hands and nearly pressing him back against the sofa. He cupped her face in both of his hands and she gripped his shoulder, losing herself before Hazel made an excited yip and threw something hard across the room.

Rey broke off the kiss in a daze, pupils big, breath a little short. Ben thought she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen and he told her that. Rey smiled slightly, kissing him one last time before she got to her feet. “Okay, let’s call that the cue to make dinner, huh?” She grabbed the plastic set of keys that Hazel had thrown and returned them to her daughter’s reaching hand.

“I’ll stay over here,” Ben told her.

“Okay.” Rey walked to the kitchen and hastily texted Rose to see if she had any tomatoes.

“Um...so how exactly does one play with a one year old?” Ben asked from his place on the couch.

Rey laughed. “Um...sit on the floor with her. Hand her things. Talk to her. You could try reading to her if she’ll let you hold her. She gets very squirmy after a meal though.”

“Right,” Ben said, sounding a little exasperated.

Rey couldn’t help herself, she chuckled and started getting things ready for dinner. Rose knocked on the door a few minutes later with tomatoes fresh from the farmer’s market in hand. Rey gave Rose a kiss on the cheek and Rose gave Rey a wink and a thumbs up before leaving.

\---

By the time Rey had managed to make an edible pasta al fresco, Hazel was propped up in Ben’s lap and he was dangling her toy keys in front of her and explaining the numerous ridiculous things they opened. It was so adorable that Rey’s heart squeezed in her chest and she had to blink away tears again. After she composed herself, they got settled in for eating.

Ben was a sweetheart and gobbled up her food like it was gourmet. It wasn’t _the worst_ but it was literally just pasta with olive oil, frozen spinach and fresh tomatoes sauteed with garlic. It wasn’t worthy of his praise but she accepted his compliments and they got through the dinner without Hazel having a meltdown.

After, Ben insisted on cleaning the dishes and Rey decided to give Hazel a bath to give herself time to think. Hazel was either the most intuitive baby ever, or Larma had tired her out more than usual because by the time Rey dressed her in her pajamas, she was already starting to get sleepy even though it wasn’t yet her usual bedtime.

Rey wasn’t going to complain. Hazel always liked to fall asleep against her shoulder so Rey tucked her there and rocked and swayed as Ben finished up cleaning. “I think I could get used to this,” Rey said. She wasn’t _entirely_ just talking about having her dishes done for her either. She felt so much calmer just _around_ him, and she was already dreading him leaving again, even for a short time.

“Which part?” Ben asked, as if he had read her mind.

Rey stuck her tongue out at him while he couldn’t see. “You doing the dishes. Rose used to always do them.”

“Mmmm,” Ben hummed, unconvinced.

Rey bounced around with Hazel for a few more minutes before she was out cold and she quietly set her down in her crib, made sure she settled down and then left the room, leaving the door slightly ajar. “And now she sleeps until about five, or six if I’m lucky,” she said, tiptoeing away from the door and into the kitchen. 

Ben was just finishing up. “Is she asleep?”

“Yep. She goes down really easy about 98 percent of the time,” Rey said, heart ramping up in her chest like she was a teenager again. “So we have hours of blissful non-baby time.”

“I really don’t mind,” Ben said as she came up behind him and slipped her arms around him, squeezing just a little. “What are you--”

She ducked under his arm and slid between him and the counter, grinning at him. “Hello.”

“Hi. My hands are still wet.”

Rey shrugged a shoulder as she brought a hand up behind his neck and pushed onto her toes. He closed the gap between them, hands hovering away from her before he muttered something unintelligible against her lips and laid his hands around her hips, leaning down and lifting her at the same time. He was so tall and she wasn’t all that short but there was still a lot of space between them.

He kissed her, tasting her with his tongue, making her yet again dizzy. Rey wondered if this was going to be a common occurrence and found that she didn’t much care because her body was _waking up_ from two years of not being touched. It was just a bonus that it was Ben’s arms around her torso, his lips on hers.

Finally, she settled down on her heels even as he chased her with his lips, only to settle them against her hair instead. She tucked herself under his chin and found that she quite liked the feeling of being pinned between him and her counter. “Okay,” she said softly after a few minutes.

“Okay?”

“Definitely not platonic feelings.”

“I would hope not. I mean...I obviously would have been okay with it and respected your feelings and I still would have moved here so I could be near you but I’m very glad…” He trailed off, rambling. “I’ll leave my grand speeches for when I’m not running on a couple hours of scattered sleep in the last thirty-six hours.”

She squeezed him one last time. “Do you want to move to the sofa?”

“I’m gonna fall asleep,” he warned, but let her take his hand and lead him over.

“I’ll wake you up. You need to be back at the hotel tonight right?”

“Yeah. Start work at 8 tomorrow. Actually this time.” He settled into the corner of the couch and Rey fell like a magnet to his side, tugging his arm around her and snuggling against his chest, her legs thrown over his lap. She nuzzled her head under his chin and sighed contentedly.

“I’ll wake you up,” she repeated. “I just...want this for a little while. I need to remind myself that you’re real. I want to imprint the feeling of you on my soul so I can make it through the month you’ll be gone again.”

Ben shifted a little and pulled her closer. “I hope it’ll be sooner than a full month.”

“It’s still something I need to prepare for,” she said, resting her hand over his heart. “Having you here is everything to me.”

“I’m glad to be here. I wish I could have come sooner.”

“It’s better this way. Maybe. It doesn’t really matter. We can’t change the past, right?” She moved so she could see his face. 

“Right,” he agreed, brushing her face with his hand once again. He could make out all of her freckles even in the dim light.

“Can I say something that may ruin the moment?”

“Didn’t we promise to tell each other everything?”

A small dimple carved its way into her cheek. “Yes, we did. And I just...I needed to tell you, face to face, that I won’t lie to you. I promise. Maybe a little white lie here or there, to stop you from worrying or to keep a surprise, but I’m not going to ever keep anything big from you ever again. I just needed to say that one last time.”

“Thanks for saying it,” Ben said, stroking her hair and planting a kiss on her forehead.

Rey felt so loved, so warm and safe in a way that she hadn’t felt in a really long time. Or maybe ever. (Or maybe, since the last time she invaded Ben’s room at Corneal St Corner before graduation and made him watch a movie with her while she stole one of his hoodies and got crumbs in his mattress.) She brought her hand up from his chest to his face, delicately touching his cheek like he was something to be cherished. “I love you,” she said, voice quiet but meaning the words no less because of it. Her heart squeezed when she said it, but in a good way.

She would have felt Ben’s heart stutter a bit if her hand was still on his chest. His eyes searched her face for a question, a hesitation, but he found nothing but certainty. “Rey...you have no idea…” He grabbed her gently and pulled her more into his lap, circling one arm around her and cupping her face with the hand. She braced herself against his shoulders. “I love you so much. It was killing me to not tell you.”

Her gaze softened. “I’m sorry it took me so long.” She leaned in and rested her forehead against his. “Forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive. You’re here now,” he said, gently stroking down her side, sending chills through her.

Rey dipped down and kissed him full on the mouth, taking her time and tangling her hands through his hair. “Ben?” she whispered. 

“Yeah?”

“Are you very tired?”

Ben hesitated and she pinched his shoulder. “Ow. Yes. I’m pretty exhausted.”

At his words, Rey climbed off him, leaving him colder than before. She motioned for him to scoot over.

“You should get some sleep, and I don’t want you to leave just yet,” she explained, taking his seat and offering up her lap for him. He laid back, using her thighs as his pillow. Her hands immediately went to his hair, running soft lines through them. As much as he wanted to keep looking at her, to make up for lost time, he couldn’t help but let his eyes flutter closed.

Rey kept up with it as he shifted around and she felt him relax into sleep, turned toward her, nose pressed against her belly. She thought maybe she could stay like this forever and didn’t even desire for her phone or a glass of wine. She was content to sit here and have him sleeping and Hazel sleeping, the two most important people to her in one place, safe and sound.

* * *

**_(~thursday, september 28~)_ **

* * *

They got back just before nine. Ben really should have gotten a cab back to his hotel straight from the restaurant, but he didn’t want the night to end. It was the most fun he’d had in a long time, and Rey was dazzling all evening. They were quiet walking in, greeted by a middle-aged woman with curly blonde hair sitting in a chair and reading. The door to Hazel’s room was almost closed.

“Have a fun time?” Larma asked, standing and getting her things together.

“Yes,” Rey said, nearly breathless. “How was Hazel?”

“Just fine. Ate all her dinner and was surprisingly interested in her books tonight.” 

“Good, great, that’s great,” Rey said, nodding. “Oh um...this is Ben. He’s my…” She paused with a frown.

“Nice to meet you,” Larma said, putting out her hand to shake. “Larma D’Acy, Hazel’s nanny. I’m going to head out now. I’ll see you tomorrow, Rey.”

“Thank you,” Rey called quietly after her. Once the door was closed, she pulled off her short-heeled white sandals and then rubbed her hands over her face. “Ugh, I’m sorry.”

“About?” Ben asked, pulling off his baseball hat and ruffling his hair with his fingers.

“Not knowing what to call you,” she mumbled, turning to him.

“It’s fine. We haven’t really talked about it.”

Rey dragged her nails over her hair, pulled back tightly against her scalp. “Should we? Talk about it, I mean.”

“Is there much to talk about?” Ben walked closer to her, sliding his hands around her hips, his skin pressing against the sliver of her abdomen between her pants and her shirt. Rey’s hands fluttered to rest on his arms. “I love you. You love me.”

“That is true,” Rey mused with a quirk of her lips.

“So, do you want to be my girlfriend?”

Rey pushed down her grin and hooked a tooth over her bottom lip. “I don’t know...I’d have to think about it…”

Ben lifted one of his hands, trailing it over her side right where she was the most ticklish. Rey smothered a peal of laughter with her hand.

“Yes, obviously,” she said. “Though I’m beginning to rethink this if you’re going to keep tickling me to get your way.”

“Only in the most dire of circumstances,” Ben assured her, lifting one of his hands to her face, fingers curling around the back of her neck.

Rey pushed herself to her toes, their noses brushing. “Okay, then, I suppose I can live with that,” she relented, tilting her head, their lips almost touching.

Ben’s mouth curled into a smile before he closed the space between them. He didn’t rush the kiss and Rey didn’t either, languishing in the warmth of each other, the connection, fresh and new and electric. It was so easy to get lost in each other.

Ben had been waiting for so long for this that he could barely comprehend it was actually happening, but he accepted it full heartedly and with gusto. Rey felt like she’d been in the winter for a good long year and was shaking off ice. Her body warmed under his touch, coming to life with every kiss, every hand hold, every smile and laugh she was fortunate to be around to see and hear.

Rey’s arms snaked around his neck and pressed herself flush against him. Her tongue pressed against his and coaxed a deep moan from the back of his throat, one of his hands gripping her hip hard. Rey felt intrinsically smug about getting such a response from him and smiled into the kiss. Ben’s other hand slid from the back of her head to her neck, solid and warm against the column of her throat.

A small gasp escaped Rey’s lips as Ben shifted his mouth to her jaw, tilting her head back with a little pressure from his thumb, which she obliged. Eyes fluttering closed, Rey clung to him and drowned herself in the electric charged jolts from each soft, and gently sucking kiss along her neck.

“Ben,” she breathed out, fingers in his hair.

He returned his lips, red and wet, to her mouth for a brief kiss. “Can you...take your hair down?” he asked, eyes heavy and heart thundering in his chest.

Rey’s eyebrows rose but she cracked a smile and pulled her hair out of the high pony Rose had scraped it back into. She started to run her hands through it, but Ben stopped her.

“If I look ridiculous, know this is your fault,” she mumbled, her words losing their bite as he ran his own hairs through her hair instead. Her scalp tingled at first, but then, his fingertips brushed through over and over again, relaxing not just her hair, but her whole self. She curled her arms around him to hold herself up and hummed. “That feels...so nice,” she nearly purred.

“Good,” Ben murmured, fisting her hair in his hands and then letting his palms fall against the crook of her neck on either side. “You smell amazing by the way.”

Rey blushed, opening her eyes slightly. “Thank you?” she half-chuckled. Ben responded by bumping their noses together and waiting for Rey to kiss his awaiting lips. She did, digging her nails into his back and deepening the kiss. Before she knew it, she felt Ben’s hands at her waist, on her thighs and without breaking off their kiss, he lifted her like she weighed nothing. Her legs hooked around his hips and curved her arm around his neck for balance. She’d never actually been held up by a guy before...her insides fluttered and her body responded in turn.

“Hang on,” Ben told her, one strong arm around her back. Before she could ask what she should hold on for, he was walking the few steps to her long, open ended sofa and lowering her down on it. She naturally pulled him with her, a laugh akin to a giggle escaping her.

“You could have just asked me to lay down,” she said, hands on his face, thumbs swiping across his cheeks.

Ben shook his head. “What fun would that be?”

She shrugged, a little awkwardly against the cushions and pulled him down for another kiss. It was open and needy, hot and wet. Ben slid one hand down her leg, sending thrills through Rey, straight to her center. She wriggled beneath him and pulled him closer, pressing them together, his hips settled between hers. Ben’s hand was a steady, familiar weight against her neck; she found it kind of hot, how easily he could fit his hand around most of her: her neck, her leg, hell he could almost entirely encircle her waist…

Before she knew it, she was reaching for the hem of his t-shirt, scrambling to rip it off of him. He helped, propping himself back and tossing it aside. Rey had seen him shirtless before plenty of times, but this was different. And it had been _years_ ; he had continued to grow after college, shoulders and his entire torso somehow even wider than she remembered. She reached needy hands toward him, but he evened the playing field, taking off her own t-shirt, leaving her in a small, purple bra and red trousers. A definite clash, but this was her _nicest_ and newest bra.

Ben took a moment to look at her and Rey didn’t feel even a hint of embarrassment at the fact. He made her feel truly seen and beautiful, maybe even a little sexy. She smirked at him and he dragged his eyes up to her face to see it, her perfect teeth behind what was left of her smudged lipstick. He dragged his hands down her thighs, hooking them around her hips and pressing his thumbs deep beneath her hip bones and sending pleasurable chills through her entire body, before he leaned back over her.

“You’re so beautiful, Rey,” Ben said, gazing at her like she was truly Aphrodite incarnate. Rey slid her hands to his sides, hands soft and smooth over his bare skin. “I almost can’t believe it.”

Rey’s expression softened. “Best get used to it. I’m not leaving your life anytime soon.” She leaned up and planted a small kiss on his lips and squeezed his hips with her thighs. That seemed to spurn Ben back into action. He kissed her languidly, lazily moving his hand down her chest. Taking her lower lip between his teeth, he pressed down just a little as he squeezed one of her breasts, making Rey’s eyelids flutter and she bit back a moan. He kissed her softly then and palmed her breast beneath the bra, her nipples already erect and sensitive. Her hands curled around his sides and her legs pulled him closer, feeling him grown hard in his jeans. 

She arched her back, skin against skin. “Ben,” she breathed out his name, again and again, finally breaking off their kissing and resting one of her hands against his face. “It’s getting late,” she said, because _it was_. 

She wanted him _so badly_ but she was also growing more and more overwhelmed with how her body was reacting to him. She’d never felt this kind of desperate connection with anyone before and she wanted to immerse herself in it as long as it could last, teasing everything out.

“It is,” Ben admitted, kissing her cheek and brushing some hair away from where it had stuck to her lips. “Are you telling me to go?”

“I mean…” She searched his face and found no anger there. “You have work tomorrow. Hell, I have work tomorrow. And Hazel is in the other room.”

Ben nodded, dropping his head to her shoulder and kissing her soft skin. “Okay. You’re right. And besides. We have tomorrow. And the weekend.”

“We do.” She stroked the back of his head, enjoying the weight of him on top of her. “I want to...I want to enjoy this. I want to feel everything with you. Is that okay?”

Ben turned his head a little and kissed her collarbone. “Yes.”

“Is it stupid that I want things to be special?”

Ben propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at her. “No. You think I haven’t imagined a perfect first...everything with you?”

A blush crept across her already heated face. “I suppose you have.”

“I just want to be with you.”

“Me too.” 

“There’s nothing wrong with just enjoying a moment."

She shook her head in agreement and then leaned up a bit, eyes flickering to his lips. He took the cue and kissed her, taking his time and nearly making her change her mind. As her world spun, he crawled off of her, getting to his feet and pulling at his jeans.

“Wait,” she said, voice a croak as she pushed herself up to her knees. He paused at the end of the sofa, shirt in hand. Rey decided she deserved a good look at him shirtless and touched his skin softly, feeling his heart pounding beneath his ribs. He watched her carefully, not sure of her intentions. She wasn’t really sure either, but she ran her hands over his skin and then hooked her palms around his shoulders, pulling him down to kiss her again. 

He tried very hard not to touch her, putting all of his efforts into the kiss, knowing if he wrapped his arms around her, he wouldn’t leave tonight. He finally broke off the kiss, forehead resting on her shoulder. “You’re gonna kill me, Rey,” he murmured.

“I’m sorry. I just...I don’t…” Rey nearly had to pry her own hands away from him, sitting back on her heels. He tugged on his shirt. 

“I know.” He kissed her once more before he headed toward the door.

“I love you,” she said, her voice soft. She liked saying it. She liked _meaning_ it. And she liked that he was at the receiving end of her feelings.

Ben twisted around at her door as she got to her feet, skin beautifully flushed, lips swollen, red marks down her neck of his own making. “I love you too,” he said, meaning it just as much as she did. “I’ll text you okay?”

She nodded, walking toward him. “Okay. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Rey.”

The door closing between them was almost not enough to stop her from chasing after him, but she stayed on her side, twisted over the door lock and then let out a deep sigh. Her phone beeped a moment later and she grabbed it out of her small purse. Ben had sent her a single text:

 _I can’t wait until tomorrow_.

-

_(text messages)_

**BEN:** I can’t wait until tomorrow.

 **REY:** Me either. Are you getting a cab?

 **BEN:** I am

 **REY:** Be careful. I always hate taking London cabbies

 **BEN:** I’ll be okay.

 **REY:** You better. 💛

 **BEN:** And I finally got back to my room. Seeing the last houses tomorrow. I have to send in my choices and do some paperwork but I should be free around the usual time. Does that work for you?

 **REY:** Yes. 

**BEN:** Can I take you out on an actual date?

 **REY:** Excuse me?

 **BEN:** Tomorrow night. Can I? 

**REY:** You really want to?

 **BEN:** Yes. You’re my girlfriend, this is what you do. And you deserve to be treated like you’re a star because you’re the center of my universe.

 **REY:** That sounds so much cheeiser on a screen than it would on paper

 **BEN:** You wound me

 **REY:** I’d love to go on a date with you, Ben Solo. I’ll see if Rose can watch Hazel, otherwise she’ll be coming with us.

 **BEN:** I would be delighted either way.

 **REY:** Okay. 😊

* * *

_**(~friday, september 29~)**  
(text messages)_

**REY:** I have a big favor/not favor because you already offered

 **ROSE:** Do I get to take Hazel overnight?!

 **REY:** Yes please 🙏

 **REY:** If it doesn’t mess with your weekend plans

 **ROSE:** What weekend plans? Kay and I were just going to maybe go to the park for some sun and fresh air and watch some movies.

 **ROSE:** How are things with you and Ben? 👀

 **REY:** Shhhush. They’re going pretty great.

 **ROSE:** And?

 **REY:** And...well I don’t know. He’s going to stay over tonight and maybe tomorrow night too.

 **ROSE:** 🙌 finally!

 **REY:** PLEASE

 **REY:** But yes I mean 👀

 **ROSE:** Get. It.

 **REY:** I will. Just not with Hazel in the room over. At least not for the first time, y’know?

 **ROSE:** Baby kills sexy vibes. I get it.

 **ROSE:** I’ll double check with Kay but I think we can take her both nights. And I mean...we’re just on the floor below you so it’s not like if something happens you won’t be nearby.

 **REY:** Exactly. Though I’ve never slept without her in the same flat before. I’m a tiny bit freaked out about it.

 **ROSE:** Well if you need to come get her after sexy times that’s fine. Just shoot me a text and I’ll make sure she’s ready. 💗

 **REY:** 🥺

 **REY:** Thank youuuu

 **ROSE:** That’s what an auntie and godmother are for!

* * *

_(left: the before; right: the during/after)_

* * *

Rey couldn’t help herself. She tugged Ben down the hall to Rose and Kaydel’s apartment after their date even though it was late. He followed willingly, and they spent twenty minutes with Hazel before Rose kicked them out.

They made their way upstairs hand in hand and into the eerily quiet apartment. Without thinking, Rey’s feet took her toward the open door to Hazel’s room, but she stopped after a few steps and twisted around toward Ben.

“You okay?” he ventured to ask, taking off his suit jacket. He’d looked really nice tonight, even though he was just wearing jeans and a t-shirt; it was the suit jacket that did it, Rey thought. She had insisted on taking photos of him outside the restaurant he’d brought her to. She missed the weight of a camera in her hands, but her cell phone had a reasonably good quality camera for moments like tonight.

While she didn’t want to spoil anything by documenting every moment, she did want a memento or two to hold close. “I’m okay,” she replied. “I’m just used to always having Hazel around.”

Ben walked over to her, resting his hands on her shoulders, encased in the red dress she’d chosen for tonight’s date. “Are you sure? We can bring her back up from Rose’s…”

He was so conscious of Rey’s emotions that it made her almost cry. And he was totally okay with Hazel, something she’d heard him say multiple times, but seeing it and being around it was something different. “And deny Rose the opportunity to spend the night with Hazel? I couldn’t do that to her.”

Ben squeezed her shoulders. “Okay. You can change your mind at any time. Not that you need me to tell you that but just in case you think you can’t.”

Rey peered up at him. “How did I last so long in my life without you?”

“You’ve done a pretty good job so far.”

She scoffed a little, sliding her arms around him. “I suppose.”

“No, really, you have. You moved back here after being away for two years. You got a job in your field right away, you found a great place to live, you’ve been able to support Hazel. You’re amazing.”

Rey blinked away a sheen of tears. “Stop it, you’re gonna make me cry.”

“It’s true,” Ben said, a small smile on his face.

“And you’re amazing for putting up with me. And for...everything else. I can’t even think of one single thing right now.” She almost hid her face behind her hands, but she’d put on a modest amount of makeup tonight and didn’t want to ruin it. “Except...well you’re getting away from a horrible boss and you’re putting yourself first. That’s amazing. I feel like not enough people do that. And I’m proud of you for it. Is that weird?”

“No,” Ben shook his head. “It’s nice. I’m doing way better now than I was at the beginning of the year.”

“So much has happened.”

“Yeah. I can’t wait to just...be living here. It’s gonna make everything so much easier.”

“It will.” In heels, Rey barely had to stretch to press a soft kiss to his lips. Ben cupped her face with his hands and deepened the kiss. Rey struggled to break it off, her body humming with the taste of him. “Wait, Ben…” She laughed just a little and brushed her thumbs over his lips, smeared with her lipstick. “Okay maybe this was a bad idea,” she said, sure that her own mouth was garish. “I’ll be right back.”

She disappeared into the bathroom to scrub off her lipstick. She hadn’t done much else except some eyeliner and eyeshadow, but she had pulled her hair back tightly in a cone-shaped twist thing that Kaydel had shown her how to do. She tugged out pins and let her hair fall nearly to her shoulders. She ran her hands through it to loosen it up and tilted her head when she heard music from the living room.

She stepped out, and saw that Ben had found her laptop and was playing some nice, soft music, the kind that had been playing in the background of the restaurant he’d taken her to. “What’s this?” she asked, arms crossed.

“Dance with me?” Ben offered her a hand.

She laughed, covering her mouth so he wouldn’t think she was laughing at him but just the situation had caught her off guard. “Seriously?”

“Come on. Let me have this.”

He looked at her with those puppy-dog eyes and she relented. She laid her hand against his and he pulled her to her, sliding a hand around her back. She laid her other hand against his shoulder and they swayed around her flat together. “This is kind of nice,” she admitted after a while. “I didn’t think people went on dates like this anymore.”

“Why not? It’s not like there’s one way to go on a date. Next time, I may take you mini-golfing. If they...have mini-golfing here?”

Rey chuckled and rested her head on his shoulder, forehead against his neck. “That sounds fun. Does tomorrow count? A day at the zoo.”

“If we want it to,” Ben said, folding their clasped hands between them.

“I’d like that. I think dating me will be different no matter what. I can’t really leave Hazel every time. I’m already worrying about when she hits two and I’m going to have to find a daycare center. Larma’s been so great but I just want to make sure Hazel gets the socializing that she needs.”

“You’ll make the right choice. And hey, I’ll be here too, to help.”

Rey squeezed his hand and let her eyes close for a moment. She didn’t know what was next. Dating in college was not like dating in adulthood. And dating Ben Solo was not like dating anyone else. They had an empty apartment and a whole night stretched out in front of them. She wanted to both jump into bed with him and also take her time and she found herself constantly wrestling with those two conflicting parts of her brain.

“Do you want some wine?” she asked.

“I am not much of a wine drinker,” Ben admitted.

“Oh,” Rey said. She should have known that, but once she moved back to England, wine was her stable drink. “I can change that.”

Five minutes later, they each had red wine in hand and were sitting on the couch. Well, slouching on the couch. Ben in the corner, Rey tucked against his side, legs up on the couch, feet now bare. She’d turned on the tv for a little background noise, but neither of them were really paying attention.

“So, what does this house look like?” Rey asked. Ben fished out his phone and spent a while showing her the photos of his new chosen abode. Since he didn’t know what his future with Rey meant, he’d opted for leasing rather than buying. He’d gotten one with two bedrooms in case she even wanted to move in with him. And then backpedaled, telling her he didn’t expect her to. Rey had silenced him with a kiss.

Now, with phone aside and wine glasses empty, Ben ran his fingers down her side, pressing just enough not to tickle over the fabric that stretched to mid-thigh. She nestled against his chest, slowly working her fingers in nonsense designs across his shirt. It was really nice to just _be_ with someone. Rey hadn’t realized how much she missed it. Ben hadn’t realized how much he missed it either; he’d gotten so used to her always being in his space when they lived across from one another in college. 

Eventually, Rey shifted and kissed his neck with her pink-stained lips and his arm circled around her more tightly. She shivered when his other hand slid around her neck and moments later she was in his lap, straddling him, her dress pushed up nearly to her hips. Ben’s fingers dragged down her back and cupped her backside as she dug her hands into his hair and took control of the kiss, tilting and deepening it how she wanted.

She pushed her chest flush against his, and gripped his shoulders as he lifted her just a bit, scooting back and sitting up straighter before settling her back in his lap. He moaned as she experimentally rolled her hips. Ben’s hands dug into her and he broke off the kiss, forehead resting against her chest.

“Are you okay?” Rey asked, locking her fingers behind his neck.

He slid his hands up from her ass to her back, pressing hard enough to bruise. “Fuck, Rey,” he muttered into her dress before he sat back. The look in his eyes was all desire, passion and love, mixed together in an intoxicating cocktail that made Rey forget to breathe for a moment. “I’ve wanted you for so fucking long.”

She held his face in her hands. “You’ve got me. I want you, too,” she whispered out, dipping down to crash her lips against his. Everything fell into a frantic scrabble, teeth and tongues and moans of pleasure. 

Rey scooted off his lap and turned around for him to pull the zipper down on her dress down the back. It was an expensive dress, so she stepped out of it and laid it over the lone comfy chair before turning back to Ben. She was wearing matching underwear this time in simple black. 

“Come here,” she said, holding out her hand. 

He took her in, gaze hungry, and finally stood, his jeans tight over the bulge of his erection. She took his hand and pulled his hands around her naked waist, walking a step backward and pulling him along with her like a magnet. She leaned up and brushed her lips against his and his lips chased hers, catching and pinning her against the wall just outside her bedroom. She gasped as he kissed down her neck, sucking and licking, pressing his leg between hers. She was wet and slick already, whimpering at the friction against the rough material.

“Ben,” Rey moaned out, her head thrown back against the wall. “ _Please_.”

He took her by the waist and lifted her much like the previous night. Rey’s legs tightened around his hips and he walked them into her bedroom, peppering her chest with kisses. He lowered her to her bed and yanked off his shirt as she pulled off her bra. Ben paused, taking in her small breasts and pert nipples, her legs still parted for him. 

“Wow,” he breathed out, gently running his hands down her legs. Again, like last night. But everything was _more_ , heightened due to the lack of clothes. “You’re incredible.” Rey shivered.

“Pants,” Rey said, eyes flickering to his jeans. “That can’t be comfortable.”

Ben looked slightly sheepish for a moment and Rey sat up, working on the button and zipper. “Don’t tell me you’re shy now,” she mused, eyes flickering up to his. His hips were dangerously close to her face and he was having trouble concentrating.

“I’m not,” Ben finally got out as Rey tugged down his jeans. Rey rolled her eyes at him and pulled his pants to his thighs. Without the rigid denim, his cock stretched against the fabric of his briefs and Rey slid her palm against the length of him. He shivered and bit back a curse.

“More kissing please,” Rey said, leaving him and scooting back on her bed. Ben got down next to her, propping his head up with a hand and pushing his knee between her legs, pulling her closer and pinning her. His hand slid up her ribs and to her breast. He dipped down to capture her lips with his as he gently pinched and rolled her nipple between his fingers. 

Rey arched her back to get closer to him, breathless and dizzy, her whole body a starburst of nerves. A hand ran down his body and she reached for his cock, still struggling against his underwear. She palmed the shaft and Ben bit her lower lip with a throaty moan, sliding his own hand down her abdomen, stopping with his fingers splayed over her underwear. _Holy fuck_ , his hand was large. Her heart leapt.

“Is this okay?” he asked, voice low and deep as he ran his hand to her sensitive inner thigh. Rey squeezed him through his briefs and he grumbled against her temple.

“Touch me, Ben,” Rey whispered, meeting his eyes.

He did, hand sliding down her inner thigh and pushing her legs farther open. He rested his hand along the curve of her, feeling the wetness through her panties. Alarm bells of the sweetest kind rang through Rey as he pressed gently through the thin, soaked fabric and she wriggled under his touch, breath coming in pants. She brought her hands up to his shoulders, digging her nails in and hiding her face against his chest as he slid the fabric aside and swiped a finger against her folds. The moan that left her was otherworldly and she gently bit his skin.

Ben slid his fingers through the slick wetness to her clit and pressed and circled. Rey’s hips bucked and she let out a string of unintelligible curses. Ben took that as encouragement and did it again. Rey’s hand circled around his wrist and she settled back against the pillow. Her face was flushed to the max, her eyes wide, pupils expanded wide. 

“I haven’t been touched in so long,” she nearly begged. “Please, Ben. I want you. _Please_.”

He shushed her softly and stroked the side of her face before tugging at the waistband of her panties and pulling them down. Rey kicked them off and Ben’s hand settled between her legs again. She bit her bottom lip and he leaned down to kiss her, stroking around her entrance.

One more muttered please and Ben pushed his middle finger into her. Rey gasped and nearly bit his tongue, fingers digging into his shoulder. 

“Fuck,” she whimpered out as he thrust his finger inside of her again. “Don’t stop.”

He didn’t, sliding his finger in and out, adding a second and feeling her stretch out around his digits. “Shit, Rey…”

“So good, make me come, _please_.”

Her _pleases_ were going to kill him. He pressed his hip over one of her knees, pinning it down, and getting a better angle to move his hand. He thrust a few times before circling his hand around and sliding his palm against her clit with every thrust. 

Rey’s words came out in breathy _yes_ ’s and his name, intermingled, until she cried out another “don’t stop” and he thrust through her orgasm, her walls clenching around his fingers, stopping only when she ceased shuddering and yanked him down to her mouth for a kiss. She could hardly catch her breath. “God damn,” she muttered against his lips before kissing him again. 

Ben removed his fingers and, not wanting to ruin her blankets, he cleaned them with his tongue.

“Oh,” Rey said softly. “No one’s ever...um…”

Ben didn’t apologize. “You taste good,” he told her. 

“Do I?” She found herself wanting to see what he meant, so she dragged him down for another kiss. It was not unpleasant. Her curiosity sated, she pushed him back by the shoulders until his back hit the mattress before she straddled him, legs still shaky from her orgasm. She ran her hands down his chest and ground her hips against his erection.

Ben’s eyelids fluttered closed. “Fucking hell,” he murmured, hands on her hips.

Rey leaned down and kissed his lips, his neck, leaving her own marks as she kissed down his chest, scooting down as she did so. She planted a kiss on the waistband of his briefs and glanced up at him. “Can I...can I give you a blowjob?” she asked in a rush.

Ben propped himself up on his elbows. “Um...yes?”

She sat up and smacked him lightly at his tone. “Should I not have asked?”

“No, it’s fine. If you want to. I’d uh...need some time to recover if we’re doing anything else after.”

She found that she didn’t care about that. One minute of maneuvering and Ben was propped up against her headboard and his underwear was gone. Without anything holding it back, Ben’s cock settled against his abdomen. Rey wrapped her hand around the base of the shaft and all the air left Ben’s lungs as she stroked upward. It was his turn for explosives. Rey’s perfect lips curled into a smirk as she kissed down his chest again and then laid a soft, featherlight kiss against his head. 

Ben’s hungry eyes were heavy and dark, watching as she licked a stripe up the shaft along the bulging vein and wrapped her perfect, kiss-swollen lips around the tip. “ _Fuck_ , Rey,” he murmured as she swirled her tongue and stroked him with her hand. She moved her lips down an inch and back again to the tip, leaving a string of saliva as she glanced up at him. 

_Hell_ he looked so fucking hot laying there in her bed, chest heaving, eyes eating her up.

She dipped down again, taking more of him in her mouth, stroking what she couldn’t fit with her hand. She felt his hand brush over her hair and she nodded, eyes flickering to his face for a moment. His fingers tightened in her hair and thrust upwards a tiny bit. She bobbed her head and stroked and after a few of his own thrusts, he fell apart.

His cum filled her mouth and trickled down her throat. She swallowed it down and wiped her mouth with her wrist before she crawled back to him, curling herself around his chest, knees digging into the mattress on either side of him to take his face and press a kiss to his cheeks and nose. “Was that okay?”

“You’re asking the wrong question,” Ben muttered, running his hands down her sides to her thighs, marveling at the smooth transition, nothing but skin under his fingertips.

Rey quirked her eyebrows. “How do you feel?”

“Good. Really fucking good.” He squeezed her hip.

“Me too,” she said before she climbed off and laid down next to him, cuddling to his side. “We can do more things if you want.”

“Much want.” His eyes were closed, but his fingertips trailed over his skin.

“Maybe later? I’m...I haven’t done any of this in so long it’s kind of overwhelming. I’d be okay with just this.” She splayed her hand across his chest. Her hands were so much smaller than him in every capacity. She felt his heart racing under her palm.

“Whatever you want,” Ben agreed.

“Huh, don’t say that too often,” Rey teased.

But they did do what she wanted. They cuddled and talked about nothing and everything and Rey texted Rose to check in with Hazel--who was sleeping, as babies do at eleven at night. They kissed more and Ben returned the oral sex favor, sending Rey into an explosion of stars. She never wanted him to stop touching her and he was more than happy to oblige.

He got hard again easily with her naked and kissing him, but she didn’t want to go all the way. Not yet. Teasing it out, she reminded herself. But that didn’t mean they couldn’t keep doing this, or be more bold. As it approached midnight, Ben confessed almost shamefully that he pretty much always thought about her when he was jerking off in college, assured her it was in the most respectful way. Rey had smothered his babbling with her laughter and told him that she’d been kind of afraid to think about him in this way so she’d touched herself to one of his letters.

That led to her straddling him again. She stroked his cock but her arms weren’t up to the task to drag him to the edge so it turned into a mix of her touching herself, and his hand sliding over his own shaft until he came in lines across his chest and her thighs shuddered tight around his hips. It was the strangest, sexiest thing she’d ever done.

They showered after, quickly with only a handful of kisses and then got into her bed as the clock on her bureau read nearly one in the morning. Rey hadn’t stayed up this late in years.

She couldn’t stop touching him so she cuddled to his side. “Thank you for the date night,” she said, eyes closed, already feeling the weight of sleep pulling on her.

Ben tangled his fingers in her damp hair and kissed her forehead. “It’s going to be incredible waking up next to you,” he murmured.

“Mmmmm,” she agreed, hugging her arm around him and letting sleep take her.

* * *

**_(~saturday, september 30~)_ **

* * *

Ben and Rey spent the entire day just the two of them and Hazel. It was really nice. Rey could get used to it. Ben could too. And Hazel was on her best behavior. She let Rey shove her arms through her coat sleeves and velcro her into it. The baby spent equal parts in the stroller, in Rey’s and Ben’s arms, or walking. She loved the big cats and the elephants.

She even tolerated being out for lunch, and fell asleep tucked in the crook of Ben’s arm for her afternoon nap. He held onto her for most of it, sitting on a bench in a park while Rey snapped photos and snuggled next to him and they talked quietly about the vast future and things that they wanted to do, and life dreams they had.

It was a few hours into the afternoon by the time they got back home. Hazel got a clothing change and Kaydel and Rose came up. They had a big dinner and facetimed Poe and Finn. It was almost like old times, plus some. 

By the time they’d left, it was Hazel’s bedtime and Rey handed her daughter off for one more night alone. She went down to Rose and Kaydel’s and set Hazel into her bed there before she went back up to her apartment. Ben had poured her wine, her favorite, and they watched another Disney movie. This time in real time, without needing to hastily type out their responses. She used him as a pillow and he slung his arm around her shoulders, holding her back against him. 

The movie-- _Beauty and the Beast_ , the original--ate up an hour and a half and two glasses of wine for Rey. “That was so good,” she sniffled, shifting around to face Ben.

“It’s just as good as the last fifteen times I’ve seen it,” Ben agreed, rubbing her back gently through her sweatshirt she’d changed into after their day out. 

“See? You get it! Rose tolerated my Disney movies, but she was more a Marvel girl.” Rey pouted. She laid her legs across his lap. “Ben…”

“The credits,” he replied, waving his hand at the screen as the text scrolled by.

Rey ran her hands up his chest to his neck. “Are you going to ignore me for end credits? I thought you loved me.”

“I do.” Ben’s eyes flickered to hers for a moment and saw that she was teasing, the wine having loosened her up a bit more than he was accustomed to anymore. In college, sure, but here? She’d definitely grown up a lot since Boston. But here was the younger Rey he remembered. He liked all of her, both of her, everything and anything about her. 

Rey pulled herself into his lap sideways. His arm circled around her for balance, and he purposefully peered around her at the screen. “You are ridiculous,” she said, shaking her head. She kissed his temple and shifted to the side so he could see and she could stay in his lap. She ran her hands through his hair and down his neck and traced his collarbones, like a cat vying for attention.

“I have a reputation to keep up.”

“With who?”

“Myself! Credits are part of the movie. It’s an acknowledgement of appreciation to all the workers who put their time into them to watch the full credits.”

Rey tugged on his hair just a little. “Is that really the reason?”

“Yeah.” His eyes slid to hers. “I swear I’ve told you that before, fifty-five movies ago.”

“No. You just said you liked watching credits.” Her eyes softened. “That’s really nice actually. I never thought of it like that before.” She moved to twist around again so she could finish watching them, but Ben gripped her around the waist. 

“They just finished,” he said. He planted a kiss on her cheek and she closed her eyes, a smile on her face. He kissed her nose and then turned her head toward him with his fingers under her chin to kiss her on the mouth. She made a sound of approval in her throat and placed one hand over his heart, twisting her torso for a better angle. Ben’s hand flattened against her jaw, fingertips hooking behind her head, deepening the kiss. She parted her lips and his tongue met hers.

Soon, her hand dug through his hair at his neck and he was moving them, her back falling against the couch. She parted her legs for him and he settled between her hips on his knees, leaning over her and kissing down her neck, his hand pleasantly heavy against her throat. She easily gripped his shirt and pulled it off, leaving his hair a little puffed up.

Rey smiled at it. It made him look boyish for a brief moment before he was then sucking on her neck like it was his life’s mission to leave her bruises there. She twisted her fingers through his hair and arched her back. “ _Ben_ ,” she said softly, holding onto his face as he lifted it above her own. “Take me to bed?”

Ben brushed his nose against hers a few times, smiled and then launched himself to his feet. “If you insist,” he said, leaning down and hooking his hands under her legs.

“Wait! Wait, Ben!” Rey squeaked as he picked her up off the sofa. She hooked an arm around his neck just so she felt like she wasn’t about to fall, even though she felt safe in his arms, laughter floating from her as he moved them into her bedroom again. “Okay, okay, put me down.”

He did. She got to her toes and gripped his shirt, pulling him down to kiss her. She pulled him back until her back hit the wall next to her door. Hooking her hand around his waistband of his jeans, she pulled him closer yet. He pressed his hips against hers and pinned her against the wall. She eagerly kissed his lips.

“I like this,” she said after a few minutes.

“Kissing me?”

“Being pinned between you and a um...hard place,” she said with a half blush, half smirk.

“Really?” He moved closer.

She nodded, biting her bottom lip. His gaze flickered from her mouth to her eyes and back again. Ben moved as close as he possibly could, crowding her against the wall, forcing her to her toes so she could still reach his mouth for kissing.

Rey moaned into his mouth when his hand snaked under her jumper and found her naked skin underneath. He pinched and rolled her nipple between his fingers and massaged her breast with his fingers. In a blur, her top was pulled off and Ben picked her up, wrapping her legs around his waist and pushing her back against the wall, sitting higher than she usually did. She swayed and bit down on her lip as his mouth moved across her chest. He licked one of her nipples and sucked, swirling his tongue and massaging the other with his hand. She could barely reach her outstretched fingers to his shoulders to steady herself and squeezed her legs around his torso.

He nipped at the skin around her breast as her nipple grew cold as the air attacked it. His teeth left bruises that no one would see and Rey pulled gently at his hair. He let her down then, careful not to scrap her bare back against the wall as he did so. He was so gentle for someone so big. 

Rey reached for his pants. Between the two of them, their trousers were stripped off. Ben adjusted his long, hard erection, the head of it peeking over his underwear waistband. Rey reached toward him but he took her hands and lay them flat against the wall behind her. A little “Oh,” escaped her lips as he kissed her lips and her jaw and her neck, resting his head against the curve of her neck and using his one hip to press her back against the wall, his cock caught between them.

“ _My God, Ben_ ,” Rey murmured out as he slid his other hand down her torso and into her panties. Her eyes closed, nearly rolling back as he circled around her clit and then slid half a finger inside of her, already wet and slick. He dragged his fingers through her folds and rubbed her clit again, calling gasps and utterances of pleasure from her. Rey’s hands formed into fists, nails digging into her palms, desperate to claw at him, but meeting resistance against his hold.

“Come for me, Rey,” Ben said against her neck, breath hot, lips brushing against her sensitive skin. He slid his fingers inside of her, pressing deep and curling.

“Don’t you dare stop,” Rey’s words came out in a rush, feeling her body tense and ready, edging toward the edge. His fingers worked magic and she cried out as her vision went white and waves of heat and pleasure cascaded through her entire body. She shuddered and clenched around him, fingers sliding deliciously in and out of her through her orgasm until she felt like she couldn’t stand. He pulled his fingers out of her and let go of her arms. She clung to his bare shoulders. “Holy fuck, Ben,” she panted out, planting kisses all along his shoulders, his collar bone, his neck as she waited for her knees to stop shaking.

He circled his arm around her and held her slightly trembling body against his. “Are you okay?”

“Okay? I’m...seeing stars,” she laughed breathily. She pushed herself back a little to take in his face. “That was....” She kissed him and kissed him, tasting him and wanting him, always wanting more of him. Her hands dropped from his shoulders and her right brushed the softer, plush tip of his cock still poking out of his waistband. She brushed her thumb across the slit, smearing clear precum across the hot flesh. She slid her hand down, gently squeezing and stroking him through the fabric. She felt his cock twitch and pulse under her hand, heard him moan deep in his throat.

“I love making you come,” Ben said against her hair.

“I love when you make me come too,” Rey said with a cheeky grin. She slowly pushed them away from the wall and toward the bed. She discarded her soaked-through panties and pulled down his own underwear, leaving them both naked. His skin was lighter than hers; hers was sunkissed and covered in freckles from her work outside under the sun.

He got onto the mattress and she pulled open her nightstand drawer to grab out a small foil square and handed it to him. He tore open the package and slid the condom down over his cock without a question and she was thankful for that. 

“Let me,” she said softly, crawling on top of him. She straddled him, her warm center and folds pressing against his erection, and leaned forward to kiss him, slowly, deep and barely pausing to breathe. “I want you,” she murmured against his lips. “Do you want me?”

“Always. I want you always, Rey,” Ben said, wrapping one arm around her. “I want all of you so fucking much.” His other hand cupped her face and he looked at her with an adoration and an urgency that her own eyes echoed. She kissed him again and then lifted herself on her knees, grasping the base of his shaft and lining up the tip with her entrance, pushing slowly down. 

A gasp left Rey’s mouth and Ben gripped her legs. “Fucking hell, Rey…”

He was big, but not impossibly so. She settled down another inch and then pulled herself up again, dragging another curse from Ben as she did so. This time she settled down almost fully, feeling stretched and filled. Her eyes closed and she pressed her hands against his chest for balance.

She breathed out heavily through her nose before she leaned over him. She kissed him, arched her back and rolled her hips, moving him in and out of her. She sighed against his mouth and moved again and again, more familiar with the motion as she did so, hands fisted into the mattress on either side of his head. He broke off the kiss and looked her in the eyes, watching the twitch of her muscles as she concentrated and felt _everything_ , biting down on her lip. She sped up as much as she could, Ben’s hands on her chest, in her hair, pressing gently under her chin. 

“You feel so good, Ben,” she breathed, eyes closed. Ben bumped his nose along the column of her throat and kissed her jaw. The next time she slid all the way back, taking as much of him as she could, Ben circled an arm around her, pulling her flush against him and rolled them, Rey’s back sinking into the mattress.

Her hair spread out around her and her eyes were wide with surprise. “You’re so beautiful,” Ben told her, running his eyes over her. Ben settled back just enough to adjust and then laid himself over her, guiding her legs around his hips as he thrust into her. Rey whimpered, the new angle stretching even further.

“Did I--?”

“Keep going,” she whispered, arms around him, fingers digging into his skin. He moved faster than she could, hitting all the right spots and dragging moans and cries from her. He kissed her and kept kissing her, stealing her breath.

“I love you so fucking much,” he whispered against her ear and she felt a newfound spark roll through her body. Her hand curled around his neck as he found a steady rhythm, their bodies moving together.

Her heart felt like it was going to beat right out of her chest as another, softer orgasm flowed through her, curling her toes and releasing a series of _fuckfuckfuck_ s she couldn’t really control. She squeezed around him, and her body shuddered as his head stroked down her tight walls. He came just a few strokes after, almost as a surprise, panting and pushing his hips hard against her already aching hips. 

“ _Shit_ , that was--” He laid over her, pressing his lips to her sweaty and salty neck. Rey was in her own little blissful universe, ears ringing, body warm and fuzzy like static.

“Incredible. God tier levels of amazing,” she offered, pushing his hair away from his forehead as he propped himself up and kissed her lips once more before he pulled out and slid off the condom, tying it off.

“Yeah that about covers it,” he chuckled, leaning down to kiss her bent knee and gently run a hand down her leg. He disappeared into her bathroom and then came back. She pulled him down and cuddled against him, sweaty and satisfied. She’d have to strip off her blanket, now stained with various sticky and salty fluids, but it was worth it.

“I love you,” she said against his chest. Ben hummed a response. “When you...when you said that to me, I swear I came just from hearing you say it.”

“The power of love,” Ben teased.

“I mean it! It was crazy...but in a good way. It was nice. Different.” She sighed and settled down a little more comfortably. “I want to do it again.”

“Give me a few minutes…”

“I meant in general,” Rey snorted. And then, after a pause, “Unless you really want to?”

Ben circled both arms around her torso and pulled her onto his chest, burying his face in her hair. “You never have to ask. I always want to.”

She grinned and kissed what she could reach: his shoulder, the edge of her collarbone. She was comfortable enough with him to want to try all kinds of new things and her mind was already whirling with ideas. She didn’t think they were going to get much sleep tonight.


	29. Year Three: October

**YEAR THREE: OCTOBER**

* * *

_(text messages)_

**REY:** I miss you already. I hope your flight goes smoothly, love.

**BEN:** It did. I miss you too. I’ll be back as soon as I possibly can, I promise.

**REY:** I know you will. Hazel misses you too. She asked “Where’s Ben?” today when you didn’t show up. 

**REY:** 🥺🥺🥺

**BEN:** I miss you both.

**REY:** Rose is nearly unsympathetic since you’ll be back in a few weeks.

**REY:** 😣😣😣

**BEN:** She’s probably just trying to keep your spirits up. Silver lining and all that.

**REY:** You’re right...you’re right! And I should be too. I always try to see the best side of things. And I know you’ll be back. That’s better than not knowing.

**BEN:** It is. And I’ll keep you updated. As soon as I know anything, I’ll let you know.

**REY:** Thank you. 💛

* * *

_(text messages)_

**REY:** This is torture

**REY:** I miss Ben so much

**ROSE:** It’s only been a week

**REY:** ONLY?! I want him here always. It’s killing me to have to wait.

**ROSE:** I know, sunflower, but you have to. The universe really wants to test you both but you can do it. 

**REY:** I do want to do it. With Ben. Multiple more times.

**ROSE:** Please don’t overshare but I’m glad the sex was good enough for you to bring it up in like every conversation.

**REY:** It was the best ever. Like I didn’t even know things could be so...good.

**ROSE:** It just takes the right person.

**REY:** I guess so. 

**ROSE:** If you’re really missing him so much you could Skype-sex?

**REY:** Um...I don’t wanna become a cam girl, thank you. And that’s creepy. I mean we don’t know who’s creeping around behind the scenes, recording everything.

**ROSE:** Okay that’s a valid point. Ignore me.

**REY:** Thanks for trying. And for dealing with my crazy.

**ROSE:** You’re not crazy. Just in love and missing your long distance boyfriend after a good dicking down. I get it 😅

**ROSE:** But he’ll be back before you know it

**REY:** You’re right. 💗

* * *

* * *

**BEN:** So I’ll admit that Poe takes screenshots of your instagram posts and he texts them to me

**REY:** 😅 that is adorable. You should just make one!

**BEN:** Uh...no

**BEN:** Plus, just another week and a half before I don’t need to rely on a camera to see you.

**REY:** 🥰

**REY:** counting down the hours. I miss you so much. You weren’t even here very long but my flat has felt significantly emptier without you.

**REY:** Not that you’re moving in with me but just...your presence.

**BEN:** I know what you mean.

**BEN:** Two mornings of waking up next to you and every morning here feels like it’s missing a piece

**REY:** 🥺 I know exactly what you mean. 

**REY:** I think we need that time travel machine now

**BEN:** I’m on it.

**REY: 😘**


	30. The next couple of months...and years...

**OVER THE NEXT COUPLE MONTHS...**

**...AND YEARS**


	31. Epilogue: Year Eight: October

**EPILOGUE: YEAR EIGHT: OCTOBER**

Ben was not the only one standing around outside the school. Plenty of parents came with their cars, some kids got onto the small short shuttle buses, and many yet were casually waiting on the sidewalk.

As waves of small kids in green and white uniforms swarmed out of the school, Ben heard a distinct “Daaaaaaaaaaaaad,” where the last ‘ _ d _ ’ sort of got lost. He crouched down and watched as six year old Hazel came half-skipping toward him, pigtails flying behind her. She slammed into him as much as a forty-three pound girl could, and he scooped her up, holding her with one arm as he stood.

“Have a good day?” he asked.

“It was fine,” she chirped in a tiny, child’s sized version of Rey’s accent.

“Oh yeah?” Ben started to walk toward the exit gate. “Is that why you have paint on your shirt?”

Hazel could not contain herself and smiled, big and wide. “We made paintings! I have one in my bag for you and Mummy.”

“Aha! I can’t wait to see it.”

“Can I show Mummy first?”

“Sure,” Ben said as they got to the street corner. “So, kiddo, walking or the bus today?”

Hazel tapped her chin exaggeratedly, something she’d picked up from Kaydel over the years. “Bus please!”

Ben chuckled and let her down to his side. She held onto his hand as they crossed the street and headed toward the bus stop. 

In the past five years, a lot had changed. He and Rey had pretty quickly moved in together at his place, he eventually left the FO and got a job in a smaller company down in Dorset and Rey had followed, taking over a whole parcel of the commons garden in the coastline town. Hazel was in school, Rose and Kaydel were still in London but they visited often. It was pretty much everything Ben could have wished for and more.

By the time the bus arrived a few minutes later, Hazel was in the midst of telling Ben all about her “fine” day, including a lot more gossip than he’d imagine a bunch of six year olds could scrounge up. She sat next to him on the bus seat, talking animatedly, holding her bag in her lap so she didn’t crush her painting. Ben offered up comments about his own day: boring office stuff, a lunch from home that matched hers, and he’d seen a big fluffy dog on his way to pick her up and gotten a picture of it.

“Oh, Dad, can we get a puppy?” Hazel eyes, turning her big, ironically, hazel eyes at him. “Please, please, please?”

Ben chuckled but shook his head. “Not for a while. They’re a lot of responsibility.”

“I know,” she half sighed, half grumbled.

“And we don’t want to overwhelm Mum, right?”

Hazel nodded, perking up. “Right!”

A few stops later, they got off. Fall was in the air but there were still plenty of flowers in bloom and leaves on the trees. Hazel let go of Ben’s hand and bolted through the front gate. He followed at a more leisurely pace, closing the gate and front door behind him as Hazel had a tendency to just leave things wide open.

“Muuuum!” Hazel yelled, pulling off her shoes and grabbing her bag. “Muuuuummmy!”

“In here!” Rey’s voice called out from the back corner of the house in the kitchen.

Ben easily overtook Hazel with his long legs and got to Rey first.

“Hi, baby,” Rey said to Hazel as the little girl wrestled with her bag zipper. She turned to Ben as he bent down to kiss her, his hand pressing against her belly. She had started to really show a few weeks ago and the trend continued, making her need to call on Rose for some of her sewing expertise to make outfits she could still work in for the next couple months.

“Hi, babe,” Ben said with a smile that made him look just as boyish as the first time they’d met.

Rey bumped her nose to his and stroked his face before Hazel bounded in, holding aloft a huge piece of paper that was a little curled. “Look what I made!” she announced proudly.

Rey took the painting and surveyed it. “Oh, that is brilliant.” She turned it so Ben could see. “Isn’t that brilliant?”

It was of a lopsided greenhouse, filled with flowers of every imaginable colour in pots. “It is,” Ben agreed wholeheartedly.

“Okay, this is going in a prime spot on the fridge.” Rey moved to the standing fridge and found a free magnet, stepping back and surveying the work. 

Hazel wrapped her arm around Rey’s leg and nodded proudly. “I think we should keep it there,” she said.

“I agree.” Rey ran her hand over Hazel’s hair. 

“Can I go in the back and play?” Hazel asked after about twenty seconds.

“Yes,” Rey said, though she was quick to grab the back of Hazel’s cardigan. “ _ After _ you change out of your school clothes. You know the drill.”

“Okay,  _ fine _ ,” Hazel grumbled, rushing to the stairs.

Once she was gone, Rey turned around to see Ben sneaking a snack out of the cabinet. She rolled her eyes at him and went back to the sink, where she had been washing vegetables from their garden for dinner.

“And how was your day, biscuit thief?”

“Fine, thanks. Got the McCramer accounts sorted out and saw a dog on the way to get Hazel.” He wrapped up the tin of cookies and brushed off his hands. He came up behind her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders and one around her middle. “And how are you?”

“Fantastic,” Rey said and she didn’t even mean it sarcastically.

“I’m going oooouuuuttt!” Hazel yelled as she bolted through the kitchen and out the glass door into the backyard where they had wire-fenced in gardens and a tiny greenhouse, not to mention a swingset, which was unorthodox in this part of England but Ben had insisted. 

“What do you think?” Rey asked. They could see Hazel through the window over the sink. “Ready for another one?”

Ben rested his chin against her head. They’d been over this countless times over the years and it was always mostly Rey’s decision. Having Hazel had been a weird, scary, unexpected time and Ben didn’t want to create another experience like that. He wanted Rey to be one hundred percent invested and in control since it was a big decision and it was  _ her _ body that had to house a tiny person for nearly ten months. But Rey...she  _ wanted _ a family with Ben, something that was ultimately theirs, as much as Ben was Hazel’s dad, she had wanted this pairing of the two of them into someone who would hopefully go on to do great things in their life.

“Hopefully he’ll have some of your calmer demeanor,” Rey mused.

“He?”

“I’m just guessing.” She turned off the sink and leaned back against his chest. “Although Hazel  _ was _ such a quiet baby, I don’t know where all her energy comes from.”

“Aren’t most kids like that?”

“I guess.” She slid her hand over his atop her baby bump.

“Hazel once again asked for a puppy.”

“No,” Rey said, a little like a whine. It was Hazel’s newest obsession.

“I told her not for a bit and reminded her that you wouldn’t be able to handle it.”

“I really wouldn’t,” Rey chuckled. She turned around to face him, her hands sliding up his back. “Have you talked to your parents?”

“Yep. They’ll be here. Two weeks.”

“It better be, or I’m not gonna fit into my dress.” She wiggled her fingers behind his back, feeling the weight of the engagement ring on her left ring finger. They’d done pretty much everything out of order: saying “I love you” before going on their first date;  _ starting _ with a baby; moving in together just months after Ben settled in in London; growing in their jobs and moving hours away from the bustling city, putting their names down together on the house, all before Ben ever asked her to marry him; her being pregnant before their wedding...but Rey didn’t mind. It worked, what they had, more flawlessly than she could ever have imagined. There was no heartbreak, no lying, and they hardly even had the smallest of rows. 

“I love you,” she said softly, tucking herself against his chest.

His hand smoothed over her hair and squeezed her a tiny bit. “I love you, too.”

“Are you ready to be married to me and be stuck with me forever?” she mumbled.

“Absolutely.”

Rey grinned, pulling back to press a kiss against his neck and then pushing herself up to kiss his lips. Ben cupped her face. Rey never stopped loving the way her body seemed to sing whenever he was around, most often when he was touching her. It was like the universe’s way of telling her that she was in the right place. And Ben? He was ready to spend an eternity in her light, in a house filled with plants and books and the love they had for each other and their small family. It was simple, a simple life, but he had enough of  _ complicated _ long ago. 

All they needed was each other and they had a home. All they needed was each other and they always knew they were heading in the right direction on the right path.

* * *

_Dear husband,_

_Oh, that is good. I like that. Do you like that? This feels like a proper love letter now. Our wedding was a week ago and yet I still feel like it’s looming over me. Maybe it’s because your parents are still here. Not that there’s anything wrong with your parents, I love them. And I’ m so happy that we’re tied together forever now. It’s all I’ve wanted for years and I know you’ve been waiting an eternity more._

_I’ve shared so much of my life with you so far, and I look forward to sharing the rest of it with you. I want to keep filling our house with love. I want to wake up with you every morning and fall asleep in your arms. I can never get tired of that. I want this baby of ours to be a little bit of me and a little bit of you and to grow up knowing that they’re loved, that they never have to be scared of anything, and that they always have a home with us. Because you’re my home, still and forever, Ben Solo, and I want to share that with our family so they’re never alone like I was when I was young._

_You mean more to me than I can put into words, though I am trying. We haven’t written letters in years, but I missed it. You were right: writing things down on paper does make it more personal. I just want you to know how much I love you and how much I want to hold your hand through whatever happens in the future, the good and the bad and everything in between._

_Love, Rey_

_P.S. If it’s a boy, I think we should name him Tai._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is. I hope you enjoyed going on this journey with me! Remember, you can download an ebook of this with all of the fancy formatting of texts and messages **[here](https://tinyurl.com/y6u4w9pm%22)**. And please follow me on [my twitter](https://twitter.com/hunkbuster) if you'd like!


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